Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your Week 28 December 2009 - 3 January 2010

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

28 DECEMBER 2009 - 3 JANUARY 2010

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ARIES: This is a good week for hoarding rusted car parts. Life is nothing at all like a bowl of cherries. For starters, life is not ceramic. 2010 will eerily resemble 1998. Only with more vampires.

TAURUS: Imagine life like a game of Operation: not for the weak of heart or shaky of hand, and ultimately just a bunch of tiny pieces of white plastic and lame puns. Not everything tastes better with cranberries. Stop being such a wimp in 2010.

GEMINI: Put some Cap'n Crunch in your hair this week. Ignore any black men you might hear repeatedly screaming the name “Walt”. For you and your cousins, 2010 is the year of the pomegranate.

CANCER: Fireflies will communicate with you in Morse code. Don't drink anything yellow or crimson in colour this week. You will come to remember the upcoming year as “2010: the revenge of the goats.”

LEO: The ghost of Angela Lansbury will haunt you, solving crimes while you're trying to get some sleep. You'll need to have those trousers dry-cleaned by next Friday – trust me. Some guy named Brian will die a horrible flaming death in 2010.

VIRGO: This week, the Swiss authorities will turn you over to the Americans for an outstanding warrant for having relations with a minor decades ago. Don't buy the Sea Monkeys. Use the money to buy the X-ray specs instead. This year will rock your world.

LIBRA: Don't paint your body blue, whatever you do. Clone yourself this week. You'll be happy you did. 2010 will bring you many leotards.

SCORPIO: You feel as if your life is moving forward as if by design, whereas it's actually moving in a leftward direction. Remember: 'waterboarding' is not the fun beach activity its name implies. You will gain four pounds and a pet Pomeranian in the year 2010.

SAGITTARIUS: Wash your windows in three-part harmony. Your parents didn't really sell your pet dog to a farmer, though they did in fact sell your grandmother to one. You will be crowned leader of a small, forgotten country in 2010, but you will be deposed violently in 2011.

CAPRICORN: If you plane crashes in the Andes, eat your enemies first and your friends last. Stop putting so much salt in your socks. 2010 will bring you plenty of fun diseases.

AQUARIUS: This week, you'll be stumped on a six-letter word in the newspaper's crossword puzzle. The correct answer will be “bovine”. Please only use cinnamon where appropriate. In 2010, people will start calling you “Switchblade”.

PISCES: Celebrate your birthday this week. Confuse people. Yogourt might be good for your skin, but it's bad for your soul. You'll find your soul mate fossilised in a piece of granite in 2010.

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