Sunday, August 22, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 23 - 29 August 2010

23 - 29 AUGUST 2010
ARIES: Your soul is a bagpiper playing "Scotland the Brave" ten times an hour. A lonely evening at home will not be improved by pay-per-view porn.

TAURUS: Red Bull gives you wings, but they're honey garlic wings. And who wants them? Instead of spilling a trusted confidante's secrets, try spilling some salad dressing on your tie instead.

GEMINI: You can dance. You can jive. But all signs show that this week you won't be having the time of your life. Share secrets with a friend, but not with a megaphone.

CANCER: Blood is thicker than water, but thinner than chocolate pudding. Meet a special someone this week in an unlit alley after dark.

LEO: Your star sign is an anagram for 'olé!', proving you were destined for a life as a flamenco dancer. Happiness is just a hepatitis inoculation away.

VIRGO: As attractive as the sun clearly is, don't forget the moon needs some loving too. This is a good week for buying cars. And also for playing cards and for consuming carbs.

LIBRA: This is a good week to eat, drink and be merry, although not the kind that has a little lamb. Kids these days don't say 'bad' to mean 'good' anymore, so that comment was a genuine criticism of your chicken cacciatore.

SCORPIO: You're feeling positively breezy this week, which could turn to gale force winds by Thursday. Glow worms are rarely found inside glow apples.

SAGITTARIUS: 'Love' is just a four-letter word, but so is 'okra'. Come to think of it, I'd rather you didn't drink my liquor from an old fruit jar either.

CAPRICORN: This is a good week to publish your memoirs, or at least to spend time thinking about how silly the word 'memoir' is. Compose a raga for sitar and sarod this week.

AQUARIUS: This week, you will be plagued by ennui, angst and other five-letter foreign words. Change your name to an unpronounceable symbol.

PISCES: The moon is in Scorpio this week, causing old women on your street to get anxious about Roto-Rooters. When was the last time you really stuck your neck out for the vampires in your life?

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Sunday, August 15, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 16 - 22 August 2010

16 - 22 AUGUST 2010
ARIES: This week, you will discover a new way to wash your hands so early in the morning. If your dog begins speaking this week, follow its advice.

TAURUS: You will find a recipe for disaster while looking for a recipe for angel's food cake. Talk with a lisp this week.

GEMINI: Don't be fooled by a girl offering to hold a football for you to practise kicking, especially if that same girl otherwise offers psychiatric advice. Forego pants whenever possible.

CANCER: Dreams of dancing microwave ovens might mean a visit from an old school bus driver. Discover a fun new food allergy.

LEO: This week, Firefox will prevent your enemies from opening a pop-up window. Thank it. Get a tattoo of Ross Perot on your elbow.

VIRGO: Sacrifice a Virgo this week to the volcano gods. Catch wily rabbits by singing Wagner.

LIBRA: There's never been a Sesame Street character who knows your inner soul like Snuffleupagus. Live in the 1950s this week. Wear pearls at the dinner table.

SCORPIO: This is a good week for love, in particular for love of dairy products. Use your sense of right and wrong this week to manipulate someone into evildoing on your behalf.

SAGITTARIUS: The hospital is no place to show hospitality: try your living room instead. Start naming your friends after vegetables.

CAPRICORN: Click your heels together as much as you like but you'll never get to Kansas unless you drive there. Consider the relative dangers of the Blackberry and the acai berry.

AQUARIUS: Swearing like a sailor will make you seem sexier this week. You should socialise only with people who keep Chia pets.

PISCES: Get more iron in your diet, ironing in your chores and irony in your sense of humour. Good fortune awaits you at the bottom of the Lucky Charms box.

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Sunday, August 8, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 9 - 15 August 2010

9 - 15 AUGUST 2010


ARIES: What you thought were close personal ties will turn out to be polyester and shrink in the wash. Waddle as much as possible.

TAURUS: Baby bok choi holds all the answers. What at first seems like success will later turn out to be a crushing defeat that will make you a pariah for years to come.

GEMINI: Now is the time to realise your ambition to write a Broadway musical about the life of Mary Lou Retton. Go to the barber this week, but not for a bloodletting.

CANCER: Seek your destiny in 80s new wave music. In most social circles, floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee is considered poor table manners.

LEO: Love will keep you together, but in addition, love will tear you apart. It's complicated. Change your pet's name to Pablo.

VIRGO: Shoe polish is really, honestly only used to polish shoes. You will discover a new island in the Pacific Ocean and earn millions selling bird droppings and internet domain space to the world.

LIBRA: It's easier to admit defeat than it is to admit to sticking pencil lead up your nose when you were in grade two. Flee the flea market.

SCORPIO: Now is the time to test whether or not eating apple seeds will really make an apple tree grow in your stomach. Spend some valuable time this week avoiding the police.

SAGITTARIUS: It's time to start facing facts, instead of standing with your back to them. Avoid Libras like the plague this week.

CAPRICORN: If opportunity comes knocking, lock your door and pretend you're not home. Do unto others as you would have David Hasselhoff do unto you.

AQUARIUS: Invent a new language this week and use it to write epic love poems. Don't follow lederhosen or watch parking meters.

PISCES: This week, you will be unlucky in love but lucky in Battleship. Dreams of cottage cheese could represent new personal fortunes, or a tendency to vote Republican.


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Sunday, August 1, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 2 - 8 August 2010

2 - 8 AUGUST 2010


ARIES: Sing a song of sixpence, plus VAT. Remember that life is like a cell phone: impossible to buy a replacement battery for, and obsolete before you've even figured out how to use it properly.

TAURUS: This week, a Roman emperor will give you thumbs up. However, he will only be trying to hitch a ride. Hoard goat cheese.

GEMINI: Watching “The Wizard of Oz”, you will be scandalised to discover that, despite the kids' rhyme, the ladies do in fact wear bras. Try keeping your face in a jar by the door.

CANCER: This is a good week to find your true love in the maternity wing of the hospital. Always look on the bright side of fluorescent bulbs.

LEO: Avoid the letter 'w' this week. Donate your housepet to a worthy cause.

VIRGO: You are a naturally cantakerous person, proud to have a vocabulary rich enough to know what words like 'cantankerous' mean. Wear padded shoulders.

LIBRA: This week, you will run with scissors. Model underwear in the comfort of your own living room.

SCORPIO: Increasingly, you have been getting drunk on power. This week, try getting drunk on Tanqueray instead. Choose your friends like you'd choose your dish detergent.

SAGITTARIUS: This week you will build an 828m tower, bringing your small country to the brink of bankruptcy in the process. Learn Chinese, or at least learn Chinese checkers.

CAPRICORN: Don't bite off more than you can chew, unless you have a friend willing to help you with the chewing. Spike the fountain of youth with vodka.

AQUARIUS: Remember to eat your vegetables. This week, a whirlwind romance will end in a whirlpool.

PISCES: This week, you will buy new shoes. Try not to make your old shoes jealous. For God's sake, think of the Ukrainians.


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