Sunday, August 1, 2010
HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL
2 - 8 AUGUST 2010
ARIES: Sing a song of sixpence, plus VAT. Remember that life is like a cell phone: impossible to buy a replacement battery for, and obsolete before you've even figured out how to use it properly.
TAURUS: This week, a Roman emperor will give you thumbs up. However, he will only be trying to hitch a ride. Hoard goat cheese.
GEMINI: Watching “The Wizard of Oz”, you will be scandalised to discover that, despite the kids' rhyme, the ladies do in fact wear bras. Try keeping your face in a jar by the door.
CANCER: This is a good week to find your true love in the maternity wing of the hospital. Always look on the bright side of fluorescent bulbs.
LEO: Avoid the letter 'w' this week. Donate your housepet to a worthy cause.
VIRGO: You are a naturally cantakerous person, proud to have a vocabulary rich enough to know what words like 'cantankerous' mean. Wear padded shoulders.
LIBRA: This week, you will run with scissors. Model underwear in the comfort of your own living room.
SCORPIO: Increasingly, you have been getting drunk on power. This week, try getting drunk on Tanqueray instead. Choose your friends like you'd choose your dish detergent.
SAGITTARIUS: This week you will build an 828m tower, bringing your small country to the brink of bankruptcy in the process. Learn Chinese, or at least learn Chinese checkers.
CAPRICORN: Don't bite off more than you can chew, unless you have a friend willing to help you with the chewing. Spike the fountain of youth with vodka.
AQUARIUS: Remember to eat your vegetables. This week, a whirlwind romance will end in a whirlpool.
PISCES: This week, you will buy new shoes. Try not to make your old shoes jealous. For God's sake, think of the Ukrainians.