Sunday, March 14, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 15 - 21 March 2010

15 - 21 MARCH 2010


ARIES: This week, expect a phone call from a Virgo with long eyelashes. This person will try to sell you a timeshare in the Florida Keys. Keep the door to your secret crypt carefully locked.

TAURUS: What you've always suspected to be true really is true: your ability to eat really hot food is indeed an expression of your masculinity. Regardless of your gender. If you've never danced with the devil in the pale moonlight, now might be a good chance to try.

GEMINI: Time to learn what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars. If you hold your nose, suddenly all TV shows taste the same.

CANCER: Now is the time to remember with bittersweet nostalgia British ski jumpers of years past. If you keep fish, they might test your patience this week. Don't give into their demands.

LEO: Follow intellectual pursuits this week, like bingo. Avoid Aquariuses this week, as they are liable to punch you in the stomach.

VIRGO: You may feel the temptation to live outside the law, but try not to live outside the police station. This week, you will discover several new things which are all finger-licking good.

LIBRA: While your horoscope might bring bad news, your colonoscope will bring better news. Follow your ambition to become a forklift driver.

SCORPIO: Remember those playful, careless days of your youth? Well, they're gone forever now. Get over it. Count sheep this week. If unavailable, count goats.

SAGITTARIUS: God would not punish you this week if you decided to build a really big tower. Chew with your mouth closed, but with your eyes open.

CAPRICORN: Buy a second-hand watch with a second hand this week. Nobody will rain on your parade this week, provided you hold your parade in the desert.

AQUARIUS: Your love life this week will be comparable to a kiwifruit: green and seedy on the inside, brown and fuzzy on the outside. This is a good week to play shuffleboard.

PISCES: This is a good week to wander aimlessly. Leave breadcrumbs in order to find your way back. If you push the right buttons, you can learn the cosines and square roots of various numbers.


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