Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 26 July - 1 August 2010

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

26 JULY - 1 AUGUST 2010

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ARIES: He who lives by the river dies by the river. All that office talk around the water cooler would be much more exciting if it were held around a Slurpee machine.

TAURUS: Don't be afraid to ask for advice, or to ask for a cup of sugar. All of this pent-up rage and frustration is going to need an outlet, and Skee-ball might not suffice.

GEMINI: It might be time to put down some roots, or to put some root vegetables in your salad. This week you'll finally remember what happened that night you woke up in a farmer's field in Spokane with a girl named Daisy.

CANCER: If you ever plan to motor west, forget about it. Just fly to Cancun instead. Not everything needs ketchup.

LEO: If you're shopping for a car this week, check the hubcaps. And check if it's got that glowy light under the chassis. That's just rad. There are good corn flakes and evil corn flakes.

VIRGO: The rumours about you are true. Don't tell anyone. No octopus can predict which battles you'll win and lose this week.

LIBRA: You've got that certain something, baby, that make people want to call the cops. When a problem comes along, you may resort to other measures besides whipping it.

SCORPIO: Take up a new hobby this week, like spying on the hottie across the street with a telescope. Nobody else has shoes that nice.

SAGITTARIUS: Over the next twelve months, you might see big changes in your life, but it probably just means your vision is getting worse. Waterfowl look up to you.

CAPRICORN: The moon will be entering your second house this week, unless you've changed the locks. By this time next year, you'll be in clover. Hope you're not allergic.

AQUARIUS: Children should be seen and not smelt. They might start looking for weapons of mass destruction in your backyard. Stay calm.

PISCES: You might have to spend a little money this week. Life-sized posters of the Jonas Brothers are highly recommended. Celebrate your sobriety with a fine champagne or eight.

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