Sunday, December 27, 2009
HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL
28 DECEMBER 2009 - 3 JANUARY 2010
ARIES: This is a good week for hoarding rusted car parts. Life is nothing at all like a bowl of cherries. For starters, life is not ceramic. 2010 will eerily resemble 1998. Only with more vampires.
TAURUS: Imagine life like a game of Operation: not for the weak of heart or shaky of hand, and ultimately just a bunch of tiny pieces of white plastic and lame puns. Not everything tastes better with cranberries. Stop being such a wimp in 2010.
GEMINI: Put some Cap'n Crunch in your hair this week. Ignore any black men you might hear repeatedly screaming the name “Walt”. For you and your cousins, 2010 is the year of the pomegranate.
CANCER: Fireflies will communicate with you in Morse code. Don't drink anything yellow or crimson in colour this week. You will come to remember the upcoming year as “2010: the revenge of the goats.”
LEO: The ghost of Angela Lansbury will haunt you, solving crimes while you're trying to get some sleep. You'll need to have those trousers dry-cleaned by next Friday – trust me. Some guy named Brian will die a horrible flaming death in 2010.
VIRGO: This week, the Swiss authorities will turn you over to the Americans for an outstanding warrant for having relations with a minor decades ago. Don't buy the Sea Monkeys. Use the money to buy the X-ray specs instead. This year will rock your world.
LIBRA: Don't paint your body blue, whatever you do. Clone yourself this week. You'll be happy you did. 2010 will bring you many leotards.
SCORPIO: You feel as if your life is moving forward as if by design, whereas it's actually moving in a leftward direction. Remember: 'waterboarding' is not the fun beach activity its name implies. You will gain four pounds and a pet Pomeranian in the year 2010.
SAGITTARIUS: Wash your windows in three-part harmony. Your parents didn't really sell your pet dog to a farmer, though they did in fact sell your grandmother to one. You will be crowned leader of a small, forgotten country in 2010, but you will be deposed violently in 2011.
CAPRICORN: If you plane crashes in the Andes, eat your enemies first and your friends last. Stop putting so much salt in your socks. 2010 will bring you plenty of fun diseases.
AQUARIUS: This week, you'll be stumped on a six-letter word in the newspaper's crossword puzzle. The correct answer will be “bovine”. Please only use cinnamon where appropriate. In 2010, people will start calling you “Switchblade”.
PISCES: Celebrate your birthday this week. Confuse people. Yogourt might be good for your skin, but it's bad for your soul. You'll find your soul mate fossilised in a piece of granite in 2010.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL
21 - 27 DECEMBER 2009
ARIES: This week, you will hold your breath until you turn blue. Try playing matchmaker to two friends this week who smoke but don't have any lighters.
TAURUS: Hope, in addition to a goose, is the thing with feathers. Be careful how much riboflavin you consume.
GEMINI: Everyone can see that it's a toupee. Do not presume that friends shaking hands saying, “How do you do?” are really saying, “I love you.”
CANCER: Vacuuming your carpet will lead to new and unexpected ponderings on the nature of life. Consider donating your tonsils to the needy.
LEO: Tonight, you will recieve a visit from last night's tuna casserole. A kind stranger will cheat while playing Parcheesi. Call the police immediately.
VIRGO: Although love is a drug, it won't cure your hemorrhoids. Join in conversations with strangers on the bus today, randomly saying, “I'm sorry but I completely disagree.”
LIBRA: This is not a good week to consider purchasing the mortal remains of the Elephant Man. Become vegetarian in your dating habits.
SCORPIO: This week, you will recieve a mysterious package from a stranger. It will contain anthrax. If you receive a vision of Tom Cruise wearing stiletto heels, call your chiropractor.
SAGITTARIUS: This week, try to avoid confrontations with deposed military dictators. Seek your own personal truth in LOLcats.
CAPRICORN: Don't go chasing waterfalls. Please stick to chasing things that actually move: it's more exciting. May your life be as shiny as a mirror ball.
AQUARIUS: Those people aren't laughing with you; they're laughing at you. This week, be prepared to wax your eyebrows.
PISCES: Though you've often thought about giving it all away and moving to Tibet, it turns out that airplane tickets are really an arm and a leg. Compose an epic love poem this week.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL
14 - 20 DECEMBER 2009
ARIES: Keep on hoping that Debbie Gibson and Tiffany will launch a successful comeback. Hope is the only thing some of us have. Now is the time to buy broccoli; there's a great deal down at the supermarket.
TAURUS: Maybe vodka just isn't your drink. Just because Timex says they 'take a licking and keep on ticking' doesn't mean you have to moisten your wristwatch with your tongue.
GEMINI: This week, you will look absolutely fabulous in a nice little lamé number from Milan. The cross that you bear makes bears very cross.
CANCER: A stranger will speak to you only in haiku. Answer in iambic pentameter. Think about the impression your comedy stylings are leaving on young minds.
LEO: Your obsession with My Little Pony will go public, leading to your humiliation. If a homeless man asks you for change this week, quote Jean-Paul Sartre to him.
VIRGO: Looking at a world map, you will be shocked to discover that 'Hootenanny' is not actually a country in Asia. May your life be as crunchy as your peanut butter.
LIBRA: In keeping with a centuries old tradition, this week your neighbours will break into your house and burn all of your wooden furniture. Please respect their ancient ways. Your little lamb has fleece which is only as white as, say, goat's milk.
SCORPIO: Stand up this week and loudly exclaim, “Your honour, I object” at every given opportunity. Mr. Clean will clean your house, but who will clean your soul?
SAGITTARIUS: This week, you will be arrested for spying on your nation during the Cold War in the 1950s. Try to forget about all those sheep.
CAPRICORN: Don't let your pelvis dominate conversation. The ghost of the man you shot and left for dead all those years ago will return to haunt you this week.
AQUARIUS: Put all of your trust this week in things that look like walnuts. Red Bull gives your pantyliners wings.
PISCES: It's time to get rid of that chimp on your shoulder. Just because Michael Jackson used to grab his crotch on the stage doesn't mean you should too.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL
7 - 13 DECEMBER 2009
ARIES: This week, the world is your oyster. Meaning you're likely to contract septicemia from it. Consider donating your sister to charity.
TAURUS: This week, your parents will write embarrassing things on your Facebook wall. Stop talking about using your elbow grease and just wash your arms already.
GEMINI: This week, you'll be April fresh and clean as a whistle. Plus you'll be soft as a baby's bottom. Do a little dance, make a little love and get down tonight.
CANCER: Get your hair permed; your square roots are showing. Don't be taken in by all those discussions of the dangers of fast food: your weight gain is the will of God.
LEO: This week, avoid the letter 'k'. If you're looking for a change of pace, make a homemade “Plinko” board like on “The Price is Right”.
VIRGO: This week, you will experience nightmares involving Sarah Palin. Remember that dreams are only in your head. If you ever feel the urge to glue your hands to your feet, just think of your Uncle Leroy.
LIBRA: You will never be welcome at that bistro again. Stop comparing yourself to Herb Tarlek from WKRP in Cincinnati: nobody is convinced.
SCORPIO: There isn't enough corn in the world to keep a person like you happy. When times are rough, you can always take a small child hostage.
SAGITTARIUS: That thing that's following you? It's not your shadow. This week, you will decide to abandon the childhood nicknames you had for your various body parts.
CAPRICORN: This week, you will learn of the existence of the number '14'. That window of opportunity you've been searching for will be shattered by some punk kid with a baseball bat.
AQUARIUS: You've been dancing the 'robot' far too long. Try to integrate more steps into your dance moves. Don't drive trucks after 7:00 or speak to opossums.
PISCES: Not everyone who calls themselves “Dracula” really is. This week, you will discover entirely new ways to stop the itching.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL
30 NOVEMBER - 6 DECEMBER 2009
ARIES: A fool and his monkey are soon parted.
TAURUS: This week, a cockroach in your apartment will wake up and discover it has turned into a tiny human. It will, however, get stuck in, and die in, a roach trap.
GEMINI: This week, you will be unable to believe it's not butter.
CANCER: Beware of the handshake that hides a snake. Especially a poisonous snake.
LEO: This week, you will be subjected to a house remix. You will suddenly find that you're a hit in Croatia.
VIRGO: You will discover that you are red-blue colourblind this week: this will leave you unable to discuss American politics.
LIBRA: You'll have to keep taking that ointment for the next two weeks.
SCORPIO: You will wake up one morning this week with a complete stranger in your bed. However, the complete stranger will be in the process of giving you an entirely unsexy blood transfusion.
SAGITTARIUS: This week, you will discover that you have a sixth finger on your left hand. This will explain years of difficulty with simple arithmetic.
CAPRICORN: Time to stop sleeping with a crowbar in your pyjamas.
AQUARIUS: You'll never find true love by Googling “true love”.
PISCES: 2.Your evil twin will wake from a 5-year coma this week, return to town and romance your partner.