Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 31 May - 6 June 2010

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

31 MAY - 6 JUNE 2010

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ARIES: Though this week you will lose your chance at eternal happiness, you will find that other sock you've been looking for. Yodeling from the mountain tops will teach you much about your life.

TAURUS: A loved one will give you the cold shoulder this week. Try heating it with a hot water bottle. Stay out of the limelight, and head straight for the lemonlight.

GEMINI: Metaphorically speaking, your heart is a beaver drenched in molasses and hung from a flagpole, singing “Kumbaya”. Living with vegetables will give you the opportunity to reacquaint yourself with the humble zucchini.

CANCER: Everybody's working for the weekend, so try working for Tuesday afternoon instead. Wear tweed elbow patches. And a tweed soul patch, if applicable.

LEO: Ambition may drive you to do terrible things, like wear Uggs. Your friends are the only people who truly understand your feelings about Barney the Purple Dinosaur.

VIRGO: This Thursday, beware a giant man with a blue tongue. Do not obey him, at any cost. There's more to life than Pop-Tarts.

LIBRA: Now is the time to avoid gravy. Hold your head up high, but not so high that it makes your neck look freakishly long.

SCORPIO: Your love for Christina Aguilera is, sadly, only partially requited. You've been looking for love in all the wrong places, and your car keys as well.

SAGITTARIUS: Someone from the past will reappear this week – perhaps someone from the Middle Ages, or the Neolithic Revolution. Airport security recognise you by name. This can't be a good thing.

CAPRICORN: Roses are red, violets are blue, and knowing the colours of flowers will get you nowhere in life. Surfing the web for cute pictures of cats will lead to major lifestyle changes.

AQUARIUS: You've spent too many years now waiting for the perfect fishhook to catch your eye. Ask, and ye shall be given a stern warning not to be too inquisitive.

PISCES: Whatever you own that's rubber, hide it now. As Venus is rising this week, you might like to tether it somewhere stable.

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