Sunday, April 18, 2010
HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL
19 - 25 APRIL 2010
ARIES: This week, you'll meet the man of your dreams: Freddy Kreuger. Stop with the chicken soup for your soul. Your soul is vegetarian.
TAURUS: Being a Taurus will start to seem kind of cool again, after many years of being a social pariah. If you ignore your bad luck, maybe it'll go away.
GEMINI: Regrets? You've had a few. But then again, too few to mention. Still water runs deep, but sparkling water is quite shallow.
CANCER: You have an unstoppable sexual magnetism, meaning people with metal plates in their heads are sexually attracted to you. Eat oysters this week.
LEO: This is the star sign for people with delusions of grandeur. Buy a throne. It's not the right time of the year to be singing Christmas carols.
VIRGO: Stop volunteering for cavity searches. The police already have their hands full, so to speak. You deserve good things in life. Pity you'll never get them.
LIBRA: It's all downhill from here, my dear. It's time to take the Backstreet Boys posters off your wall.
SCORPIO: A telephone number scribbled on a bathroom wall with a promise of a 'good time' might provide the very answers you're looking for. Procure a spear and magic helmet. Use them to do good in the world.
SAGITTARIUS: This is a good week to wear those sunglasses Kanye West always seems to be wearing. You are certain to find true love some time between now and the year 2035.
CAPRICORN: You are naughty by nature, which causes you to be down with O.P.P. I'd think twice before lending any Leos any money, if you know what I mean.
AQUARIUS: This week will come in like a thief at night and go out like a lion. Certain South American countries are crying for you. Please reassure them.
PISCES: If you choose to look on the bright side of life, it's best you put on some sunglasses first. Typographical errors provide insights into your soul.