Sunday, December 6, 2009

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 7 - 13 December 2009

7 - 13 DECEMBER 2009


ARIES: This week, the world is your oyster. Meaning you're likely to contract septicemia from it. Consider donating your sister to charity.

TAURUS: This week, your parents will write embarrassing things on your Facebook wall. Stop talking about using your elbow grease and just wash your arms already.

GEMINI: This week, you'll be April fresh and clean as a whistle. Plus you'll be soft as a baby's bottom. Do a little dance, make a little love and get down tonight.

CANCER: Get your hair permed; your square roots are showing. Don't be taken in by all those discussions of the dangers of fast food: your weight gain is the will of God.

LEO: This week, avoid the letter 'k'. If you're looking for a change of pace, make a homemade “Plinko” board like on “The Price is Right”.

VIRGO: This week, you will experience nightmares involving Sarah Palin. Remember that dreams are only in your head. If you ever feel the urge to glue your hands to your feet, just think of your Uncle Leroy.

LIBRA: You will never be welcome at that bistro again. Stop comparing yourself to Herb Tarlek from WKRP in Cincinnati: nobody is convinced.

SCORPIO: There isn't enough corn in the world to keep a person like you happy. When times are rough, you can always take a small child hostage.

SAGITTARIUS: That thing that's following you? It's not your shadow. This week, you will decide to abandon the childhood nicknames you had for your various body parts.

CAPRICORN: This week, you will learn of the existence of the number '14'. That window of opportunity you've been searching for will be shattered by some punk kid with a baseball bat.

AQUARIUS: You've been dancing the 'robot' far too long. Try to integrate more steps into your dance moves. Don't drive trucks after 7:00 or speak to opossums.

PISCES: Not everyone who calls themselves “Dracula” really is. This week, you will discover entirely new ways to stop the itching.


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