Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 14 - 20 December 2009

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

14 - 20 DECEMBER 2009

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ARIES: Keep on hoping that Debbie Gibson and Tiffany will launch a successful comeback. Hope is the only thing some of us have. Now is the time to buy broccoli; there's a great deal down at the supermarket.

TAURUS: Maybe vodka just isn't your drink. Just because Timex says they 'take a licking and keep on ticking' doesn't mean you have to moisten your wristwatch with your tongue.

GEMINI: This week, you will look absolutely fabulous in a nice little lamé number from Milan. The cross that you bear makes bears very cross.

CANCER: A stranger will speak to you only in haiku. Answer in iambic pentameter. Think about the impression your comedy stylings are leaving on young minds.

LEO: Your obsession with My Little Pony will go public, leading to your humiliation. If a homeless man asks you for change this week, quote Jean-Paul Sartre to him.

VIRGO: Looking at a world map, you will be shocked to discover that 'Hootenanny' is not actually a country in Asia. May your life be as crunchy as your peanut butter.

LIBRA: In keeping with a centuries old tradition, this week your neighbours will break into your house and burn all of your wooden furniture. Please respect their ancient ways. Your little lamb has fleece which is only as white as, say, goat's milk.

SCORPIO: Stand up this week and loudly exclaim, “Your honour, I object” at every given opportunity. Mr. Clean will clean your house, but who will clean your soul?

SAGITTARIUS: This week, you will be arrested for spying on your nation during the Cold War in the 1950s. Try to forget about all those sheep.

CAPRICORN: Don't let your pelvis dominate conversation. The ghost of the man you shot and left for dead all those years ago will return to haunt you this week.

AQUARIUS: Put all of your trust this week in things that look like walnuts. Red Bull gives your pantyliners wings.

PISCES: It's time to get rid of that chimp on your shoulder. Just because Michael Jackson used to grab his crotch on the stage doesn't mean you should too.

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