Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 26 April - 2 May 2010

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

26 APRIL - 2 MAY 2010

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ARIES: Your destiny may not be written in the stars, but it's definitely written on the bathroom wall. Use umlauts sparingly.

TAURUS: If life sends you a fruit basket, avoid the pineapple. Everyone knows you can't move a rubber tree plant. And anyway, why would you want to?

GEMINI: While the pen is mightier than the sword, you will discover this week that an anvil is mightier than either of them. There are people out there trying to steal your soul. You should offer them a kind of timeshare proposal instead.

CANCER: Speak with an Irish accent this week. And kiss all stones you see, be they blarney or not. May your life be filled with bacon.

LEO: In the afterlife, you will be serenaded by Sting on a daily basis. Now is the time to eliminate 'tai chi' from your vocabulary.

VIRGO: The grass is always greener where they've spilt green paint in the garden. This week, you will find your spirits high but your wines and alcopops low.

LIBRA: Your future lies with penguins. Trust me. If you can't walk like an Egyptian, at least attempt to walk like a Tunisian.

SCORPIO: Can you dig it? Well, not without a shovel. It doesn't matter how many colours your crayon box has, you'll still just draw everything in black, red and blue.

SAGITTARIUS: This is a good week to sweat to the oldies. Or, in the company of oldies. Don't let the Internet speak to you that way.

CAPRICORN: That good luck you've been trying to find? Have you ever thought that maybe you've been finding-and-replacing by accident? If you have any plans this week involving wax, cancel them immediately.

AQUARIUS: Time to let go of the steering wheel. Though you might want to pull over first. This week, you may see a fat lady singing. However, don't presume that the opera is over.

PISCES: While life may be sweet, it's also high in carbohydrates. Try to sweeten your life with aspartame if possible. True love rarely carries a pickaxe.

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Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 19 - 25 April 2010

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

19 - 25 APRIL 2010

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ARIES: This week, you'll meet the man of your dreams: Freddy Kreuger. Stop with the chicken soup for your soul. Your soul is vegetarian.

TAURUS: Being a Taurus will start to seem kind of cool again, after many years of being a social pariah. If you ignore your bad luck, maybe it'll go away.

GEMINI: Regrets? You've had a few. But then again, too few to mention. Still water runs deep, but sparkling water is quite shallow.

CANCER: You have an unstoppable sexual magnetism, meaning people with metal plates in their heads are sexually attracted to you. Eat oysters this week.

LEO: This is the star sign for people with delusions of grandeur. Buy a throne. It's not the right time of the year to be singing Christmas carols.

VIRGO: Stop volunteering for cavity searches. The police already have their hands full, so to speak. You deserve good things in life. Pity you'll never get them.

LIBRA: It's all downhill from here, my dear. It's time to take the Backstreet Boys posters off your wall.

SCORPIO: A telephone number scribbled on a bathroom wall with a promise of a 'good time' might provide the very answers you're looking for. Procure a spear and magic helmet. Use them to do good in the world.

SAGITTARIUS: This is a good week to wear those sunglasses Kanye West always seems to be wearing. You are certain to find true love some time between now and the year 2035.

CAPRICORN: You are naughty by nature, which causes you to be down with O.P.P. I'd think twice before lending any Leos any money, if you know what I mean.

AQUARIUS: This week will come in like a thief at night and go out like a lion. Certain South American countries are crying for you. Please reassure them.

PISCES: If you choose to look on the bright side of life, it's best you put on some sunglasses first. Typographical errors provide insights into your soul.

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Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 12 - 18 April 2010

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

12 - 18 APRIL 2010

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ARIES: Use your self-confidence and your natural charisma this week to rob people for all they're worth. Voices in your head will tell you to stop listening to voices in your head.

TAURUS: Sprout wings and learn to fly this week. Literally, not metaphorically. Venus is rising, and so is Mr. Mojo.

GEMINI: Elephants are waiting for you. A long-lost love will approach you and attempt to break your arm.

CANCER: If you turn invisible, remember not to overlook your dental hygiene. You'd have to be out of your mind to take seriously anything a Sagittarius tells you. Seriously – have you seen the clothes they wear?

LEO: This week, the weather will be cloudy with light showers and fifteen degrees. Under no circumstances should you even attempt to walk like an Egyptian.

VIRGO: Get saucy, baby. All the soap in the world will still leave you feeling dirty. Use some water as well.

LIBRA: The magic word is 'corduroy'. Some time in the near future, you will walk down enough roads to, at long last, be called a man.

SCORPIO: Remember: don't shoot until you see the whites of their eggs. You might want to stop calling your loved one 'Donkey Kong'.

SAGITTARIUS: This week, you might fall down and break your crown. Your future holds a variety of velvet paintings of Elvis Presley and poker-playing dogs.

CAPRICORN: Vivid dreams about 'Family Feud' are a harbinger of dandruff problems. If you meet someone named Lloyd, call the police.

AQUARIUS: Stop using sex as a weapon. Use mace instead. You're feeling awfully chipper this week – so much so in fact that you break wood into small pieces.

PISCES: Stop trying to live up to your neighbours' standards, and stop trying to videotape them through your bedroom window. If love leaves you weak at the knees, don't bench press with your knees.

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Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 5 - 11 April 2010

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

5 - 11 APRIL 2010

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ARIES: This week a baker's man will bake you a cake as fast as he can. Don't rely on FedEx to deliver you from evil.

TAURUS: This is a good week to say, “I was born on a pirate's ship” while pulling your mouth as wide as you can. Play dogdeball to your heart's content.

GEMINI: Count on a Pisces or a Libra to mess everything up again. Expect a phone call from Fatboy Slim looking for new ways to reinvigorate his career.

CANCER: Metaphorically speaking, you live in the ashes of a nightingale's Christmas tree lights. If they made a bronze statue of you on a horse, that'd be completely awesome.

LEO: This is your week for pickling exotic vegetables. You're never going to survive unless you get a little crazy, and unless you start taking those pills the doctor prescribed.

VIRGO: If you trust yourself enough, you'll be willing to loan yourself money at a low interest rate. This week, party like it's 1999, or at least 1972.

LIBRA: Seek out new and exciting characters on your computer's keyboard. Those aren't hellhounds on your trail – merely dachshunds.

SCORPIO: Wear pink this week, or at least listen to P!nk. If you're trying to seek your heart's desire, it might be at the bottom of the cereal box.

SAGITTARIUS: If you have a breastplate, you should get breast forks and breast knives. Your absolute mastery of Hungry Hungry Hippos will get you far in life.

CAPRICORN: Though wild horses could not drag you away, the police can, and will, drag you away from the horses. If you wake up naked in a city park with a henna tattoo on your cheek, it's probably best to keep it a secret.

AQUARIUS: Just remember: there are other fish in the sea. Even if their stocks are depleting. Wear tweed underpants.

PISCES: Wear fruit on your head, like Carmen Miranda. Though your bank account might be overdrawn, the picture on your fridge is drawn just enough.

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