Sunday, July 4, 2010
HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL
5-11 JULY 2010
ARIES: While happiness is a warm gun, sadness is a warm beer. This week you will find yourself touching a complete stranger's heart. Or naughty bits.
TAURUS: Love is like a thick gelatinous stew: those things might possibly be okra. Loneliness will strike you this week, perhaps leaving a bruise.
GEMINI: This week, you may find your values severely tested. Sell them out at the drop of a hat. Don't attempt to do Mickey's monkey without express permission from Mickey.
CANCER: Your heart will whisper its deepest secrets to you this week. It's probably just talking nonsense. Humour it. You might have to suffer fools this week, but it's better than suffering succotash.
LEO: Your name will always be Gilgamesh to someone you love. If you look at life like a constant chain of struggles and hopes, your frineds will sneer at you behind your back.
VIRGO: Filibustering and gerrymandering are not just for politicians anymore. They're for aficionados of silly words from all walks of life. Hold the door open for someone this week. And next week, slam it in someone else's face.
LIBRA: Now is the time to clean out your closet, setting free any skeletons or gay people that might be in there. Go west, or more precisely go West North West.
SCORPIO: Don't aspire to be Wally if everyone sees you as the Beaver, no matter what you do. You know those wall calendars with pictures of unicorns in them? Aren't those cool?
SAGITTARIUS: Find your happiness this week. It might be stuck under the seat cushions. Metaphorically, your heart is like a Slap Chop and your genitals are like Cherry Garcia ice cream.
CAPRICORN: A weight will be lifted from your shoulders this week. Additionally, you will be beheaded. Explore new pasta shapes.
AQUARIUS: Your heart is like those pictures of nebulae and constellations you can find on NASA's website. Wednesday is a good day to eat brie.
PISCES: When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high and wear a raincoat, for God's sake. Work life might hold some exciting new prospects. But for some other person, not you.