Sunday, January 3, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 4 - 10 January 2010

4 - 10 JANUARY 2010


ARIES: This week, you will be visited by a small, red creature with bad grammar and a tendency to go apoplectic with laughter. Animate finger puppets.

TAURUS: You've been putting the Vicks Vapo-Rub in the wrong place all these long years. Learn to play the ocarina this week.

GEMINI: A bird in the hand is worth two nasty cases of Asian bird flu. You will be reminded of the smell of oven cleaner from your childhood this week.

CANCER: You can't use your 'Wii Fit age' to avoid getting carded while buying beer. This week, you will consider joining the army. Do.

LEO: Mashed potatoes can be your friend. Shave a tonsure into the back of your head.

VIRGO: The love child you concieved on that New Years Eve all those years ago will return this week, demanding child support. Now is the time to invest in meat by-products.

LIBRA: This week, you will be subpoenaed by the RIAA for illegally downloading Jonas Brothers songs. Remember that the love you shave might be your own.

SCORPIO: This week is a good time to join a radical America-hating doomsday cult. You'll never find the answers you seek by aiming a telescope at your neighbour's bedroom window.

SAGITTARIUS: Take the bus and make an old lady's day by stealing her seat. Tell her you thought she was too young to give up your seat to. Then hit on her. This is a good week to invent a dance craze.

CAPRICORN: You will fall under the spiritual influence of Steven Seagal. Wear white gloves with only four fingers.

AQUARIUS: Wear spandex this week. Now is a good time to communicate with dolphins.

PISCES: This week, befriend a turtle. Remember to let he who is without sin and he who has a decent pitching arm cast the first stone.


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