Sunday, May 16, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 17 - 23 May 2010

17 - 23 MAY 2010


ARIES: If someone in your family is a workoholic, try to find ways to decrease his or her workohol intake. Look before you leap, unless you're a cartoon animal, in which case look once you've run halfway across the gap between cliffs.

TAURUS: Metaphorically, your love life is like a swan gasping for air while bathing in a swimming pool filled with cotton. A nice man with a shockingly unconvincing toupée will strike up a dialogue with you.

GEMINI: Brace yourself for a wild adventure this week: that way, even if nothing happens, you'll still be nicely braced. Two words: tofu tiramisu.

CANCER: If you're thinking of romancing the stone, may I suggest Sharon? You'll never find harmony in your social life if you keep flattening those fifth intervals.

LEO: Don't go mistaking paradise for that home across the road. You will be haunted by memories this week. Or by poltergeists.

VIRGO: While it's important to be as broad-minded as possible, remember that feminists disapprove of the word 'broad'. You will meet a new friend in the bathroom at Wendy's.

LIBRA: There won't be any trumpets blowing come the judgement day, but perhaps there'll be some piccolos. The mice living in your rafters will bring you positive messages of hope and peace.

SCORPIO: Though this week might seem to be filled with nothing but soul-crushing tedium, opportunity will strike if you dig deep enough. You can't force love, but you can force feed someone you love.

SAGITTARIUS: Penguins rest heavily in your imagination this week. If you've been thinking of living in a mobile home, now's the time to read up on sewage tank maintenance.

CAPRICORN: You might be faced with criticism this week. Take confidence in the fact that they've overlooked a good many of your faults. Persuade a loved one to love two.

AQUARIUS: This week, you might find yourself obsessing over details. Just remember there are other men's magazines on the newsstand. Yoga is as yoga does.

PISCES: If you've ever dreamed of going skydiving, now is the perfect time to realise what a ridiculous dream that is. If luck hands you two donkeys, remember the donkeyless among us.


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