Sunday, January 31, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 1 - 7 February 2010

1 - 7 FEBRUARY 2010


ARIES: Don't mistake an inferiority complex for the mere fact of being inferior: call it inferiority simplex. Reveal your inner beauty to the world this week, but be on the lookout for police.

TAURUS: The powers that be will declare a holiday in your honour. Paint your walls with pictures of Charlie Chaplin that seem three-dimensional. Call it 'The Little Trompe L'Oeil'.

GEMINI: This week, your blood sugar level will go up, but your blood aspartame level will go down. You will soon realise that you should have listened to your mother more often.

CANCER: Chartreuse is your colour this week. Don't build mountains out of molehills, unless you have gargantuan moles to house.

LEO: This week, you will star in a movie with Orlando Bloom. Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and a bottle of Alka-Seltzer closest.

VIRGO: At the moment, all signs lead either to a disastrous calamity in your personal life or to the nearest highway. Check your GPS. Keep old contacts and traditions by sacrificing an animal to a long-forgotten deity.

LIBRA: You find yourself increasingly annoyed by the vapidity of modern music and long for the golden days, when a song could have an entire chorus built around the word 'lollipop' and the noise made when you pull your finger out of your mouth. Store acorns in a tree trunk.

SCORPIO: This week, you will enter a Mobius loop and repeat this week endlessly, like the movie “Groundhog Day”. Don't take the opportunity to test the effectiveness of the sneeze guard at the local salad bar.

SAGITTARIUS: Look before you reap what you sow. Combine your love of fishing and your love of geometry to become an isosceles angler.

CAPRICORN: This week, you will be arrested for attempting to corrupt a miner forty-niner and his daughter, Clementine. If you are thinking of selling your soul, consider the local flea market. Or hold a raffle.

AQUARIUS: This week, you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack. In polite company, you will be embarrassed to find that you have accidentally let slip a four letter word. The word will be 'plum'.

PISCES: This week, fight for your right to party. Your road is long with many a winding turn, as is your life line. Unfortunately, so is your spine. See a doctor.


Sunday, January 24, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 25 - 31 January 2010

25 - 31 JANUARY 2010


ARIES: You've got to get out there and live a liitle. Or, if possible, live the better part of a century. Petition to make Skee-Ball an Olympic sport.

TAURUS: You can never cook too much chili. This week, you will find Nemo, but you will lose Private Ryan.

GEMINI: You will recieve a message from a long-lost friend in semaphore. Hold the Belgians responsible for your misfortunes.

CANCER: Invite your neighbours over to play Othello. Or, if they prefer, to play “The Taming of the Shrew”. Beneath your thick-skinned exterior beats the heart of a kind, loving person. Beneath your floorboards as well.

LEO: You've got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, and know whether to fold them into the shape of a swan or a jumping frog. In choosing which muffin to purchase, remember that society values brains over bran.

VIRGO: History repeats itself: first as comedy, then as a direct-to-DVD action/thriller starring Jet Li. Play castanets. Non-stop.

LIBRA: This week, you will recieve an unexpected phone call from a mysterious stranger who will later turn out to be Sean 'Diddy' Combs. Now is a good time to cover your body with greasepaint and go to live in the jungle.

SCORPIO: Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of the party, especially Tom Cruise. Wear leotards and a cape.

SAGITTARIUS: The Lord regrets to inform you that, due to budgeting constraints, He will be unable to buy you a Mercedez Benz and recommends one of those new Tata Nanos in its place. An entire microscopic civilisation is living in your linen closet.

CAPRICORN: This week, you will read a horoscope telling you what you will do this week. Don't talk with your mouth full. If using sign language, don't talk with your hands full.

AQUARIUS: Your love line is longer than your entire hand, which makes buying gloves difficult. Consider writing your name entirely in lower case.

PISCES: While choosing a Garden of Eden costume to wear, you will be embarrassed to discover that what you require is not a fig leaf but a Fig Newton. Use seahorses to play water polo.


Sunday, January 17, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 18 - 24 January 2010

18 - 24 JANUARY 2010


ARIES: This week, you will invest in an upstart dot-com, as opposed to a dot-org or a dot-edu. Remember to twist again, like you did last summer.

TAURUS: Love is in the air, as is the H1N1 virus. Breate carefully. Look both ways before you cross your eyes.

GEMINI: Appreciating the 'Harry Potter' series is all well and good, but you should stop drawing a lightning bold on your forehead with magic marker. Put your fist through a wall or two this week.

CANCER: This week you will dive in the highest mountains and climb the deepest seas. Or something like that. Be proud of your ceiling fans.

LEO: Should you choose to travel through the desert on a horse, try giving it a name first. Better yet, take a camel. The Buddha has nothing on you, baby.

VIRGO: Don't be afraid to swim against the current this week. Unless you can't swim. Don't patch your elbows this week. For the love of God.

LIBRA: Gain valuable nutrition advice from a taxi driver this week. Invest in conical bras like the ones Madonna used to wear.

SCORPIO: Listen to your heart this week. This might require a stethoscope. You might be fond of Sex in the City, but it's worth trying it in the countryside too.

SAGITTARIUS: Break a bone or two this week. Just for fun. Remember that you have to crawl before you can walk. Especially if you've had too much to drink.

CAPRICORN: Pursue your dreams this week and buy a hatchback. Or, failing that, a hunchback. Eat buttered scones for tea.

AQUARIUS: Get reacquainted with a past love this week. Bring drill bits. Find your happiness in a remove village in Guatemala.

PISCES: Collect sunflower seeds. You never know when you'll find a rare one. People have been talking about you behind your back, calling you 'discussion-worthy'.


Sunday, January 10, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 11 - 17 January 2010

11 - 17 JANUARY 2010


ARIES: This week, a Roman emperor will give you thumbs up. However, he will only be trying to hitch a ride. Hoard goat cheese.

TAURUS: Watching “The Wizard of Oz”, you will be scandalised to discover that, despite the kids' rhyme, the ladies do in fact wear bras. Try keeping your face in a jar by the door.

GEMINI: This is a good week to find your true love in the maternity wing of the hospital. Always look on the bright side of fluorescent bulbs.

CANCER: Avoid the letter 'w' this week. Donate your housepet to a worthy cause.

LEO: You are a naturally cantakerous person, proud to have a vocabulary rich enough to know what words like 'cantankerous' mean. Wear padded shoulders.

VIRGO: This week, you will run with scissors. Model underwear in the comfort of your own living room.

LIBRA: Increasingly, you have been getting drunk on power. This week, try getting drunk on Tanqueray instead. Choose your friends like you'd choose your dish detergent.

SCORPIO: This week you will build an 828m tower, bringing your small country to the brink of bankruptcy in the process. Learn Chinese, or at least learn Chinese checkers.

SAGITTARIUS: Don't bite off more than you can chew, unless you have a friend willing to help you with the chewing. Spike the fountain of youth with vodka.

CAPRICORN: Remember to eat your vegetables. This week, a whirlwind romance will end in a whirlpool.

AQUARIUS: This week, you will buy new shoes. Try not to make your old shoes jealous. For God's sake, think of the Ukrainians.

PISCES: Sing a song of sixpence, plus VAT. Remember that life is like a cell phone: impossible to buy a replacement battery for, and obsolete before you've even figured out how to use it properly.


Sunday, January 3, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 4 - 10 January 2010

4 - 10 JANUARY 2010


ARIES: This week, you will be visited by a small, red creature with bad grammar and a tendency to go apoplectic with laughter. Animate finger puppets.

TAURUS: You've been putting the Vicks Vapo-Rub in the wrong place all these long years. Learn to play the ocarina this week.

GEMINI: A bird in the hand is worth two nasty cases of Asian bird flu. You will be reminded of the smell of oven cleaner from your childhood this week.

CANCER: You can't use your 'Wii Fit age' to avoid getting carded while buying beer. This week, you will consider joining the army. Do.

LEO: Mashed potatoes can be your friend. Shave a tonsure into the back of your head.

VIRGO: The love child you concieved on that New Years Eve all those years ago will return this week, demanding child support. Now is the time to invest in meat by-products.

LIBRA: This week, you will be subpoenaed by the RIAA for illegally downloading Jonas Brothers songs. Remember that the love you shave might be your own.

SCORPIO: This week is a good time to join a radical America-hating doomsday cult. You'll never find the answers you seek by aiming a telescope at your neighbour's bedroom window.

SAGITTARIUS: Take the bus and make an old lady's day by stealing her seat. Tell her you thought she was too young to give up your seat to. Then hit on her. This is a good week to invent a dance craze.

CAPRICORN: You will fall under the spiritual influence of Steven Seagal. Wear white gloves with only four fingers.

AQUARIUS: Wear spandex this week. Now is a good time to communicate with dolphins.

PISCES: This week, befriend a turtle. Remember to let he who is without sin and he who has a decent pitching arm cast the first stone.