Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 21 - 27 December 2009

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

21 - 27 DECEMBER 2009

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ARIES: This week, you will hold your breath until you turn blue. Try playing matchmaker to two friends this week who smoke but don't have any lighters.

TAURUS: Hope, in addition to a goose, is the thing with feathers. Be careful how much riboflavin you consume.

GEMINI: Everyone can see that it's a toupee. Do not presume that friends shaking hands saying, “How do you do?” are really saying, “I love you.”

CANCER: Vacuuming your carpet will lead to new and unexpected ponderings on the nature of life. Consider donating your tonsils to the needy.

LEO: Tonight, you will recieve a visit from last night's tuna casserole. A kind stranger will cheat while playing Parcheesi. Call the police immediately.

VIRGO: Although love is a drug, it won't cure your hemorrhoids. Join in conversations with strangers on the bus today, randomly saying, “I'm sorry but I completely disagree.”

LIBRA: This is not a good week to consider purchasing the mortal remains of the Elephant Man. Become vegetarian in your dating habits.

SCORPIO: This week, you will recieve a mysterious package from a stranger. It will contain anthrax. If you receive a vision of Tom Cruise wearing stiletto heels, call your chiropractor.

SAGITTARIUS: This week, try to avoid confrontations with deposed military dictators. Seek your own personal truth in LOLcats.

CAPRICORN: Don't go chasing waterfalls. Please stick to chasing things that actually move: it's more exciting. May your life be as shiny as a mirror ball.

AQUARIUS: Those people aren't laughing with you; they're laughing at you. This week, be prepared to wax your eyebrows.

PISCES: Though you've often thought about giving it all away and moving to Tibet, it turns out that airplane tickets are really an arm and a leg. Compose an epic love poem this week.

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