Sunday, May 30, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 31 May - 6 June 2010

31 MAY - 6 JUNE 2010


ARIES: Though this week you will lose your chance at eternal happiness, you will find that other sock you've been looking for. Yodeling from the mountain tops will teach you much about your life.

TAURUS: A loved one will give you the cold shoulder this week. Try heating it with a hot water bottle. Stay out of the limelight, and head straight for the lemonlight.

GEMINI: Metaphorically speaking, your heart is a beaver drenched in molasses and hung from a flagpole, singing “Kumbaya”. Living with vegetables will give you the opportunity to reacquaint yourself with the humble zucchini.

CANCER: Everybody's working for the weekend, so try working for Tuesday afternoon instead. Wear tweed elbow patches. And a tweed soul patch, if applicable.

LEO: Ambition may drive you to do terrible things, like wear Uggs. Your friends are the only people who truly understand your feelings about Barney the Purple Dinosaur.

VIRGO: This Thursday, beware a giant man with a blue tongue. Do not obey him, at any cost. There's more to life than Pop-Tarts.

LIBRA: Now is the time to avoid gravy. Hold your head up high, but not so high that it makes your neck look freakishly long.

SCORPIO: Your love for Christina Aguilera is, sadly, only partially requited. You've been looking for love in all the wrong places, and your car keys as well.

SAGITTARIUS: Someone from the past will reappear this week – perhaps someone from the Middle Ages, or the Neolithic Revolution. Airport security recognise you by name. This can't be a good thing.

CAPRICORN: Roses are red, violets are blue, and knowing the colours of flowers will get you nowhere in life. Surfing the web for cute pictures of cats will lead to major lifestyle changes.

AQUARIUS: You've spent too many years now waiting for the perfect fishhook to catch your eye. Ask, and ye shall be given a stern warning not to be too inquisitive.

PISCES: Whatever you own that's rubber, hide it now. As Venus is rising this week, you might like to tether it somewhere stable.


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Sunday, May 23, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 24 - 30 May 2010

24 - 30 MAY 2010


ARIES: This week you might be fooled by the rocks someone's got. Remember they're probably igneous. Suffer fools gladly, with the help of a good painkiller.

TAURUS: Although you are just a soul whose intentions are good, there is a chance this week that you may be misunderstood. Now is the time to look into feng shui, and to laugh at how silly it is.

GEMINI: Never trust a Virgo, especially not with your laundry. Be frank in your work life, and be george in your love life.

CANCER: Are those hungry hungry hippos you're playing with, or eating disorder eating disorder hippos? This week, you will successfully be able to lick your elbow.

LEO: You can't see the forest for the trees, which might mean you need glasses. When you wish upon a star, you might find signs indicating a rocky road ahead in your love life.

VIRGO: Don't through out the baby with the bathwater, because that's some perfectly good water. A teary-eyed former child star might harrass you to 'cross over' this week. Just tell her you see the light and then kick her in the shins.

LIBRA: Face it: your life is never going to be like an Absolut Vodka ad. Something in your personal life will cause you to break out in hives.

SCORPIO: Don't forget to call your mother, or at least your barber. This week, you might find that your participles have been dangling. Call in an expert.

SAGITTARIUS: You might develop a superpower this week, or perhaps a goitre. Talk with your friends this week about the things that really matter, like NASCAR.

CAPRICORN: Things are looking up for you this week. Turn their heads downward to have them looking straight ahead instead. Buy a waffle iron.

AQUARIUS: You might hear some angels on high this week. Putting them on low will preserve energy. Travel by train, or travel with a trainer.

PISCES: This week, you might see a black cat crossing your path, but rest assured it's just a very dark grey. Dreams of cottage cheese might lead to an envelope filled with anthrax in the mail.


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Sunday, May 16, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 17 - 23 May 2010

17 - 23 MAY 2010


ARIES: If someone in your family is a workoholic, try to find ways to decrease his or her workohol intake. Look before you leap, unless you're a cartoon animal, in which case look once you've run halfway across the gap between cliffs.

TAURUS: Metaphorically, your love life is like a swan gasping for air while bathing in a swimming pool filled with cotton. A nice man with a shockingly unconvincing toupée will strike up a dialogue with you.

GEMINI: Brace yourself for a wild adventure this week: that way, even if nothing happens, you'll still be nicely braced. Two words: tofu tiramisu.

CANCER: If you're thinking of romancing the stone, may I suggest Sharon? You'll never find harmony in your social life if you keep flattening those fifth intervals.

LEO: Don't go mistaking paradise for that home across the road. You will be haunted by memories this week. Or by poltergeists.

VIRGO: While it's important to be as broad-minded as possible, remember that feminists disapprove of the word 'broad'. You will meet a new friend in the bathroom at Wendy's.

LIBRA: There won't be any trumpets blowing come the judgement day, but perhaps there'll be some piccolos. The mice living in your rafters will bring you positive messages of hope and peace.

SCORPIO: Though this week might seem to be filled with nothing but soul-crushing tedium, opportunity will strike if you dig deep enough. You can't force love, but you can force feed someone you love.

SAGITTARIUS: Penguins rest heavily in your imagination this week. If you've been thinking of living in a mobile home, now's the time to read up on sewage tank maintenance.

CAPRICORN: You might be faced with criticism this week. Take confidence in the fact that they've overlooked a good many of your faults. Persuade a loved one to love two.

AQUARIUS: This week, you might find yourself obsessing over details. Just remember there are other men's magazines on the newsstand. Yoga is as yoga does.

PISCES: If you've ever dreamed of going skydiving, now is the perfect time to realise what a ridiculous dream that is. If luck hands you two donkeys, remember the donkeyless among us.


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Sunday, May 9, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 10 - 16 May 2010

10 - 16 MAY 2010


ARIES: Join the Boy Scouts this week. There are many good knots to learn how to tie. You will be featured in an upcoming issue of National Geographic.

TAURUS: Your superego is actually only a merely-adequate-ego. Someone's trying to get in touch with you. Pretend your cell phone's run out of charge.

GEMINI: All signs are showing that this week will be a good week for your mental health, but then again what do signs know, right? When in Rome, do as the tourists do.

CANCER: What do you think is worse: having a crustacean as the symbol of your star sign, or having a disease as the name? Remember: early to bed, early to rise makes a man miss Letterman.

LEO: Oh Leo, Leo, dance across the Rio Grande. Now is the time to make your dreams reality, especially that dream you keep having where you're naked in public.

VIRGO: Your friends describe you as an 'old soul', by which they mean you have the fashoin sense of Grandpa Simpson. Consider writing your name in all lower-case, like k.d. lang.

LIBRA: Although you can't judge a book by its cover, you can usually learn a lot from its dust jacket. Wear spandex leopard-print underwear.

SCORPIO: If you feel like a great whale at times, it's probably due to how much krill you eat. Paint the town red this week. Use acrylic.

SAGITTARIUS: If you've been considering shaving your head, now might be the time for psychological examination. You really need to take stock and figure out where you are on your life's journey. GPS should help.

CAPRICORN: Have you spoken to your flowerpots lately? Microsoft Word can correct your typos, but not your karma.

AQUARIUS: Talk to your toes. Make them feel at home. Once upon a time, you dressed so fine and threw the bums a dime in your prime, but factoring in inflation, you should now be throwing them eighteen cents.

PISCES: Beware of radioactivity, but embrace televisionactivity. All signs indicate that tomorrow is a good time to settle down. Until tomorrow, however, just keep moving on.


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