Sunday, July 18, 2010
HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL
19-25 JULY 2010
ARIES: Did I ever tell you you're my hero? I was probably drunk. Don't let a sex scandal interfere with your love life.
TAURUS: Arguments this week will end in tears, not to mention blood and sweat. If you feel that you've been spending too much time with the ghosts of your past, try to meet some of the ghosts of your neighbour's past instead.
GEMINI: People are going to size you up this week. Use a Thighmaster. The leaves in the trees are whispering to you and only you.
CANCER: Extra money is burning a hole in your pocket, which is going to hurt your legs considerably. Put on the charm for a new acquaintance this week, or if you can, put on a charm bracelet.
LEO: That holiday you've been dreaming of? It's going to rain. You'll never get a gold medal if you don't get cracking at that alchemy project.
VIRGO: He who pays the piper calls the tune, but he who pays the ferryman invokes Chris DeBurgh's wrath. You might find true love behind the liquor store.
LIBRA: A chance meeting with a stranger will set sparks flying. If you're not careful, a small brush fire may erupt. Unleash your inner werewolf this week.
SCORPIO: If you can't keep your life together, at least keep your shoelaces tied. Make sure that pressing obligation is not pressing on your lumbar region.
SAGITTARIUS: Your sex life will come crashing through the floor. It'll be tough to explain to the landlord. Ask yourself what Jesus would do. Or failing that, what Rumplestiltskin would do.
CAPRICORN: Thundercats are go, and you can be too. The stars are telling you to change your name. Consider “Tia”.
AQUARIUS: Stop blogging about your underarm deodorant. You might need to take a leap of faith this week, but please look before you leap.
PISCES: Shake up your social life a little bit. Spend some time with some wallabies. Just because you're a fish doesn't mean you have to be a wet fish.