Sunday, January 24, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 25 - 31 January 2010

25 - 31 JANUARY 2010


ARIES: You've got to get out there and live a liitle. Or, if possible, live the better part of a century. Petition to make Skee-Ball an Olympic sport.

TAURUS: You can never cook too much chili. This week, you will find Nemo, but you will lose Private Ryan.

GEMINI: You will recieve a message from a long-lost friend in semaphore. Hold the Belgians responsible for your misfortunes.

CANCER: Invite your neighbours over to play Othello. Or, if they prefer, to play “The Taming of the Shrew”. Beneath your thick-skinned exterior beats the heart of a kind, loving person. Beneath your floorboards as well.

LEO: You've got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, and know whether to fold them into the shape of a swan or a jumping frog. In choosing which muffin to purchase, remember that society values brains over bran.

VIRGO: History repeats itself: first as comedy, then as a direct-to-DVD action/thriller starring Jet Li. Play castanets. Non-stop.

LIBRA: This week, you will recieve an unexpected phone call from a mysterious stranger who will later turn out to be Sean 'Diddy' Combs. Now is a good time to cover your body with greasepaint and go to live in the jungle.

SCORPIO: Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of the party, especially Tom Cruise. Wear leotards and a cape.

SAGITTARIUS: The Lord regrets to inform you that, due to budgeting constraints, He will be unable to buy you a Mercedez Benz and recommends one of those new Tata Nanos in its place. An entire microscopic civilisation is living in your linen closet.

CAPRICORN: This week, you will read a horoscope telling you what you will do this week. Don't talk with your mouth full. If using sign language, don't talk with your hands full.

AQUARIUS: Your love line is longer than your entire hand, which makes buying gloves difficult. Consider writing your name entirely in lower case.

PISCES: While choosing a Garden of Eden costume to wear, you will be embarrassed to discover that what you require is not a fig leaf but a Fig Newton. Use seahorses to play water polo.


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