Sunday, November 29, 2009

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 30 November - 6 December 2009



ARIES: A fool and his monkey are soon parted.

TAURUS: This week, a cockroach in your apartment will wake up and discover it has turned into a tiny human. It will, however, get stuck in, and die in, a roach trap.

GEMINI: This week, you will be unable to believe it's not butter.

CANCER: Beware of the handshake that hides a snake. Especially a poisonous snake.

LEO: This week, you will be subjected to a house remix. You will suddenly find that you're a hit in Croatia.

VIRGO: You will discover that you are red-blue colourblind this week: this will leave you unable to discuss American politics.

LIBRA: You'll have to keep taking that ointment for the next two weeks.

SCORPIO: You will wake up one morning this week with a complete stranger in your bed. However, the complete stranger will be in the process of giving you an entirely unsexy blood transfusion.

SAGITTARIUS: This week, you will discover that you have a sixth finger on your left hand. This will explain years of difficulty with simple arithmetic.

CAPRICORN: Time to stop sleeping with a crowbar in your pyjamas.

AQUARIUS: You'll never find true love by Googling “true love”.

PISCES: 2.Your evil twin will wake from a 5-year coma this week, return to town and romance your partner.


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