Sunday, August 8, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 9 - 15 August 2010

9 - 15 AUGUST 2010


ARIES: What you thought were close personal ties will turn out to be polyester and shrink in the wash. Waddle as much as possible.

TAURUS: Baby bok choi holds all the answers. What at first seems like success will later turn out to be a crushing defeat that will make you a pariah for years to come.

GEMINI: Now is the time to realise your ambition to write a Broadway musical about the life of Mary Lou Retton. Go to the barber this week, but not for a bloodletting.

CANCER: Seek your destiny in 80s new wave music. In most social circles, floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee is considered poor table manners.

LEO: Love will keep you together, but in addition, love will tear you apart. It's complicated. Change your pet's name to Pablo.

VIRGO: Shoe polish is really, honestly only used to polish shoes. You will discover a new island in the Pacific Ocean and earn millions selling bird droppings and internet domain space to the world.

LIBRA: It's easier to admit defeat than it is to admit to sticking pencil lead up your nose when you were in grade two. Flee the flea market.

SCORPIO: Now is the time to test whether or not eating apple seeds will really make an apple tree grow in your stomach. Spend some valuable time this week avoiding the police.

SAGITTARIUS: It's time to start facing facts, instead of standing with your back to them. Avoid Libras like the plague this week.

CAPRICORN: If opportunity comes knocking, lock your door and pretend you're not home. Do unto others as you would have David Hasselhoff do unto you.

AQUARIUS: Invent a new language this week and use it to write epic love poems. Don't follow lederhosen or watch parking meters.

PISCES: This week, you will be unlucky in love but lucky in Battleship. Dreams of cottage cheese could represent new personal fortunes, or a tendency to vote Republican.


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