Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 22 - 28 March 2010

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

22 - 28 MARCH 2010

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ARIES: Your life will get a two-star rating in the Michelin Guide. If someone offers to sell you letters of the alphabet, buy an 'o'.

TAURUS: If you act within the next half hour, you'll recieve a special gift at no extra cost. The FBI will open a case file for you this week in regards to possible communist sympathies.

GEMINI: Keep Glenn Close, but keep her enemies closer. Prepare yourself this week for a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Past, who is coming round to collect an old gambling debt.

CANCER: Invade a foreign country. Don't leave Charles in charge of your days or your nights.

LEO: Demand a recount of Alice the Camel's humps. Look for signs of impending doom or of acid reflux.

VIRGO: Now is a good time to eat your vegetables. Except turnips. No one likes that nasty stuff. You will find a long-lost 'lost-and-found' desk.

LIBRA: If a friend asks you out on a date this week, insist you go to a place that sells prunes. Spend energy this week instead of spending money. Cashiers won't mind.

SCORPIO: If your rooster crows earlier than normal, it might mean it's time to change your fabric softener. Watch out for leprechauns.

SAGITTARIUS: Dress up like Snow White this week. If knowing all the words to 'the Humpty Dance' is your main claim to fame, you might need to stretch your horizons.

CAPRICORN: This is a good week to cheat on your partner at cards. Don't sweat the small stuff. Sweat a mixture of water and dissolved solids instead.

AQUARIUS: This week, you will speak and Hollywood will listen. Domesticate a new species, like perhaps the lungfish.

PISCES: Now is the time for a deathbed conversion: your deathbed might make a lovely daybed instead. Don't believe everything you read on washroom walls.

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