Sunday, June 27, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 28 June - 4 July 2010

28 JUNE - 4 JULY 2010


ARIES: Efficiency at work this week will bring you absolutely no recognition whatsoever. Your status will be upgraded from Ringo to Paul this week. Aim for George!

TAURUS: If you want to defuse that ticking time bomb in your head, cut the red wire. No, wait: the blue one. Never take driving lessons from a man with an eye patch and a parrot on his shoulder.

GEMINI: You are at a fork in the road. Or maybe it's a spork. You will need to prove yourself this week; use a mathematical proof.

CANCER: Make friends this week with a Taurus, and celebrate your new-found friendship by publically demeaning a Capricorn. Decorate your house with those little umbrellas they put in mai-tais.

LEO: The ability to recite entire scenes verbatim from "Caddyshack" is rarely a job requirement, sad to say. What you need is a fat, funky bassline. And a go-go beat.

VIRGO: If you're looking for a new way to make friends, try holding hostages. It might work. You might discover that the wheels on the bus go round and round only through certain parts of the town.

LIBRA: The week you've been waiting for all these years has finally arrived! Now, if you could only remember why you were waiting for it. Carve your own path this week. Or whittle one.

SCORPIO: Metaphorically, you are a grain of sand in a giant lava lamp riding a white donkey and playing a vuvuzela. Speak on the pompatus of love this week, whatever people call you.

SAGITTARIUS: You will be engulfed in waves of negative energy. It might make your hair stand on end. Stop trying to live in the now, and start living in the fifteen-seconds-ago.

CAPRICORN: This week, Mercury and Mars will meet down at the pub for a few drinks. Join them. Forgive those who tresspass against you, even if they wrecked your flowers.

AQUARIUS: If you find yourself with too many fish to fry this week, consider baking some. Your intuition will be at an all-time high this week, but you already knew that.

PISCES: Take these broken wings and learn to fly again. Or cook them in a honey garlic sauce. Either way. If you find yourself swamped with unrealistic expectations, look for bulrushes.


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Sunday, June 20, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 21 - 27 June 2010

21 - 27 JUNE 2010


ARIES: Count your blessings this week, and do so in a fake Eastern European accent. It's time you stood on your own two feet instead of standing on other people's feet.

TAURUS: Make sure not to let your outlook on life go stale, or your baguette. Living is easy with eyes closed, but you tend to bump into things.

GEMINI: Instead of air guitar, play air bagpipes this week. The ability to speak Pig Latin does not make you a Pig Latino.

CANCER: Metaphorically, you are a lumberjack with a set of castanets singing love songs to an Algerian belly dancer. Your week will be dominated by mushrooms.

LEO: You can't spell 'happiness' without two p's and two s's. Birds roosting on your windowsill will give you perspective on your homelife.

VIRGO: The Pixies were not actual pixies, so exercise extreme caution with any dust given to you by Black Francis or Kim Deal. Don't be angry with the sun - it didn't mean to hurt you.

LIBRA: Lead us not into Temptation, or any other New Order song. Don't spread gossip or rumours this week, unless they're really, really juicy.

SCORPIO: If someone tells you you have fire in your eyes, put it out before it melts your brain. You can't go bobbing for apples just anywhere.

SAGITTARIUS: This week, you will discover that 'Sagittarius' is a tough word to spell. People will love and respect you if you wear a monacle.

CAPRICORN: You'll have to cut corners this week, like on your coffee table. It's high time you accepted that Frankie Goes to Hollywood are just never coming back.

AQUARIUS: This week, talk into electric fans every chance you get. Ask yourself why your mother never named you "Julio." Or, alternately, why she did.

PISCES: Nothing says "I love you" like a set of vocal chords, a tongue and lips. It turns out that Little Miss can most certainly be wrong on occasion.


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Sunday, June 13, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 14 - 20 June 2010

14 - 20 JUNE 2010


ARIES: An old name from bygone days will set off warning bells in your head. Ask a doctor to remove them, as rust can cause health risks. And the noise makes sleeping difficult. Be on the lookout this week for dogs playing poker.

TAURUS: Those people you've friended on Facebook are actually CIA spies. Be very careful. Don't forget the sock puppets.

GEMINI: Your love can move mountains, but probably shouldn't. A new moon on Monday may cause firedances through the night. Resist the urge to spend the cold day with a lonely satellite.

CANCER: If you were Pac-Man, this would be a good week to eat lots of white pellets. Stop looking for love in the neighbourhod nursing home.

LEO: If someone calls you a yahoo, it's not in reference to your ability to find things on the internet. Put transfers of popular Disney characters on your windows.

VIRGO: Stained glass usually isn't made with grass stains. Your sense of duty and obligation to your society will make others laugh.

LIBRA: Treat your teeth with the utmost love and affection: they'll reward you in ways you can't even guess. Your creativity is on an upswing this week. Express yourself in the medium of macaroni art.

SCORPIO: You will find yourself dreaming this week of Joe Pesci. If he is wearing a Speedo, interpret this to mean you will break a valuable statuette. Be careful. Grow mutton-chops. Especially if you're female.

SAGITTARIUS: You always hurt the ones you love, which makes boxing matches that much more homoerotic. Sometimes, you hurt people you detest, too. Look to seahorses for advice this week.

CAPRICORN: You should try to keep a low profile, because the shape of your nose just isn't flattering. Telephone someone at random. Invite them over for tea.

AQUARIUS: This week you might find yourself having to suck up to your boss this week. A Hoover vacuum cleaner might help. If there's a hole in your bucket, you should sing a jaunty song about it.

PISCES: You'll be at your absolute best between 5:00 and 5:30 on Wednesday afternoon. Hope you're not stuck in traffic then. When roosters crow, they're actually gossipping about you.


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Sunday, June 6, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 7 - 13 June 2010

7 - 13 JUNE 2010


ARIES: You will find it difficult to sleep without the aid of a lullaby. Hold your breath until you turn blue this week. Then join the Blue Man Group.

TAURUS: The Taurus with a thirst for knowledge can expect humidity and a high of 25 degrees on Wednesday. Untold horrors will rain down upon all those who misspell the word 'barbecue'.

GEMINI: Look both ways before crossing the street, and look up too, just to be sure. This week will bring you great riches, or great Richie Rich comics.

CANCER: You'll find a secret under your pillow, in exchange for a tooth. Choose a molar. Some girls are bigger than others, and some girls' wristwatches are bigger than other girls' wristwatches.

LEO: This week you will easily overcome any obstacles in your way, especially toddlers. Avoid questions with the word 'how' in them.

VIRGO: You'll fall madly in love with a Gemini this week, only to find that the object of your desires has a crippling addiction to pancakes. Stop looking at the world through rose-coloured glasses. Try lavender instead.

LIBRA: Stop whistling while you work. Everyone hates that. There's nothing in life a cup of coffee can't solve.

SCORPIO: This week will likely consist of seven full stretches of 24 hours each. Use a little elbow grease, and then get disgusted at the mental image of 'elbow grease'.

SAGITTARIUS: Try to budget yourself this week. Don't spend too much money on peanut butter or raisins. Start a new fashion trend by wearing hospital scrubs all day long.

CAPRICORN: If you decide to pursue a career singing quasi-operatic rock music, refrain from naming yourself after a luncheon meat. Keep pet squirrels.

AQUARIUS: If a mirror attempts to tell you who is fairest, just don't listen. You have too much time on your hands this week. Play hopscotch.

PISCES: You might find yourself this week grappling with a difficult decision. A grappling hook should help. You need to think more carefully about your reasons for wearing pants.


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