Sunday, November 29, 2009

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 30 November - 6 December 2009



ARIES: A fool and his monkey are soon parted.

TAURUS: This week, a cockroach in your apartment will wake up and discover it has turned into a tiny human. It will, however, get stuck in, and die in, a roach trap.

GEMINI: This week, you will be unable to believe it's not butter.

CANCER: Beware of the handshake that hides a snake. Especially a poisonous snake.

LEO: This week, you will be subjected to a house remix. You will suddenly find that you're a hit in Croatia.

VIRGO: You will discover that you are red-blue colourblind this week: this will leave you unable to discuss American politics.

LIBRA: You'll have to keep taking that ointment for the next two weeks.

SCORPIO: You will wake up one morning this week with a complete stranger in your bed. However, the complete stranger will be in the process of giving you an entirely unsexy blood transfusion.

SAGITTARIUS: This week, you will discover that you have a sixth finger on your left hand. This will explain years of difficulty with simple arithmetic.

CAPRICORN: Time to stop sleeping with a crowbar in your pyjamas.

AQUARIUS: You'll never find true love by Googling “true love”.

PISCES: 2.Your evil twin will wake from a 5-year coma this week, return to town and romance your partner.


Sunday, November 22, 2009

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 23 - 29 November 2009

23 - 29 NOVEMBER 2009


ARIES: This week, you will discover you have the ability to talk to animals; it's merely that they are unable to understand what you are saying.

TAURUS: Haven't you ever wondered why there's never a good plumber when you need one?

GEMINI: This week, your secret identity will be revealed – but only during a late-night infomercial featuring the Shamwow / Slap-Chop guy.

CANCER: You will get a visit from an old friend this week who will enquire why you don't have any young friends.

LEO: The best things in life have Velcro on them.

VIRGO: This week you will discover to your shock and dismay that people don't, in fact, wish their girlfriends were hot like you.

LIBRA: You and your microwave oven will have a falling-out.

SCORPIO: You will finally find that sock you lost four years ago. This will leave you weeping tears of joy.

SAGITTARIUS: This week, you will discover a previously-unknown planet circling a neighbouring star. You will be nominated for a Nobel Prize but will lose to Paris Hilton.

CAPRICORN: You will be bitten by a radioactive spider and develop a superpower, but the power will only allow you to be more successful at “Magic: the Gathering”.

AQUARIUS: This week, you will father a set of children with a woman with strange hair named Kate. This prediction holds regardless of your gender.

PISCES: If wishes were horses, they'd leave wish droppings all over the place.


Sunday, November 15, 2009

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 16 - 22 November 2009

16 - 22 NOVEMBER 2009


ARIES: There's no time like the present to perform long division.

TAURUS: Stop scattering your seed into the wind: the neighbours are starting to talk.

GEMINI: This week, you will learn that your teenage crush has gotten married. Your teenage crush is, of course, the star of TV's 'Punky Brewster'.

CANCER: “Lather, rinse, repeat” will become your new mantra.

LEO: Please stop trying to get people to refer to you and your partner by a name devised of the combination of the first syllables of both of your names; it'll never happen.

VIRGO: When a bald guy offers you a choice of numbered suitcases to open, don't choose 17.

LIBRA: That nice old lady with the blue hair is slowly poisoning you with hatred. And with arsenic.

SCORPIO: As the breadwinner of the family, you will this week discover that many other jobs actually give money as payment.

SAGITTARIUS: You will discover that being able to belch the whole alphabet carries less weight than it used to.

CAPRICORN: Ignore people who tell you to keep your hands to yourself; they're just jealous.

AQUARIUS: After years of deliberation, you will settle in the Pacific nation of Palau.

PISCES: Your enemies will attempt to crush you into a fine powder this week. They will only manage to crush you into pebble-sized pieces.


Sunday, November 8, 2009

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 9 - 15 November 2009

9 - 15 NOVEMBER 2009


ARIES: During a transatlantic discussion, variant usage of the word 'fanny' will cause you confusion this week. And some bruising as well.

TAURUS: Important truths about your life will be revealed to you in the form of a “Captcha” on an online form.

GEMINI: You will question your sexuality this week. Your sexuality will demand a lawyer.

CANCER: At 10:00 next Wednesday, the world will end, unless you personally do something to stop it. Figure out what.

LEO: Your taste in music will be ridiculed this week.

VIRGO: You will believe that you have been saved by Jesus; but in truth you will have been saved by Philip Haines of Schenectady, New York.

LIBRA: In a spelling contest, a child will spell 'potato' correctly, but you will advise her to spell it incorrectly. You will be ridiculed.

SCORPIO: Um, those weren't chocolate-covered almonds...

SAGITTARIUS: This week, you will hyphenate your surname.

CAPRICORN: When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high, and don't be afraid of the pneumonia that will inevitably result.

AQUARIUS: It bothers you when people fail to comment on your eyebrows.

PISCES: You will have plastic surgery in the next twelve months, but as a result everyone will think you are Lionel Richie.


Sunday, November 1, 2009

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 2 - 8 November 2009

2 - 8 NOVEMBER 2009


ARIES: You will contract a deadly illness next week but will be miraculously cured of it 15 minutes later. You will be none the wiser.

TAURUS: You'll never overcome your reputation as a one-hit wonder.

GEMINI: It might help you to slip the police officer a $50, but don't tuck it into the waistband of his pants.

CANCER: A video of you will surface on and will become an internet meme.

LEO: Calling yourself 'the chiropractor of love' will get you nowhere on the dating scene.

VIRGO: This week, you will find yourself at work faced with the snap decision of where to vomit: do not choose the flowerpot in your boss's office.

LIBRA: Nobody wants to hear about your underwear.

SCORPIO: You will buy a small rodent this week and will name it “Cynthia”.

SAGITTARIUS: It might be funny to call out, “that's not a knife; this is a knife”, but airport security is not the place for it.

CAPRICORN: Ask not what you can do for your country but what you can do for your Uncle Carlos.

AQUARIUS: This week you will meet a dancing boy in a Chinese suit. Speak to him; steal his flute.

PISCES: Jesus will come to you like a thief in the night. And, ironically, a house burglar will come to you like a Messiah.