Sunday, June 20, 2010
HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL
21 - 27 JUNE 2010
ARIES: Count your blessings this week, and do so in a fake Eastern European accent. It's time you stood on your own two feet instead of standing on other people's feet.
TAURUS: Make sure not to let your outlook on life go stale, or your baguette. Living is easy with eyes closed, but you tend to bump into things.
GEMINI: Instead of air guitar, play air bagpipes this week. The ability to speak Pig Latin does not make you a Pig Latino.
CANCER: Metaphorically, you are a lumberjack with a set of castanets singing love songs to an Algerian belly dancer. Your week will be dominated by mushrooms.
LEO: You can't spell 'happiness' without two p's and two s's. Birds roosting on your windowsill will give you perspective on your homelife.
VIRGO: The Pixies were not actual pixies, so exercise extreme caution with any dust given to you by Black Francis or Kim Deal. Don't be angry with the sun - it didn't mean to hurt you.
LIBRA: Lead us not into Temptation, or any other New Order song. Don't spread gossip or rumours this week, unless they're really, really juicy.
SCORPIO: If someone tells you you have fire in your eyes, put it out before it melts your brain. You can't go bobbing for apples just anywhere.
SAGITTARIUS: This week, you will discover that 'Sagittarius' is a tough word to spell. People will love and respect you if you wear a monacle.
CAPRICORN: You'll have to cut corners this week, like on your coffee table. It's high time you accepted that Frankie Goes to Hollywood are just never coming back.
AQUARIUS: This week, talk into electric fans every chance you get. Ask yourself why your mother never named you "Julio." Or, alternately, why she did.
PISCES: Nothing says "I love you" like a set of vocal chords, a tongue and lips. It turns out that Little Miss can most certainly be wrong on occasion.