Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 26 April - 2 May 2010

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

26 APRIL - 2 MAY 2010

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ARIES: Your destiny may not be written in the stars, but it's definitely written on the bathroom wall. Use umlauts sparingly.

TAURUS: If life sends you a fruit basket, avoid the pineapple. Everyone knows you can't move a rubber tree plant. And anyway, why would you want to?

GEMINI: While the pen is mightier than the sword, you will discover this week that an anvil is mightier than either of them. There are people out there trying to steal your soul. You should offer them a kind of timeshare proposal instead.

CANCER: Speak with an Irish accent this week. And kiss all stones you see, be they blarney or not. May your life be filled with bacon.

LEO: In the afterlife, you will be serenaded by Sting on a daily basis. Now is the time to eliminate 'tai chi' from your vocabulary.

VIRGO: The grass is always greener where they've spilt green paint in the garden. This week, you will find your spirits high but your wines and alcopops low.

LIBRA: Your future lies with penguins. Trust me. If you can't walk like an Egyptian, at least attempt to walk like a Tunisian.

SCORPIO: Can you dig it? Well, not without a shovel. It doesn't matter how many colours your crayon box has, you'll still just draw everything in black, red and blue.

SAGITTARIUS: This is a good week to sweat to the oldies. Or, in the company of oldies. Don't let the Internet speak to you that way.

CAPRICORN: That good luck you've been trying to find? Have you ever thought that maybe you've been finding-and-replacing by accident? If you have any plans this week involving wax, cancel them immediately.

AQUARIUS: Time to let go of the steering wheel. Though you might want to pull over first. This week, you may see a fat lady singing. However, don't presume that the opera is over.

PISCES: While life may be sweet, it's also high in carbohydrates. Try to sweeten your life with aspartame if possible. True love rarely carries a pickaxe.

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