Sunday, August 22, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 23 - 29 August 2010

23 - 29 AUGUST 2010
ARIES: Your soul is a bagpiper playing "Scotland the Brave" ten times an hour. A lonely evening at home will not be improved by pay-per-view porn.

TAURUS: Red Bull gives you wings, but they're honey garlic wings. And who wants them? Instead of spilling a trusted confidante's secrets, try spilling some salad dressing on your tie instead.

GEMINI: You can dance. You can jive. But all signs show that this week you won't be having the time of your life. Share secrets with a friend, but not with a megaphone.

CANCER: Blood is thicker than water, but thinner than chocolate pudding. Meet a special someone this week in an unlit alley after dark.

LEO: Your star sign is an anagram for 'olé!', proving you were destined for a life as a flamenco dancer. Happiness is just a hepatitis inoculation away.

VIRGO: As attractive as the sun clearly is, don't forget the moon needs some loving too. This is a good week for buying cars. And also for playing cards and for consuming carbs.

LIBRA: This is a good week to eat, drink and be merry, although not the kind that has a little lamb. Kids these days don't say 'bad' to mean 'good' anymore, so that comment was a genuine criticism of your chicken cacciatore.

SCORPIO: You're feeling positively breezy this week, which could turn to gale force winds by Thursday. Glow worms are rarely found inside glow apples.

SAGITTARIUS: 'Love' is just a four-letter word, but so is 'okra'. Come to think of it, I'd rather you didn't drink my liquor from an old fruit jar either.

CAPRICORN: This is a good week to publish your memoirs, or at least to spend time thinking about how silly the word 'memoir' is. Compose a raga for sitar and sarod this week.

AQUARIUS: This week, you will be plagued by ennui, angst and other five-letter foreign words. Change your name to an unpronounceable symbol.

PISCES: The moon is in Scorpio this week, causing old women on your street to get anxious about Roto-Rooters. When was the last time you really stuck your neck out for the vampires in your life?

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