Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 1 - 7 March 2010

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

1 - 7 MARCH 2010

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ARIES: Now is the time to apply the valuable life lessons you learnt while watching “Jake and the Fatman” all those years ago. Remember that all that glitters, or stars in the movie “Glitter”, is not gold.

TAURUS: Remember not to look a gift horse in the mouth, as gift horses are prone to nasty cases of halitosis. It's time to sell your Betamax videos of Cheech & Chong.

GEMINI: Try not to worry too much about the little things in life, like the life-threatening disease you're about to contract. Concentrate instead on simple pleasures like sunsets and polka music. This is a good week to post pictures of yourself on 4chan. You will become famous.

CANCER: You've been waltzing though life, when you should be fox-trotting instead. If you can fold a sheet of paper into the shape of a swan, you can rule the world.

LEO: The colour of your eyes will determine the severity of tomorrow's rush-hour traffic. Get down on your knees, but remember to wear knee guards.

VIRGO: Ride a train bound for glory this week, and this week alone. Earn valuable money this week by putting teeth under your pillow.

LIBRA: While it's tempting to believe that you would do anything for love, convince yourself that you won't do that. Spandex is a gift from God. Cherish it.

SCORPIO: Your dreams of becoming president of a small island republic are becoming less and less realistic each day, unless you get a move-on. That smell wafting from your neighbours' doors isn't really goulash.

SAGITTARIUS: Follow the stars this week, except Zac Efron. Lead that poor, helpless lad. Your entire life to date will be judged by Simon Cowell and found lacking.

CAPRICORN: This week, you will be haunted by a crippling inability to decide whether to pronounce 'caramel' with two syllables or one. Your life is not all a bit TV show like 'The Truman Show'. Think about it – who would watch you?

AQUARIUS: Try to be a little bit more like Burt Reynolds this week. Trade in your costly addiction to crack cocaine for a cheaper, though more fat-filled, addiction to Cracker Jacks.

PISCES: See your life as a swing set or teeter-totter, not as a slide. Unless it's one of those tube-shaped slides; those are pretty cool. This is the week to start embalming things in Mason jars.

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