Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 5 - 11 April 2010

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

5 - 11 APRIL 2010

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ARIES: This week a baker's man will bake you a cake as fast as he can. Don't rely on FedEx to deliver you from evil.

TAURUS: This is a good week to say, “I was born on a pirate's ship” while pulling your mouth as wide as you can. Play dogdeball to your heart's content.

GEMINI: Count on a Pisces or a Libra to mess everything up again. Expect a phone call from Fatboy Slim looking for new ways to reinvigorate his career.

CANCER: Metaphorically speaking, you live in the ashes of a nightingale's Christmas tree lights. If they made a bronze statue of you on a horse, that'd be completely awesome.

LEO: This is your week for pickling exotic vegetables. You're never going to survive unless you get a little crazy, and unless you start taking those pills the doctor prescribed.

VIRGO: If you trust yourself enough, you'll be willing to loan yourself money at a low interest rate. This week, party like it's 1999, or at least 1972.

LIBRA: Seek out new and exciting characters on your computer's keyboard. Those aren't hellhounds on your trail – merely dachshunds.

SCORPIO: Wear pink this week, or at least listen to P!nk. If you're trying to seek your heart's desire, it might be at the bottom of the cereal box.

SAGITTARIUS: If you have a breastplate, you should get breast forks and breast knives. Your absolute mastery of Hungry Hungry Hippos will get you far in life.

CAPRICORN: Though wild horses could not drag you away, the police can, and will, drag you away from the horses. If you wake up naked in a city park with a henna tattoo on your cheek, it's probably best to keep it a secret.

AQUARIUS: Just remember: there are other fish in the sea. Even if their stocks are depleting. Wear tweed underpants.

PISCES: Wear fruit on your head, like Carmen Miranda. Though your bank account might be overdrawn, the picture on your fridge is drawn just enough.

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