Sunday, August 15, 2010
HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL
16 - 22 AUGUST 2010
ARIES: This week, you will discover a new way to wash your hands so early in the morning. If your dog begins speaking this week, follow its advice.
TAURUS: You will find a recipe for disaster while looking for a recipe for angel's food cake. Talk with a lisp this week.
GEMINI: Don't be fooled by a girl offering to hold a football for you to practise kicking, especially if that same girl otherwise offers psychiatric advice. Forego pants whenever possible.
CANCER: Dreams of dancing microwave ovens might mean a visit from an old school bus driver. Discover a fun new food allergy.
LEO: This week, Firefox will prevent your enemies from opening a pop-up window. Thank it. Get a tattoo of Ross Perot on your elbow.
VIRGO: Sacrifice a Virgo this week to the volcano gods. Catch wily rabbits by singing Wagner.
LIBRA: There's never been a Sesame Street character who knows your inner soul like Snuffleupagus. Live in the 1950s this week. Wear pearls at the dinner table.
SCORPIO: This is a good week for love, in particular for love of dairy products. Use your sense of right and wrong this week to manipulate someone into evildoing on your behalf.
SAGITTARIUS: The hospital is no place to show hospitality: try your living room instead. Start naming your friends after vegetables.
CAPRICORN: Click your heels together as much as you like but you'll never get to Kansas unless you drive there. Consider the relative dangers of the Blackberry and the acai berry.
AQUARIUS: Swearing like a sailor will make you seem sexier this week. You should socialise only with people who keep Chia pets.
PISCES: Get more iron in your diet, ironing in your chores and irony in your sense of humour. Good fortune awaits you at the bottom of the Lucky Charms box.