Sunday, January 24, 2010
HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL
25 - 31 JANUARY 2010
ARIES: You've got to get out there and live a liitle. Or, if possible, live the better part of a century. Petition to make Skee-Ball an Olympic sport.
TAURUS: You can never cook too much chili. This week, you will find Nemo, but you will lose Private Ryan.
GEMINI: You will recieve a message from a long-lost friend in semaphore. Hold the Belgians responsible for your misfortunes.
CANCER: Invite your neighbours over to play Othello. Or, if they prefer, to play “The Taming of the Shrew”. Beneath your thick-skinned exterior beats the heart of a kind, loving person. Beneath your floorboards as well.
LEO: You've got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, and know whether to fold them into the shape of a swan or a jumping frog. In choosing which muffin to purchase, remember that society values brains over bran.
VIRGO: History repeats itself: first as comedy, then as a direct-to-DVD action/thriller starring Jet Li. Play castanets. Non-stop.
LIBRA: This week, you will recieve an unexpected phone call from a mysterious stranger who will later turn out to be Sean 'Diddy' Combs. Now is a good time to cover your body with greasepaint and go to live in the jungle.
SCORPIO: Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of the party, especially Tom Cruise. Wear leotards and a cape.
SAGITTARIUS: The Lord regrets to inform you that, due to budgeting constraints, He will be unable to buy you a Mercedez Benz and recommends one of those new Tata Nanos in its place. An entire microscopic civilisation is living in your linen closet.
CAPRICORN: This week, you will read a horoscope telling you what you will do this week. Don't talk with your mouth full. If using sign language, don't talk with your hands full.
AQUARIUS: Your love line is longer than your entire hand, which makes buying gloves difficult. Consider writing your name entirely in lower case.
PISCES: While choosing a Garden of Eden costume to wear, you will be embarrassed to discover that what you require is not a fig leaf but a Fig Newton. Use seahorses to play water polo.
Posted by Bungle Jerry at 12:00 PM