Sunday, June 6, 2010
HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL
7 - 13 JUNE 2010
ARIES: You will find it difficult to sleep without the aid of a lullaby. Hold your breath until you turn blue this week. Then join the Blue Man Group.
TAURUS: The Taurus with a thirst for knowledge can expect humidity and a high of 25 degrees on Wednesday. Untold horrors will rain down upon all those who misspell the word 'barbecue'.
GEMINI: Look both ways before crossing the street, and look up too, just to be sure. This week will bring you great riches, or great Richie Rich comics.
CANCER: You'll find a secret under your pillow, in exchange for a tooth. Choose a molar. Some girls are bigger than others, and some girls' wristwatches are bigger than other girls' wristwatches.
LEO: This week you will easily overcome any obstacles in your way, especially toddlers. Avoid questions with the word 'how' in them.
VIRGO: You'll fall madly in love with a Gemini this week, only to find that the object of your desires has a crippling addiction to pancakes. Stop looking at the world through rose-coloured glasses. Try lavender instead.
LIBRA: Stop whistling while you work. Everyone hates that. There's nothing in life a cup of coffee can't solve.
SCORPIO: This week will likely consist of seven full stretches of 24 hours each. Use a little elbow grease, and then get disgusted at the mental image of 'elbow grease'.
SAGITTARIUS: Try to budget yourself this week. Don't spend too much money on peanut butter or raisins. Start a new fashion trend by wearing hospital scrubs all day long.
CAPRICORN: If you decide to pursue a career singing quasi-operatic rock music, refrain from naming yourself after a luncheon meat. Keep pet squirrels.
AQUARIUS: If a mirror attempts to tell you who is fairest, just don't listen. You have too much time on your hands this week. Play hopscotch.
PISCES: You might find yourself this week grappling with a difficult decision. A grappling hook should help. You need to think more carefully about your reasons for wearing pants.