Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 23 - 29 November 2009

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

23 - 29 NOVEMBER 2009

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ARIES: This week, you will discover you have the ability to talk to animals; it's merely that they are unable to understand what you are saying.

TAURUS: Haven't you ever wondered why there's never a good plumber when you need one?

GEMINI: This week, your secret identity will be revealed – but only during a late-night infomercial featuring the Shamwow / Slap-Chop guy.

CANCER: You will get a visit from an old friend this week who will enquire why you don't have any young friends.

LEO: The best things in life have Velcro on them.

VIRGO: This week you will discover to your shock and dismay that people don't, in fact, wish their girlfriends were hot like you.

LIBRA: You and your microwave oven will have a falling-out.

SCORPIO: You will finally find that sock you lost four years ago. This will leave you weeping tears of joy.

SAGITTARIUS: This week, you will discover a previously-unknown planet circling a neighbouring star. You will be nominated for a Nobel Prize but will lose to Paris Hilton.

CAPRICORN: You will be bitten by a radioactive spider and develop a superpower, but the power will only allow you to be more successful at “Magic: the Gathering”.

AQUARIUS: This week, you will father a set of children with a woman with strange hair named Kate. This prediction holds regardless of your gender.

PISCES: If wishes were horses, they'd leave wish droppings all over the place.

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