Sunday, May 2, 2010
HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL
3 - 9 MAY 2010
ARIES: That sleigh you had as a child is gone and lost forever. No amount of snow globes will change that. Your job life will present new opportunities in the form of a poker-playing camel.
TAURUS: The volcano in your heart will stop all intercontinental air traffic this week. Remember that 'sorry' is only a word, and so is 'banjo'.
GEMINI: Live your life like they do on beer commercials. Be careful not to sacrifice your soul for good oral hygiene.
CANCER: Don't trust anything that plays Brahms' Lullaby when you wind it up. You've been neglecting toast.
LEO: Don't trust your horoscope this week. After you die, people will primarily remember you by the way you garnished hot dogs.
VIRGO: This week, true love will haunt you like a ghost carrying a semi-automatic weapon. For the love of God, use a pencil, not a pen.
LIBRA: Interstate travel is not recommended if you have a banjo on your knee. Read the classified ads this week: you might just find some cabbages.
SCORPIO: Though your life will be a dismal failure for the next 18 months, you will eat a really delicious cupcake. You're never too old to use a pogo stick.
SAGITTARIUS: Your loved one will be Silly Putty in your hands, which will freak you completely out. There's more to life than Beetle Bailey.
CAPRICORN: You might find that a spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down. If the world doesn't end on Tuesday, you're home free.
AQUARIUS: Listen to your senses, but ignore your sensei, whatever he tells you to do. Metaphorically, you are a lab rat chopping down a cherry tree with a swizzle stick.
PISCES: Spiritually, this is a good week for fish tacos. As Venus aligns with Jupiter in the third house this week, you'll find that you're late for “Dancing with the Stars”.