Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 11 - 17 January 2010

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

11 - 17 JANUARY 2010

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ARIES: This week, a Roman emperor will give you thumbs up. However, he will only be trying to hitch a ride. Hoard goat cheese.

TAURUS: Watching “The Wizard of Oz”, you will be scandalised to discover that, despite the kids' rhyme, the ladies do in fact wear bras. Try keeping your face in a jar by the door.

GEMINI: This is a good week to find your true love in the maternity wing of the hospital. Always look on the bright side of fluorescent bulbs.

CANCER: Avoid the letter 'w' this week. Donate your housepet to a worthy cause.

LEO: You are a naturally cantakerous person, proud to have a vocabulary rich enough to know what words like 'cantankerous' mean. Wear padded shoulders.

VIRGO: This week, you will run with scissors. Model underwear in the comfort of your own living room.

LIBRA: Increasingly, you have been getting drunk on power. This week, try getting drunk on Tanqueray instead. Choose your friends like you'd choose your dish detergent.

SCORPIO: This week you will build an 828m tower, bringing your small country to the brink of bankruptcy in the process. Learn Chinese, or at least learn Chinese checkers.

SAGITTARIUS: Don't bite off more than you can chew, unless you have a friend willing to help you with the chewing. Spike the fountain of youth with vodka.

CAPRICORN: Remember to eat your vegetables. This week, a whirlwind romance will end in a whirlpool.

AQUARIUS: This week, you will buy new shoes. Try not to make your old shoes jealous. For God's sake, think of the Ukrainians.

PISCES: Sing a song of sixpence, plus VAT. Remember that life is like a cell phone: impossible to buy a replacement battery for, and obsolete before you've even figured out how to use it properly.

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