Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 28 June - 4 July 2010

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

28 JUNE - 4 JULY 2010

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ARIES: Efficiency at work this week will bring you absolutely no recognition whatsoever. Your status will be upgraded from Ringo to Paul this week. Aim for George!

TAURUS: If you want to defuse that ticking time bomb in your head, cut the red wire. No, wait: the blue one. Never take driving lessons from a man with an eye patch and a parrot on his shoulder.

GEMINI: You are at a fork in the road. Or maybe it's a spork. You will need to prove yourself this week; use a mathematical proof.

CANCER: Make friends this week with a Taurus, and celebrate your new-found friendship by publically demeaning a Capricorn. Decorate your house with those little umbrellas they put in mai-tais.

LEO: The ability to recite entire scenes verbatim from "Caddyshack" is rarely a job requirement, sad to say. What you need is a fat, funky bassline. And a go-go beat.

VIRGO: If you're looking for a new way to make friends, try holding hostages. It might work. You might discover that the wheels on the bus go round and round only through certain parts of the town.

LIBRA: The week you've been waiting for all these years has finally arrived! Now, if you could only remember why you were waiting for it. Carve your own path this week. Or whittle one.

SCORPIO: Metaphorically, you are a grain of sand in a giant lava lamp riding a white donkey and playing a vuvuzela. Speak on the pompatus of love this week, whatever people call you.

SAGITTARIUS: You will be engulfed in waves of negative energy. It might make your hair stand on end. Stop trying to live in the now, and start living in the fifteen-seconds-ago.

CAPRICORN: This week, Mercury and Mars will meet down at the pub for a few drinks. Join them. Forgive those who tresspass against you, even if they wrecked your flowers.

AQUARIUS: If you find yourself with too many fish to fry this week, consider baking some. Your intuition will be at an all-time high this week, but you already knew that.

PISCES: Take these broken wings and learn to fly again. Or cook them in a honey garlic sauce. Either way. If you find yourself swamped with unrealistic expectations, look for bulrushes.

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