Sunday, March 28, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 29 March - 4 April 2010

29 MARCH - 4 APRIL 2010


ARIES: Although you may seem to have lost weight recently, you have in fact merely misplaced it. Metaphorically speaking, you are a seahorse with a machete in its mouth.

TAURUS: Walk with your head held high, unless it's too sunny. Avoid, or rather don't use, diphthongs this week.

GEMINI: Flying monkeys will invade your house this week. You might find yourself on the cover of Vanity Fair.

CANCER: Go on a Diet of Worms this week. You will never be as popular as any number of cats with videos on Youtube.

LEO: Learn to play the ocarina this week. It will lead to an illustrious career as a video game character. Wear black, or at least wear a sign with the word 'black' written on it.

VIRGO: Not only weasels go pop. This week, you will learn how to properly seal a Zip-Loc bag.

LIBRA: Although the police will frame you this week for a crime you did not commit, Jessica Fletcher will reveal the true criminal, thus exonerating you. A nice gold lamé suit would look smashing on you this week.

SCORPIO: Don't get caught with your pants down. Wear them as high as possible, like your grandfather. Buy the one you love some tomatoes.

SAGITTARIUS: This week you will find new dimensions arising within you. Call your doctor immediately. A horrible, ghastly future awaits you. Well, either you or Sally Weinberg of Mesa, Arizona.

CAPRICORN: Use the mildest of euphemisms for swear words this week. Consider 'heck' and 'fudge.' Join the Rod Stewart fan club.

AQUARIUS: Ramen noodles will provide the answers you seek. Are you going to take gardening advice from just anyone?

PISCES: You will find almonds particularly tasty this week. Now is the time to make your dreams about Xena the Warrior Princess come true.


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