Sunday, January 17, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 18 - 24 January 2010

18 - 24 JANUARY 2010


ARIES: This week, you will invest in an upstart dot-com, as opposed to a dot-org or a dot-edu. Remember to twist again, like you did last summer.

TAURUS: Love is in the air, as is the H1N1 virus. Breate carefully. Look both ways before you cross your eyes.

GEMINI: Appreciating the 'Harry Potter' series is all well and good, but you should stop drawing a lightning bold on your forehead with magic marker. Put your fist through a wall or two this week.

CANCER: This week you will dive in the highest mountains and climb the deepest seas. Or something like that. Be proud of your ceiling fans.

LEO: Should you choose to travel through the desert on a horse, try giving it a name first. Better yet, take a camel. The Buddha has nothing on you, baby.

VIRGO: Don't be afraid to swim against the current this week. Unless you can't swim. Don't patch your elbows this week. For the love of God.

LIBRA: Gain valuable nutrition advice from a taxi driver this week. Invest in conical bras like the ones Madonna used to wear.

SCORPIO: Listen to your heart this week. This might require a stethoscope. You might be fond of Sex in the City, but it's worth trying it in the countryside too.

SAGITTARIUS: Break a bone or two this week. Just for fun. Remember that you have to crawl before you can walk. Especially if you've had too much to drink.

CAPRICORN: Pursue your dreams this week and buy a hatchback. Or, failing that, a hunchback. Eat buttered scones for tea.

AQUARIUS: Get reacquainted with a past love this week. Bring drill bits. Find your happiness in a remove village in Guatemala.

PISCES: Collect sunflower seeds. You never know when you'll find a rare one. People have been talking about you behind your back, calling you 'discussion-worthy'.


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