Sunday, June 13, 2010
HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL
14 - 20 JUNE 2010
ARIES: An old name from bygone days will set off warning bells in your head. Ask a doctor to remove them, as rust can cause health risks. And the noise makes sleeping difficult. Be on the lookout this week for dogs playing poker.
TAURUS: Those people you've friended on Facebook are actually CIA spies. Be very careful. Don't forget the sock puppets.
GEMINI: Your love can move mountains, but probably shouldn't. A new moon on Monday may cause firedances through the night. Resist the urge to spend the cold day with a lonely satellite.
CANCER: If you were Pac-Man, this would be a good week to eat lots of white pellets. Stop looking for love in the neighbourhod nursing home.
LEO: If someone calls you a yahoo, it's not in reference to your ability to find things on the internet. Put transfers of popular Disney characters on your windows.
VIRGO: Stained glass usually isn't made with grass stains. Your sense of duty and obligation to your society will make others laugh.
LIBRA: Treat your teeth with the utmost love and affection: they'll reward you in ways you can't even guess. Your creativity is on an upswing this week. Express yourself in the medium of macaroni art.
SCORPIO: You will find yourself dreaming this week of Joe Pesci. If he is wearing a Speedo, interpret this to mean you will break a valuable statuette. Be careful. Grow mutton-chops. Especially if you're female.
SAGITTARIUS: You always hurt the ones you love, which makes boxing matches that much more homoerotic. Sometimes, you hurt people you detest, too. Look to seahorses for advice this week.
CAPRICORN: You should try to keep a low profile, because the shape of your nose just isn't flattering. Telephone someone at random. Invite them over for tea.
AQUARIUS: This week you might find yourself having to suck up to your boss this week. A Hoover vacuum cleaner might help. If there's a hole in your bucket, you should sing a jaunty song about it.
PISCES: You'll be at your absolute best between 5:00 and 5:30 on Wednesday afternoon. Hope you're not stuck in traffic then. When roosters crow, they're actually gossipping about you.