Sunday, January 31, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 1 - 7 February 2010

1 - 7 FEBRUARY 2010


ARIES: Don't mistake an inferiority complex for the mere fact of being inferior: call it inferiority simplex. Reveal your inner beauty to the world this week, but be on the lookout for police.

TAURUS: The powers that be will declare a holiday in your honour. Paint your walls with pictures of Charlie Chaplin that seem three-dimensional. Call it 'The Little Trompe L'Oeil'.

GEMINI: This week, your blood sugar level will go up, but your blood aspartame level will go down. You will soon realise that you should have listened to your mother more often.

CANCER: Chartreuse is your colour this week. Don't build mountains out of molehills, unless you have gargantuan moles to house.

LEO: This week, you will star in a movie with Orlando Bloom. Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and a bottle of Alka-Seltzer closest.

VIRGO: At the moment, all signs lead either to a disastrous calamity in your personal life or to the nearest highway. Check your GPS. Keep old contacts and traditions by sacrificing an animal to a long-forgotten deity.

LIBRA: You find yourself increasingly annoyed by the vapidity of modern music and long for the golden days, when a song could have an entire chorus built around the word 'lollipop' and the noise made when you pull your finger out of your mouth. Store acorns in a tree trunk.

SCORPIO: This week, you will enter a Mobius loop and repeat this week endlessly, like the movie “Groundhog Day”. Don't take the opportunity to test the effectiveness of the sneeze guard at the local salad bar.

SAGITTARIUS: Look before you reap what you sow. Combine your love of fishing and your love of geometry to become an isosceles angler.

CAPRICORN: This week, you will be arrested for attempting to corrupt a miner forty-niner and his daughter, Clementine. If you are thinking of selling your soul, consider the local flea market. Or hold a raffle.

AQUARIUS: This week, you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack. In polite company, you will be embarrassed to find that you have accidentally let slip a four letter word. The word will be 'plum'.

PISCES: This week, fight for your right to party. Your road is long with many a winding turn, as is your life line. Unfortunately, so is your spine. See a doctor.


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