Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 8 - 14 March 2010

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

8 - 14 MARCH 2010

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ARIES: If you have any wicked stepsisters, now is the time to attempt a dewicking. Teach a homeless child how to dance the lambada.

TAURUS: People may be laughing at you, but you'll get the last laugh. This is because you're slow to understand the punchline. Drink the nectar of the gods, or at least of apricots.

GEMINI: Try not to be governed by your emotions this week, or by the Conservative Party. Listen very carefully to what your soup is telling you. But ignore your porridge – it lies like a rug.

CANCER: Set your alarm clock to ring loudly and obnoxiously every time “Gilligan's Island” is shown on local TV. Grow radishes in the trunk of your car.

LEO: The proof is in the pudding, and so is salmonella. Make changes to your home. Get new wainscotting done. Learn what in God's name wainscotting is.

VIRGO: This week, you will fall in love with a cartoon character. Perhaps Bullwinkle. If you had eyes on the back of your head, a hall of mirrors would blow your mind.

LIBRA: Should auld acquaintances be forgot and never brought to mind? Of course not. That's just silly talk. Give yourself Brezhnev's eyebrows.

SCORPIO: This is the wrong week to get your tonsils removed, particularly if you've already had them removed. Dial the operator this week and shout song lyrics into the phone.

SAGITTARIUS: Wear stilts to work. You will find a shopping cart encrusted with seaweed at the bottom of a river or shallow lake. Treat it gently.

CAPRICORN: This week, you will discover, to your abject horror, who's been stealing your hubcaps all these years. Now is the time to redefine your relationship with calculus.

AQUARIUS: Play ping pong this week as if your life depended on it. Don't be afraid of giant marshmallow villians anymore.

PISCES: Metaphorically speaking, your future is like gum stuck to hot asphalt in the summer. Ignore Toucan Sam's advice and follow your spleen instead. It frequently knows.

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