Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 12 - 18 April 2010

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

12 - 18 APRIL 2010

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ARIES: Use your self-confidence and your natural charisma this week to rob people for all they're worth. Voices in your head will tell you to stop listening to voices in your head.

TAURUS: Sprout wings and learn to fly this week. Literally, not metaphorically. Venus is rising, and so is Mr. Mojo.

GEMINI: Elephants are waiting for you. A long-lost love will approach you and attempt to break your arm.

CANCER: If you turn invisible, remember not to overlook your dental hygiene. You'd have to be out of your mind to take seriously anything a Sagittarius tells you. Seriously – have you seen the clothes they wear?

LEO: This week, the weather will be cloudy with light showers and fifteen degrees. Under no circumstances should you even attempt to walk like an Egyptian.

VIRGO: Get saucy, baby. All the soap in the world will still leave you feeling dirty. Use some water as well.

LIBRA: The magic word is 'corduroy'. Some time in the near future, you will walk down enough roads to, at long last, be called a man.

SCORPIO: Remember: don't shoot until you see the whites of their eggs. You might want to stop calling your loved one 'Donkey Kong'.

SAGITTARIUS: This week, you might fall down and break your crown. Your future holds a variety of velvet paintings of Elvis Presley and poker-playing dogs.

CAPRICORN: Vivid dreams about 'Family Feud' are a harbinger of dandruff problems. If you meet someone named Lloyd, call the police.

AQUARIUS: Stop using sex as a weapon. Use mace instead. You're feeling awfully chipper this week – so much so in fact that you break wood into small pieces.

PISCES: Stop trying to live up to your neighbours' standards, and stop trying to videotape them through your bedroom window. If love leaves you weak at the knees, don't bench press with your knees.

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