Sunday, March 28, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 29 March - 4 April 2010

29 MARCH - 4 APRIL 2010


ARIES: Although you may seem to have lost weight recently, you have in fact merely misplaced it. Metaphorically speaking, you are a seahorse with a machete in its mouth.

TAURUS: Walk with your head held high, unless it's too sunny. Avoid, or rather don't use, diphthongs this week.

GEMINI: Flying monkeys will invade your house this week. You might find yourself on the cover of Vanity Fair.

CANCER: Go on a Diet of Worms this week. You will never be as popular as any number of cats with videos on Youtube.

LEO: Learn to play the ocarina this week. It will lead to an illustrious career as a video game character. Wear black, or at least wear a sign with the word 'black' written on it.

VIRGO: Not only weasels go pop. This week, you will learn how to properly seal a Zip-Loc bag.

LIBRA: Although the police will frame you this week for a crime you did not commit, Jessica Fletcher will reveal the true criminal, thus exonerating you. A nice gold lamé suit would look smashing on you this week.

SCORPIO: Don't get caught with your pants down. Wear them as high as possible, like your grandfather. Buy the one you love some tomatoes.

SAGITTARIUS: This week you will find new dimensions arising within you. Call your doctor immediately. A horrible, ghastly future awaits you. Well, either you or Sally Weinberg of Mesa, Arizona.

CAPRICORN: Use the mildest of euphemisms for swear words this week. Consider 'heck' and 'fudge.' Join the Rod Stewart fan club.

AQUARIUS: Ramen noodles will provide the answers you seek. Are you going to take gardening advice from just anyone?

PISCES: You will find almonds particularly tasty this week. Now is the time to make your dreams about Xena the Warrior Princess come true.


Sunday, March 21, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 22 - 28 March 2010

22 - 28 MARCH 2010


ARIES: Your life will get a two-star rating in the Michelin Guide. If someone offers to sell you letters of the alphabet, buy an 'o'.

TAURUS: If you act within the next half hour, you'll recieve a special gift at no extra cost. The FBI will open a case file for you this week in regards to possible communist sympathies.

GEMINI: Keep Glenn Close, but keep her enemies closer. Prepare yourself this week for a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Past, who is coming round to collect an old gambling debt.

CANCER: Invade a foreign country. Don't leave Charles in charge of your days or your nights.

LEO: Demand a recount of Alice the Camel's humps. Look for signs of impending doom or of acid reflux.

VIRGO: Now is a good time to eat your vegetables. Except turnips. No one likes that nasty stuff. You will find a long-lost 'lost-and-found' desk.

LIBRA: If a friend asks you out on a date this week, insist you go to a place that sells prunes. Spend energy this week instead of spending money. Cashiers won't mind.

SCORPIO: If your rooster crows earlier than normal, it might mean it's time to change your fabric softener. Watch out for leprechauns.

SAGITTARIUS: Dress up like Snow White this week. If knowing all the words to 'the Humpty Dance' is your main claim to fame, you might need to stretch your horizons.

CAPRICORN: This is a good week to cheat on your partner at cards. Don't sweat the small stuff. Sweat a mixture of water and dissolved solids instead.

AQUARIUS: This week, you will speak and Hollywood will listen. Domesticate a new species, like perhaps the lungfish.

PISCES: Now is the time for a deathbed conversion: your deathbed might make a lovely daybed instead. Don't believe everything you read on washroom walls.


Sunday, March 14, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 15 - 21 March 2010

15 - 21 MARCH 2010


ARIES: This week, expect a phone call from a Virgo with long eyelashes. This person will try to sell you a timeshare in the Florida Keys. Keep the door to your secret crypt carefully locked.

TAURUS: What you've always suspected to be true really is true: your ability to eat really hot food is indeed an expression of your masculinity. Regardless of your gender. If you've never danced with the devil in the pale moonlight, now might be a good chance to try.

GEMINI: Time to learn what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars. If you hold your nose, suddenly all TV shows taste the same.

CANCER: Now is the time to remember with bittersweet nostalgia British ski jumpers of years past. If you keep fish, they might test your patience this week. Don't give into their demands.

LEO: Follow intellectual pursuits this week, like bingo. Avoid Aquariuses this week, as they are liable to punch you in the stomach.

VIRGO: You may feel the temptation to live outside the law, but try not to live outside the police station. This week, you will discover several new things which are all finger-licking good.

LIBRA: While your horoscope might bring bad news, your colonoscope will bring better news. Follow your ambition to become a forklift driver.

SCORPIO: Remember those playful, careless days of your youth? Well, they're gone forever now. Get over it. Count sheep this week. If unavailable, count goats.

SAGITTARIUS: God would not punish you this week if you decided to build a really big tower. Chew with your mouth closed, but with your eyes open.

CAPRICORN: Buy a second-hand watch with a second hand this week. Nobody will rain on your parade this week, provided you hold your parade in the desert.

AQUARIUS: Your love life this week will be comparable to a kiwifruit: green and seedy on the inside, brown and fuzzy on the outside. This is a good week to play shuffleboard.

PISCES: This is a good week to wander aimlessly. Leave breadcrumbs in order to find your way back. If you push the right buttons, you can learn the cosines and square roots of various numbers.


Sunday, March 7, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 8 - 14 March 2010

8 - 14 MARCH 2010


ARIES: If you have any wicked stepsisters, now is the time to attempt a dewicking. Teach a homeless child how to dance the lambada.

TAURUS: People may be laughing at you, but you'll get the last laugh. This is because you're slow to understand the punchline. Drink the nectar of the gods, or at least of apricots.

GEMINI: Try not to be governed by your emotions this week, or by the Conservative Party. Listen very carefully to what your soup is telling you. But ignore your porridge – it lies like a rug.

CANCER: Set your alarm clock to ring loudly and obnoxiously every time “Gilligan's Island” is shown on local TV. Grow radishes in the trunk of your car.

LEO: The proof is in the pudding, and so is salmonella. Make changes to your home. Get new wainscotting done. Learn what in God's name wainscotting is.

VIRGO: This week, you will fall in love with a cartoon character. Perhaps Bullwinkle. If you had eyes on the back of your head, a hall of mirrors would blow your mind.

LIBRA: Should auld acquaintances be forgot and never brought to mind? Of course not. That's just silly talk. Give yourself Brezhnev's eyebrows.

SCORPIO: This is the wrong week to get your tonsils removed, particularly if you've already had them removed. Dial the operator this week and shout song lyrics into the phone.

SAGITTARIUS: Wear stilts to work. You will find a shopping cart encrusted with seaweed at the bottom of a river or shallow lake. Treat it gently.

CAPRICORN: This week, you will discover, to your abject horror, who's been stealing your hubcaps all these years. Now is the time to redefine your relationship with calculus.

AQUARIUS: Play ping pong this week as if your life depended on it. Don't be afraid of giant marshmallow villians anymore.

PISCES: Metaphorically speaking, your future is like gum stuck to hot asphalt in the summer. Ignore Toucan Sam's advice and follow your spleen instead. It frequently knows.