Horoscopes Monkey Trial

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 23 - 29 August 2010

2010-08-22T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

23 - 29 AUGUST 2010

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ARIES: Your soul is a bagpiper playing "Scotland the Brave" ten times an hour. A lonely evening at home will not be improved by pay-per-view porn.

TAURUS: Red Bull gives you wings, but they're honey garlic wings. And who wants them? Instead of spilling a trusted confidante's secrets, try spilling some salad dressing on your tie instead.

GEMINI: You can dance. You can jive. But all signs show that this week you won't be having the time of your life. Share secrets with a friend, but not with a megaphone.

CANCER: Blood is thicker than water, but thinner than chocolate pudding. Meet a special someone this week in an unlit alley after dark.

LEO: Your star sign is an anagram for 'olé!', proving you were destined for a life as a flamenco dancer. Happiness is just a hepatitis inoculation away.

VIRGO: As attractive as the sun clearly is, don't forget the moon needs some loving too. This is a good week for buying cars. And also for playing cards and for consuming carbs.

LIBRA: This is a good week to eat, drink and be merry, although not the kind that has a little lamb. Kids these days don't say 'bad' to mean 'good' anymore, so that comment was a genuine criticism of your chicken cacciatore.

SCORPIO: You're feeling positively breezy this week, which could turn to gale force winds by Thursday. Glow worms are rarely found inside glow apples.

SAGITTARIUS: 'Love' is just a four-letter word, but so is 'okra'. Come to think of it, I'd rather you didn't drink my liquor from an old fruit jar either.

CAPRICORN: This is a good week to publish your memoirs, or at least to spend time thinking about how silly the word 'memoir' is. Compose a raga for sitar and sarod this week.

AQUARIUS: This week, you will be plagued by ennui, angst and other five-letter foreign words. Change your name to an unpronounceable symbol.

PISCES: The moon is in Scorpio this week, causing old women on your street to get anxious about Roto-Rooters. When was the last time you really stuck your neck out for the vampires in your life?

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Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 16 - 22 August 2010

2010-08-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

16 - 22 AUGUST 2010

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ARIES: This week, you will discover a new way to wash your hands so early in the morning. If your dog begins speaking this week, follow its advice.

TAURUS: You will find a recipe for disaster while looking for a recipe for angel's food cake. Talk with a lisp this week.

GEMINI: Don't be fooled by a girl offering to hold a football for you to practise kicking, especially if that same girl otherwise offers psychiatric advice. Forego pants whenever possible.

CANCER: Dreams of dancing microwave ovens might mean a visit from an old school bus driver. Discover a fun new food allergy.

LEO: This week, Firefox will prevent your enemies from opening a pop-up window. Thank it. Get a tattoo of Ross Perot on your elbow.

VIRGO: Sacrifice a Virgo this week to the volcano gods. Catch wily rabbits by singing Wagner.

LIBRA: There's never been a Sesame Street character who knows your inner soul like Snuffleupagus. Live in the 1950s this week. Wear pearls at the dinner table.

SCORPIO: This is a good week for love, in particular for love of dairy products. Use your sense of right and wrong this week to manipulate someone into evildoing on your behalf.

SAGITTARIUS: The hospital is no place to show hospitality: try your living room instead. Start naming your friends after vegetables.

CAPRICORN: Click your heels together as much as you like but you'll never get to Kansas unless you drive there. Consider the relative dangers of the Blackberry and the acai berry.

AQUARIUS: Swearing like a sailor will make you seem sexier this week. You should socialise only with people who keep Chia pets.

PISCES: Get more iron in your diet, ironing in your chores and irony in your sense of humour. Good fortune awaits you at the bottom of the Lucky Charms box.

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Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 9 - 15 August 2010

2010-08-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

9 - 15 AUGUST 2010

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ARIES: What you thought were close personal ties will turn out to be polyester and shrink in the wash. Waddle as much as possible.

TAURUS: Baby bok choi holds all the answers. What at first seems like success will later turn out to be a crushing defeat that will make you a pariah for years to come.

GEMINI: Now is the time to realise your ambition to write a Broadway musical about the life of Mary Lou Retton. Go to the barber this week, but not for a bloodletting.

CANCER: Seek your destiny in 80s new wave music. In most social circles, floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee is considered poor table manners.

LEO: Love will keep you together, but in addition, love will tear you apart. It's complicated. Change your pet's name to Pablo.

VIRGO: Shoe polish is really, honestly only used to polish shoes. You will discover a new island in the Pacific Ocean and earn millions selling bird droppings and internet domain space to the world.

LIBRA: It's easier to admit defeat than it is to admit to sticking pencil lead up your nose when you were in grade two. Flee the flea market.

SCORPIO: Now is the time to test whether or not eating apple seeds will really make an apple tree grow in your stomach. Spend some valuable time this week avoiding the police.

SAGITTARIUS: It's time to start facing facts, instead of standing with your back to them. Avoid Libras like the plague this week.

CAPRICORN: If opportunity comes knocking, lock your door and pretend you're not home. Do unto others as you would have David Hasselhoff do unto you.

AQUARIUS: Invent a new language this week and use it to write epic love poems. Don't follow lederhosen or watch parking meters.

PISCES: This week, you will be unlucky in love but lucky in Battleship. Dreams of cottage cheese could represent new personal fortunes, or a tendency to vote Republican.

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Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 2 - 8 August 2010

2010-08-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

2 - 8 AUGUST 2010

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ARIES: Sing a song of sixpence, plus VAT. Remember that life is like a cell phone: impossible to buy a replacement battery for, and obsolete before you've even figured out how to use it properly.

TAURUS: This week, a Roman emperor will give you thumbs up. However, he will only be trying to hitch a ride. Hoard goat cheese.

GEMINI: Watching “The Wizard of Oz”, you will be scandalised to discover that, despite the kids' rhyme, the ladies do in fact wear bras. Try keeping your face in a jar by the door.

CANCER: This is a good week to find your true love in the maternity wing of the hospital. Always look on the bright side of fluorescent bulbs.

LEO: Avoid the letter 'w' this week. Donate your housepet to a worthy cause.

VIRGO: You are a naturally cantakerous person, proud to have a vocabulary rich enough to know what words like 'cantankerous' mean. Wear padded shoulders.

LIBRA: This week, you will run with scissors. Model underwear in the comfort of your own living room.

SCORPIO: Increasingly, you have been getting drunk on power. This week, try getting drunk on Tanqueray instead. Choose your friends like you'd choose your dish detergent.

SAGITTARIUS: This week you will build an 828m tower, bringing your small country to the brink of bankruptcy in the process. Learn Chinese, or at least learn Chinese checkers.

CAPRICORN: Don't bite off more than you can chew, unless you have a friend willing to help you with the chewing. Spike the fountain of youth with vodka.

AQUARIUS: Remember to eat your vegetables. This week, a whirlwind romance will end in a whirlpool.

PISCES: This week, you will buy new shoes. Try not to make your old shoes jealous. For God's sake, think of the Ukrainians.

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Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 26 July - 1 August 2010

2010-07-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

26 JULY - 1 AUGUST 2010

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ARIES: He who lives by the river dies by the river. All that office talk around the water cooler would be much more exciting if it were held around a Slurpee machine.

TAURUS: Don't be afraid to ask for advice, or to ask for a cup of sugar. All of this pent-up rage and frustration is going to need an outlet, and Skee-ball might not suffice.

GEMINI: It might be time to put down some roots, or to put some root vegetables in your salad. This week you'll finally remember what happened that night you woke up in a farmer's field in Spokane with a girl named Daisy.

CANCER: If you ever plan to motor west, forget about it. Just fly to Cancun instead. Not everything needs ketchup.

LEO: If you're shopping for a car this week, check the hubcaps. And check if it's got that glowy light under the chassis. That's just rad. There are good corn flakes and evil corn flakes.

VIRGO: The rumours about you are true. Don't tell anyone. No octopus can predict which battles you'll win and lose this week.

LIBRA: You've got that certain something, baby, that make people want to call the cops. When a problem comes along, you may resort to other measures besides whipping it.

SCORPIO: Take up a new hobby this week, like spying on the hottie across the street with a telescope. Nobody else has shoes that nice.

SAGITTARIUS: Over the next twelve months, you might see big changes in your life, but it probably just means your vision is getting worse. Waterfowl look up to you.

CAPRICORN: The moon will be entering your second house this week, unless you've changed the locks. By this time next year, you'll be in clover. Hope you're not allergic.

AQUARIUS: Children should be seen and not smelt. They might start looking for weapons of mass destruction in your backyard. Stay calm.

PISCES: You might have to spend a little money this week. Life-sized posters of the Jonas Brothers are highly recommended. Celebrate your sobriety with a fine champagne or eight.

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Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 19 - 25 July 2010

2010-07-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

19-25 JULY 2010

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ARIES: Did I ever tell you you're my hero? I was probably drunk. Don't let a sex scandal interfere with your love life.

TAURUS: Arguments this week will end in tears, not to mention blood and sweat. If you feel that you've been spending too much time with the ghosts of your past, try to meet some of the ghosts of your neighbour's past instead.

GEMINI: People are going to size you up this week. Use a Thighmaster. The leaves in the trees are whispering to you and only you.

CANCER: Extra money is burning a hole in your pocket, which is going to hurt your legs considerably. Put on the charm for a new acquaintance this week, or if you can, put on a charm bracelet.

LEO: That holiday you've been dreaming of? It's going to rain. You'll never get a gold medal if you don't get cracking at that alchemy project.

VIRGO: He who pays the piper calls the tune, but he who pays the ferryman invokes Chris DeBurgh's wrath. You might find true love behind the liquor store.

LIBRA: A chance meeting with a stranger will set sparks flying. If you're not careful, a small brush fire may erupt. Unleash your inner werewolf this week.

SCORPIO: If you can't keep your life together, at least keep your shoelaces tied. Make sure that pressing obligation is not pressing on your lumbar region.

SAGITTARIUS: Your sex life will come crashing through the floor. It'll be tough to explain to the landlord. Ask yourself what Jesus would do. Or failing that, what Rumplestiltskin would do.

CAPRICORN: Thundercats are go, and you can be too. The stars are telling you to change your name. Consider “Tia”.

AQUARIUS: Stop blogging about your underarm deodorant. You might need to take a leap of faith this week, but please look before you leap.

PISCES: Shake up your social life a little bit. Spend some time with some wallabies. Just because you're a fish doesn't mean you have to be a wet fish.

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Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 12 - 18 July 2010

2010-07-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

12-18 JULY 2010

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ARIES: People who used to see you as Gargamel are starting to see you as Azrael instead. Someone close to you will show you the whey, even if they'll hide the curds from you.

TAURUS: The moon's been laughing at you. Can you blame it? Don't let anyone tell you that you're not worthy of a good manicure and facial.

GEMINI: While it takes two to tango, it takes a village to raise tangoing babies, like that one in the gif. Love is blind, which explains its fashoin sense.

CANCER: You could be a rainbow, if you didn't hate indigo so much. With any luck, you'll soon be making money hand over fist. You might also make some money with other hand gestures as well.

LEO: You're about to eat the Ramen noodles of love. People will continue to think your favourite colour is yellow when it is, in fact, navy blue.

VIRGO: Though your dreams of Broadway will never come to pass, you might get a chance on Narrow Way. This week, you'll find yourself swimming in huge oceans of gravy.

LIBRA: Geminis and Leos will laugh at you this week, but secretly they're just jealous of your awesome facial hair. The ties that bind are rarely bungee cords.

SCORPIO: What you can't observe with your heart, you may be able to suss out with your spleen. Happiness is just a grape juice stain away.

SAGITTARIUS: This week you'll be laughing all the way to the bank, which will annoy the other bus passengers. Believe in the power of acorns, and all will turn out okay.

CAPRICORN: Don't count your chickens in a Ford hatchback. You will discover that, while every rose does indeed have its thorn, there are a good many cowboys who do not, in fact, sing a sad, sad song.

AQUARIUS: You can't do the hokey-pokey if you're unwilling to shake your left foot all about. Salivating at the sound of a ringing bell might be cool for dogs, but it does nothing for your personal dating prospects.

PISCES: Don't be afraid of becoming the person you were always supposed to be, or of spiders either. Nothing lasts forever. Not even the grout on your bathroom tiles.

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Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 5 - 11 July 2010

2010-07-04T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

5-11 JULY 2010

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ARIES: While happiness is a warm gun, sadness is a warm beer. This week you will find yourself touching a complete stranger's heart. Or naughty bits.

TAURUS: Love is like a thick gelatinous stew: those things might possibly be okra. Loneliness will strike you this week, perhaps leaving a bruise.

GEMINI: This week, you may find your values severely tested. Sell them out at the drop of a hat. Don't attempt to do Mickey's monkey without express permission from Mickey.

CANCER: Your heart will whisper its deepest secrets to you this week. It's probably just talking nonsense. Humour it. You might have to suffer fools this week, but it's better than suffering succotash.

LEO: Your name will always be Gilgamesh to someone you love. If you look at life like a constant chain of struggles and hopes, your frineds will sneer at you behind your back.

VIRGO: Filibustering and gerrymandering are not just for politicians anymore. They're for aficionados of silly words from all walks of life. Hold the door open for someone this week. And next week, slam it in someone else's face.

LIBRA: Now is the time to clean out your closet, setting free any skeletons or gay people that might be in there. Go west, or more precisely go West North West.

SCORPIO: Don't aspire to be Wally if everyone sees you as the Beaver, no matter what you do. You know those wall calendars with pictures of unicorns in them? Aren't those cool?

SAGITTARIUS: Find your happiness this week. It might be stuck under the seat cushions. Metaphorically, your heart is like a Slap Chop and your genitals are like Cherry Garcia ice cream.

CAPRICORN: A weight will be lifted from your shoulders this week. Additionally, you will be beheaded. Explore new pasta shapes.

AQUARIUS: Your heart is like those pictures of nebulae and constellations you can find on NASA's website. Wednesday is a good day to eat brie.

PISCES: When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high and wear a raincoat, for God's sake. Work life might hold some exciting new prospects. But for some other person, not you.

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Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 28 June - 4 July 2010

2010-06-27T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

28 JUNE - 4 JULY 2010

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ARIES: Efficiency at work this week will bring you absolutely no recognition whatsoever. Your status will be upgraded from Ringo to Paul this week. Aim for George!

TAURUS: If you want to defuse that ticking time bomb in your head, cut the red wire. No, wait: the blue one. Never take driving lessons from a man with an eye patch and a parrot on his shoulder.

GEMINI: You are at a fork in the road. Or maybe it's a spork. You will need to prove yourself this week; use a mathematical proof.

CANCER: Make friends this week with a Taurus, and celebrate your new-found friendship by publically demeaning a Capricorn. Decorate your house with those little umbrellas they put in mai-tais.

LEO: The ability to recite entire scenes verbatim from "Caddyshack" is rarely a job requirement, sad to say. What you need is a fat, funky bassline. And a go-go beat.

VIRGO: If you're looking for a new way to make friends, try holding hostages. It might work. You might discover that the wheels on the bus go round and round only through certain parts of the town.

LIBRA: The week you've been waiting for all these years has finally arrived! Now, if you could only remember why you were waiting for it. Carve your own path this week. Or whittle one.

SCORPIO: Metaphorically, you are a grain of sand in a giant lava lamp riding a white donkey and playing a vuvuzela. Speak on the pompatus of love this week, whatever people call you.

SAGITTARIUS: You will be engulfed in waves of negative energy. It might make your hair stand on end. Stop trying to live in the now, and start living in the fifteen-seconds-ago.

CAPRICORN: This week, Mercury and Mars will meet down at the pub for a few drinks. Join them. Forgive those who tresspass against you, even if they wrecked your flowers.

AQUARIUS: If you find yourself with too many fish to fry this week, consider baking some. Your intuition will be at an all-time high this week, but you already knew that.

PISCES: Take these broken wings and learn to fly again. Or cook them in a honey garlic sauce. Either way. If you find yourself swamped with unrealistic expectations, look for bulrushes.

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Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 21 - 27 June 2010

2010-06-20T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

21 - 27 JUNE 2010

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ARIES: Count your blessings this week, and do so in a fake Eastern European accent. It's time you stood on your own two feet instead of standing on other people's feet.

TAURUS: Make sure not to let your outlook on life go stale, or your baguette. Living is easy with eyes closed, but you tend to bump into things.

GEMINI: Instead of air guitar, play air bagpipes this week. The ability to speak Pig Latin does not make you a Pig Latino.

CANCER: Metaphorically, you are a lumberjack with a set of castanets singing love songs to an Algerian belly dancer. Your week will be dominated by mushrooms.

LEO: You can't spell 'happiness' without two p's and two s's. Birds roosting on your windowsill will give you perspective on your homelife.

VIRGO: The Pixies were not actual pixies, so exercise extreme caution with any dust given to you by Black Francis or Kim Deal. Don't be angry with the sun - it didn't mean to hurt you.

LIBRA: Lead us not into Temptation, or any other New Order song. Don't spread gossip or rumours this week, unless they're really, really juicy.

SCORPIO: If someone tells you you have fire in your eyes, put it out before it melts your brain. You can't go bobbing for apples just anywhere.

SAGITTARIUS: This week, you will discover that 'Sagittarius' is a tough word to spell. People will love and respect you if you wear a monacle.

CAPRICORN: You'll have to cut corners this week, like on your coffee table. It's high time you accepted that Frankie Goes to Hollywood are just never coming back.

AQUARIUS: This week, talk into electric fans every chance you get. Ask yourself why your mother never named you "Julio." Or, alternately, why she did.

PISCES: Nothing says "I love you" like a set of vocal chords, a tongue and lips. It turns out that Little Miss can most certainly be wrong on occasion.

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Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 14 - 20 June 2010

2010-06-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

14 - 20 JUNE 2010

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ARIES: An old name from bygone days will set off warning bells in your head. Ask a doctor to remove them, as rust can cause health risks. And the noise makes sleeping difficult. Be on the lookout this week for dogs playing poker.

TAURUS: Those people you've friended on Facebook are actually CIA spies. Be very careful. Don't forget the sock puppets.

GEMINI: Your love can move mountains, but probably shouldn't. A new moon on Monday may cause firedances through the night. Resist the urge to spend the cold day with a lonely satellite.

CANCER: If you were Pac-Man, this would be a good week to eat lots of white pellets. Stop looking for love in the neighbourhod nursing home.

LEO: If someone calls you a yahoo, it's not in reference to your ability to find things on the internet. Put transfers of popular Disney characters on your windows.

VIRGO: Stained glass usually isn't made with grass stains. Your sense of duty and obligation to your society will make others laugh.

LIBRA: Treat your teeth with the utmost love and affection: they'll reward you in ways you can't even guess. Your creativity is on an upswing this week. Express yourself in the medium of macaroni art.

SCORPIO: You will find yourself dreaming this week of Joe Pesci. If he is wearing a Speedo, interpret this to mean you will break a valuable statuette. Be careful. Grow mutton-chops. Especially if you're female.

SAGITTARIUS: You always hurt the ones you love, which makes boxing matches that much more homoerotic. Sometimes, you hurt people you detest, too. Look to seahorses for advice this week.

CAPRICORN: You should try to keep a low profile, because the shape of your nose just isn't flattering. Telephone someone at random. Invite them over for tea.

AQUARIUS: This week you might find yourself having to suck up to your boss this week. A Hoover vacuum cleaner might help. If there's a hole in your bucket, you should sing a jaunty song about it.

PISCES: You'll be at your absolute best between 5:00 and 5:30 on Wednesday afternoon. Hope you're not stuck in traffic then. When roosters crow, they're actually gossipping about you.

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Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 7 - 13 June 2010

2010-06-06T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

7 - 13 JUNE 2010

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ARIES: You will find it difficult to sleep without the aid of a lullaby. Hold your breath until you turn blue this week. Then join the Blue Man Group.

TAURUS: The Taurus with a thirst for knowledge can expect humidity and a high of 25 degrees on Wednesday. Untold horrors will rain down upon all those who misspell the word 'barbecue'.

GEMINI: Look both ways before crossing the street, and look up too, just to be sure. This week will bring you great riches, or great Richie Rich comics.

CANCER: You'll find a secret under your pillow, in exchange for a tooth. Choose a molar. Some girls are bigger than others, and some girls' wristwatches are bigger than other girls' wristwatches.

LEO: This week you will easily overcome any obstacles in your way, especially toddlers. Avoid questions with the word 'how' in them.

VIRGO: You'll fall madly in love with a Gemini this week, only to find that the object of your desires has a crippling addiction to pancakes. Stop looking at the world through rose-coloured glasses. Try lavender instead.

LIBRA: Stop whistling while you work. Everyone hates that. There's nothing in life a cup of coffee can't solve.

SCORPIO: This week will likely consist of seven full stretches of 24 hours each. Use a little elbow grease, and then get disgusted at the mental image of 'elbow grease'.

SAGITTARIUS: Try to budget yourself this week. Don't spend too much money on peanut butter or raisins. Start a new fashion trend by wearing hospital scrubs all day long.

CAPRICORN: If you decide to pursue a career singing quasi-operatic rock music, refrain from naming yourself after a luncheon meat. Keep pet squirrels.

AQUARIUS: If a mirror attempts to tell you who is fairest, just don't listen. You have too much time on your hands this week. Play hopscotch.

PISCES: You might find yourself this week grappling with a difficult decision. A grappling hook should help. You need to think more carefully about your reasons for wearing pants.

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Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 31 May - 6 June 2010

2010-05-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

31 MAY - 6 JUNE 2010

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ARIES: Though this week you will lose your chance at eternal happiness, you will find that other sock you've been looking for. Yodeling from the mountain tops will teach you much about your life.

TAURUS: A loved one will give you the cold shoulder this week. Try heating it with a hot water bottle. Stay out of the limelight, and head straight for the lemonlight.

GEMINI: Metaphorically speaking, your heart is a beaver drenched in molasses and hung from a flagpole, singing “Kumbaya”. Living with vegetables will give you the opportunity to reacquaint yourself with the humble zucchini.

CANCER: Everybody's working for the weekend, so try working for Tuesday afternoon instead. Wear tweed elbow patches. And a tweed soul patch, if applicable.

LEO: Ambition may drive you to do terrible things, like wear Uggs. Your friends are the only people who truly understand your feelings about Barney the Purple Dinosaur.

VIRGO: This Thursday, beware a giant man with a blue tongue. Do not obey him, at any cost. There's more to life than Pop-Tarts.

LIBRA: Now is the time to avoid gravy. Hold your head up high, but not so high that it makes your neck look freakishly long.

SCORPIO: Your love for Christina Aguilera is, sadly, only partially requited. You've been looking for love in all the wrong places, and your car keys as well.

SAGITTARIUS: Someone from the past will reappear this week – perhaps someone from the Middle Ages, or the Neolithic Revolution. Airport security recognise you by name. This can't be a good thing.

CAPRICORN: Roses are red, violets are blue, and knowing the colours of flowers will get you nowhere in life. Surfing the web for cute pictures of cats will lead to major lifestyle changes.

AQUARIUS: You've spent too many years now waiting for the perfect fishhook to catch your eye. Ask, and ye shall be given a stern warning not to be too inquisitive.

PISCES: Whatever you own that's rubber, hide it now. As Venus is rising this week, you might like to tether it somewhere stable.

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Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 24 - 30 May 2010

2010-05-23T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

24 - 30 MAY 2010

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ARIES: This week you might be fooled by the rocks someone's got. Remember they're probably igneous. Suffer fools gladly, with the help of a good painkiller.

TAURUS: Although you are just a soul whose intentions are good, there is a chance this week that you may be misunderstood. Now is the time to look into feng shui, and to laugh at how silly it is.

GEMINI: Never trust a Virgo, especially not with your laundry. Be frank in your work life, and be george in your love life.

CANCER: Are those hungry hungry hippos you're playing with, or eating disorder eating disorder hippos? This week, you will successfully be able to lick your elbow.

LEO: You can't see the forest for the trees, which might mean you need glasses. When you wish upon a star, you might find signs indicating a rocky road ahead in your love life.

VIRGO: Don't through out the baby with the bathwater, because that's some perfectly good water. A teary-eyed former child star might harrass you to 'cross over' this week. Just tell her you see the light and then kick her in the shins.

LIBRA: Face it: your life is never going to be like an Absolut Vodka ad. Something in your personal life will cause you to break out in hives.

SCORPIO: Don't forget to call your mother, or at least your barber. This week, you might find that your participles have been dangling. Call in an expert.

SAGITTARIUS: You might develop a superpower this week, or perhaps a goitre. Talk with your friends this week about the things that really matter, like NASCAR.

CAPRICORN: Things are looking up for you this week. Turn their heads downward to have them looking straight ahead instead. Buy a waffle iron.

AQUARIUS: You might hear some angels on high this week. Putting them on low will preserve energy. Travel by train, or travel with a trainer.

PISCES: This week, you might see a black cat crossing your path, but rest assured it's just a very dark grey. Dreams of cottage cheese might lead to an envelope filled with anthrax in the mail.

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Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 17 - 23 May 2010

2010-05-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

17 - 23 MAY 2010

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ARIES: If someone in your family is a workoholic, try to find ways to decrease his or her workohol intake. Look before you leap, unless you're a cartoon animal, in which case look once you've run halfway across the gap between cliffs.

TAURUS: Metaphorically, your love life is like a swan gasping for air while bathing in a swimming pool filled with cotton. A nice man with a shockingly unconvincing toupée will strike up a dialogue with you.

GEMINI: Brace yourself for a wild adventure this week: that way, even if nothing happens, you'll still be nicely braced. Two words: tofu tiramisu.

CANCER: If you're thinking of romancing the stone, may I suggest Sharon? You'll never find harmony in your social life if you keep flattening those fifth intervals.

LEO: Don't go mistaking paradise for that home across the road. You will be haunted by memories this week. Or by poltergeists.

VIRGO: While it's important to be as broad-minded as possible, remember that feminists disapprove of the word 'broad'. You will meet a new friend in the bathroom at Wendy's.

LIBRA: There won't be any trumpets blowing come the judgement day, but perhaps there'll be some piccolos. The mice living in your rafters will bring you positive messages of hope and peace.

SCORPIO: Though this week might seem to be filled with nothing but soul-crushing tedium, opportunity will strike if you dig deep enough. You can't force love, but you can force feed someone you love.

SAGITTARIUS: Penguins rest heavily in your imagination this week. If you've been thinking of living in a mobile home, now's the time to read up on sewage tank maintenance.

CAPRICORN: You might be faced with criticism this week. Take confidence in the fact that they've overlooked a good many of your faults. Persuade a loved one to love two.

AQUARIUS: This week, you might find yourself obsessing over details. Just remember there are other men's magazines on the newsstand. Yoga is as yoga does.

PISCES: If you've ever dreamed of going skydiving, now is the perfect time to realise what a ridiculous dream that is. If luck hands you two donkeys, remember the donkeyless among us.

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Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 10 - 16 May 2010

2010-05-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

10 - 16 MAY 2010

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ARIES: Join the Boy Scouts this week. There are many good knots to learn how to tie. You will be featured in an upcoming issue of National Geographic.

TAURUS: Your superego is actually only a merely-adequate-ego. Someone's trying to get in touch with you. Pretend your cell phone's run out of charge.

GEMINI: All signs are showing that this week will be a good week for your mental health, but then again what do signs know, right? When in Rome, do as the tourists do.

CANCER: What do you think is worse: having a crustacean as the symbol of your star sign, or having a disease as the name? Remember: early to bed, early to rise makes a man miss Letterman.

LEO: Oh Leo, Leo, dance across the Rio Grande. Now is the time to make your dreams reality, especially that dream you keep having where you're naked in public.

VIRGO: Your friends describe you as an 'old soul', by which they mean you have the fashoin sense of Grandpa Simpson. Consider writing your name in all lower-case, like k.d. lang.

LIBRA: Although you can't judge a book by its cover, you can usually learn a lot from its dust jacket. Wear spandex leopard-print underwear.

SCORPIO: If you feel like a great whale at times, it's probably due to how much krill you eat. Paint the town red this week. Use acrylic.

SAGITTARIUS: If you've been considering shaving your head, now might be the time for psychological examination. You really need to take stock and figure out where you are on your life's journey. GPS should help.

CAPRICORN: Have you spoken to your flowerpots lately? Microsoft Word can correct your typos, but not your karma.

AQUARIUS: Talk to your toes. Make them feel at home. Once upon a time, you dressed so fine and threw the bums a dime in your prime, but factoring in inflation, you should now be throwing them eighteen cents.

PISCES: Beware of radioactivity, but embrace televisionactivity. All signs indicate that tomorrow is a good time to settle down. Until tomorrow, however, just keep moving on.

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Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 3 - 9 May 2010

2010-05-02T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

3 - 9 MAY 2010

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ARIES: That sleigh you had as a child is gone and lost forever. No amount of snow globes will change that. Your job life will present new opportunities in the form of a poker-playing camel.

TAURUS: The volcano in your heart will stop all intercontinental air traffic this week. Remember that 'sorry' is only a word, and so is 'banjo'.

GEMINI: Live your life like they do on beer commercials. Be careful not to sacrifice your soul for good oral hygiene.

CANCER: Don't trust anything that plays Brahms' Lullaby when you wind it up. You've been neglecting toast.

LEO: Don't trust your horoscope this week. After you die, people will primarily remember you by the way you garnished hot dogs.

VIRGO: This week, true love will haunt you like a ghost carrying a semi-automatic weapon. For the love of God, use a pencil, not a pen.

LIBRA: Interstate travel is not recommended if you have a banjo on your knee. Read the classified ads this week: you might just find some cabbages.

SCORPIO: Though your life will be a dismal failure for the next 18 months, you will eat a really delicious cupcake. You're never too old to use a pogo stick.

SAGITTARIUS: Your loved one will be Silly Putty in your hands, which will freak you completely out. There's more to life than Beetle Bailey.

CAPRICORN: You might find that a spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down. If the world doesn't end on Tuesday, you're home free.

AQUARIUS: Listen to your senses, but ignore your sensei, whatever he tells you to do. Metaphorically, you are a lab rat chopping down a cherry tree with a swizzle stick.

PISCES: Spiritually, this is a good week for fish tacos. As Venus aligns with Jupiter in the third house this week, you'll find that you're late for “Dancing with the Stars”.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 26 April - 2 May 2010

2010-04-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

26 APRIL - 2 MAY 2010

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ARIES: Your destiny may not be written in the stars, but it's definitely written on the bathroom wall. Use umlauts sparingly.

TAURUS: If life sends you a fruit basket, avoid the pineapple. Everyone knows you can't move a rubber tree plant. And anyway, why would you want to?

GEMINI: While the pen is mightier than the sword, you will discover this week that an anvil is mightier than either of them. There are people out there trying to steal your soul. You should offer them a kind of timeshare proposal instead.

CANCER: Speak with an Irish accent this week. And kiss all stones you see, be they blarney or not. May your life be filled with bacon.

LEO: In the afterlife, you will be serenaded by Sting on a daily basis. Now is the time to eliminate 'tai chi' from your vocabulary.

VIRGO: The grass is always greener where they've spilt green paint in the garden. This week, you will find your spirits high but your wines and alcopops low.

LIBRA: Your future lies with penguins. Trust me. If you can't walk like an Egyptian, at least attempt to walk like a Tunisian.

SCORPIO: Can you dig it? Well, not without a shovel. It doesn't matter how many colours your crayon box has, you'll still just draw everything in black, red and blue.

SAGITTARIUS: This is a good week to sweat to the oldies. Or, in the company of oldies. Don't let the Internet speak to you that way.

CAPRICORN: That good luck you've been trying to find? Have you ever thought that maybe you've been finding-and-replacing by accident? If you have any plans this week involving wax, cancel them immediately.

AQUARIUS: Time to let go of the steering wheel. Though you might want to pull over first. This week, you may see a fat lady singing. However, don't presume that the opera is over.

PISCES: While life may be sweet, it's also high in carbohydrates. Try to sweeten your life with aspartame if possible. True love rarely carries a pickaxe.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 19 - 25 April 2010

2010-04-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

19 - 25 APRIL 2010

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ARIES: This week, you'll meet the man of your dreams: Freddy Kreuger. Stop with the chicken soup for your soul. Your soul is vegetarian.

TAURUS: Being a Taurus will start to seem kind of cool again, after many years of being a social pariah. If you ignore your bad luck, maybe it'll go away.

GEMINI: Regrets? You've had a few. But then again, too few to mention. Still water runs deep, but sparkling water is quite shallow.

CANCER: You have an unstoppable sexual magnetism, meaning people with metal plates in their heads are sexually attracted to you. Eat oysters this week.

LEO: This is the star sign for people with delusions of grandeur. Buy a throne. It's not the right time of the year to be singing Christmas carols.

VIRGO: Stop volunteering for cavity searches. The police already have their hands full, so to speak. You deserve good things in life. Pity you'll never get them.

LIBRA: It's all downhill from here, my dear. It's time to take the Backstreet Boys posters off your wall.

SCORPIO: A telephone number scribbled on a bathroom wall with a promise of a 'good time' might provide the very answers you're looking for. Procure a spear and magic helmet. Use them to do good in the world.

SAGITTARIUS: This is a good week to wear those sunglasses Kanye West always seems to be wearing. You are certain to find true love some time between now and the year 2035.

CAPRICORN: You are naughty by nature, which causes you to be down with O.P.P. I'd think twice before lending any Leos any money, if you know what I mean.

AQUARIUS: This week will come in like a thief at night and go out like a lion. Certain South American countries are crying for you. Please reassure them.

PISCES: If you choose to look on the bright side of life, it's best you put on some sunglasses first. Typographical errors provide insights into your soul.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 12 - 18 April 2010

2010-04-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

12 - 18 APRIL 2010

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ARIES: Use your self-confidence and your natural charisma this week to rob people for all they're worth. Voices in your head will tell you to stop listening to voices in your head.

TAURUS: Sprout wings and learn to fly this week. Literally, not metaphorically. Venus is rising, and so is Mr. Mojo.

GEMINI: Elephants are waiting for you. A long-lost love will approach you and attempt to break your arm.

CANCER: If you turn invisible, remember not to overlook your dental hygiene. You'd have to be out of your mind to take seriously anything a Sagittarius tells you. Seriously – have you seen the clothes they wear?

LEO: This week, the weather will be cloudy with light showers and fifteen degrees. Under no circumstances should you even attempt to walk like an Egyptian.

VIRGO: Get saucy, baby. All the soap in the world will still leave you feeling dirty. Use some water as well.

LIBRA: The magic word is 'corduroy'. Some time in the near future, you will walk down enough roads to, at long last, be called a man.

SCORPIO: Remember: don't shoot until you see the whites of their eggs. You might want to stop calling your loved one 'Donkey Kong'.

SAGITTARIUS: This week, you might fall down and break your crown. Your future holds a variety of velvet paintings of Elvis Presley and poker-playing dogs.

CAPRICORN: Vivid dreams about 'Family Feud' are a harbinger of dandruff problems. If you meet someone named Lloyd, call the police.

AQUARIUS: Stop using sex as a weapon. Use mace instead. You're feeling awfully chipper this week – so much so in fact that you break wood into small pieces.

PISCES: Stop trying to live up to your neighbours' standards, and stop trying to videotape them through your bedroom window. If love leaves you weak at the knees, don't bench press with your knees.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 5 - 11 April 2010

2010-04-04T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

5 - 11 APRIL 2010

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ARIES: This week a baker's man will bake you a cake as fast as he can. Don't rely on FedEx to deliver you from evil.

TAURUS: This is a good week to say, “I was born on a pirate's ship” while pulling your mouth as wide as you can. Play dogdeball to your heart's content.

GEMINI: Count on a Pisces or a Libra to mess everything up again. Expect a phone call from Fatboy Slim looking for new ways to reinvigorate his career.

CANCER: Metaphorically speaking, you live in the ashes of a nightingale's Christmas tree lights. If they made a bronze statue of you on a horse, that'd be completely awesome.

LEO: This is your week for pickling exotic vegetables. You're never going to survive unless you get a little crazy, and unless you start taking those pills the doctor prescribed.

VIRGO: If you trust yourself enough, you'll be willing to loan yourself money at a low interest rate. This week, party like it's 1999, or at least 1972.

LIBRA: Seek out new and exciting characters on your computer's keyboard. Those aren't hellhounds on your trail – merely dachshunds.

SCORPIO: Wear pink this week, or at least listen to P!nk. If you're trying to seek your heart's desire, it might be at the bottom of the cereal box.

SAGITTARIUS: If you have a breastplate, you should get breast forks and breast knives. Your absolute mastery of Hungry Hungry Hippos will get you far in life.

CAPRICORN: Though wild horses could not drag you away, the police can, and will, drag you away from the horses. If you wake up naked in a city park with a henna tattoo on your cheek, it's probably best to keep it a secret.

AQUARIUS: Just remember: there are other fish in the sea. Even if their stocks are depleting. Wear tweed underpants.

PISCES: Wear fruit on your head, like Carmen Miranda. Though your bank account might be overdrawn, the picture on your fridge is drawn just enough.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 29 March - 4 April 2010

2010-03-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

29 MARCH - 4 APRIL 2010

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ARIES: Although you may seem to have lost weight recently, you have in fact merely misplaced it. Metaphorically speaking, you are a seahorse with a machete in its mouth.

TAURUS: Walk with your head held high, unless it's too sunny. Avoid, or rather don't use, diphthongs this week.

GEMINI: Flying monkeys will invade your house this week. You might find yourself on the cover of Vanity Fair.

CANCER: Go on a Diet of Worms this week. You will never be as popular as any number of cats with videos on Youtube.

LEO: Learn to play the ocarina this week. It will lead to an illustrious career as a video game character. Wear black, or at least wear a sign with the word 'black' written on it.

VIRGO: Not only weasels go pop. This week, you will learn how to properly seal a Zip-Loc bag.

LIBRA: Although the police will frame you this week for a crime you did not commit, Jessica Fletcher will reveal the true criminal, thus exonerating you. A nice gold lamé suit would look smashing on you this week.

SCORPIO: Don't get caught with your pants down. Wear them as high as possible, like your grandfather. Buy the one you love some tomatoes.

SAGITTARIUS: This week you will find new dimensions arising within you. Call your doctor immediately. A horrible, ghastly future awaits you. Well, either you or Sally Weinberg of Mesa, Arizona.

CAPRICORN: Use the mildest of euphemisms for swear words this week. Consider 'heck' and 'fudge.' Join the Rod Stewart fan club.

AQUARIUS: Ramen noodles will provide the answers you seek. Are you going to take gardening advice from just anyone?

PISCES: You will find almonds particularly tasty this week. Now is the time to make your dreams about Xena the Warrior Princess come true.

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Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 22 - 28 March 2010

2010-03-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

22 - 28 MARCH 2010

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ARIES: Your life will get a two-star rating in the Michelin Guide. If someone offers to sell you letters of the alphabet, buy an 'o'.

TAURUS: If you act within the next half hour, you'll recieve a special gift at no extra cost. The FBI will open a case file for you this week in regards to possible communist sympathies.

GEMINI: Keep Glenn Close, but keep her enemies closer. Prepare yourself this week for a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Past, who is coming round to collect an old gambling debt.

CANCER: Invade a foreign country. Don't leave Charles in charge of your days or your nights.

LEO: Demand a recount of Alice the Camel's humps. Look for signs of impending doom or of acid reflux.

VIRGO: Now is a good time to eat your vegetables. Except turnips. No one likes that nasty stuff. You will find a long-lost 'lost-and-found' desk.

LIBRA: If a friend asks you out on a date this week, insist you go to a place that sells prunes. Spend energy this week instead of spending money. Cashiers won't mind.

SCORPIO: If your rooster crows earlier than normal, it might mean it's time to change your fabric softener. Watch out for leprechauns.

SAGITTARIUS: Dress up like Snow White this week. If knowing all the words to 'the Humpty Dance' is your main claim to fame, you might need to stretch your horizons.

CAPRICORN: This is a good week to cheat on your partner at cards. Don't sweat the small stuff. Sweat a mixture of water and dissolved solids instead.

AQUARIUS: This week, you will speak and Hollywood will listen. Domesticate a new species, like perhaps the lungfish.

PISCES: Now is the time for a deathbed conversion: your deathbed might make a lovely daybed instead. Don't believe everything you read on washroom walls.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 15 - 21 March 2010

2010-03-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

15 - 21 MARCH 2010

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ARIES: This week, expect a phone call from a Virgo with long eyelashes. This person will try to sell you a timeshare in the Florida Keys. Keep the door to your secret crypt carefully locked.

TAURUS: What you've always suspected to be true really is true: your ability to eat really hot food is indeed an expression of your masculinity. Regardless of your gender. If you've never danced with the devil in the pale moonlight, now might be a good chance to try.

GEMINI: Time to learn what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars. If you hold your nose, suddenly all TV shows taste the same.

CANCER: Now is the time to remember with bittersweet nostalgia British ski jumpers of years past. If you keep fish, they might test your patience this week. Don't give into their demands.

LEO: Follow intellectual pursuits this week, like bingo. Avoid Aquariuses this week, as they are liable to punch you in the stomach.

VIRGO: You may feel the temptation to live outside the law, but try not to live outside the police station. This week, you will discover several new things which are all finger-licking good.

LIBRA: While your horoscope might bring bad news, your colonoscope will bring better news. Follow your ambition to become a forklift driver.

SCORPIO: Remember those playful, careless days of your youth? Well, they're gone forever now. Get over it. Count sheep this week. If unavailable, count goats.

SAGITTARIUS: God would not punish you this week if you decided to build a really big tower. Chew with your mouth closed, but with your eyes open.

CAPRICORN: Buy a second-hand watch with a second hand this week. Nobody will rain on your parade this week, provided you hold your parade in the desert.

AQUARIUS: Your love life this week will be comparable to a kiwifruit: green and seedy on the inside, brown and fuzzy on the outside. This is a good week to play shuffleboard.

PISCES: This is a good week to wander aimlessly. Leave breadcrumbs in order to find your way back. If you push the right buttons, you can learn the cosines and square roots of various numbers.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 8 - 14 March 2010

2010-03-07T12:00:00.000-08:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

8 - 14 MARCH 2010

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ARIES: If you have any wicked stepsisters, now is the time to attempt a dewicking. Teach a homeless child how to dance the lambada.

TAURUS: People may be laughing at you, but you'll get the last laugh. This is because you're slow to understand the punchline. Drink the nectar of the gods, or at least of apricots.

GEMINI: Try not to be governed by your emotions this week, or by the Conservative Party. Listen very carefully to what your soup is telling you. But ignore your porridge – it lies like a rug.

CANCER: Set your alarm clock to ring loudly and obnoxiously every time “Gilligan's Island” is shown on local TV. Grow radishes in the trunk of your car.

LEO: The proof is in the pudding, and so is salmonella. Make changes to your home. Get new wainscotting done. Learn what in God's name wainscotting is.

VIRGO: This week, you will fall in love with a cartoon character. Perhaps Bullwinkle. If you had eyes on the back of your head, a hall of mirrors would blow your mind.

LIBRA: Should auld acquaintances be forgot and never brought to mind? Of course not. That's just silly talk. Give yourself Brezhnev's eyebrows.

SCORPIO: This is the wrong week to get your tonsils removed, particularly if you've already had them removed. Dial the operator this week and shout song lyrics into the phone.

SAGITTARIUS: Wear stilts to work. You will find a shopping cart encrusted with seaweed at the bottom of a river or shallow lake. Treat it gently.

CAPRICORN: This week, you will discover, to your abject horror, who's been stealing your hubcaps all these years. Now is the time to redefine your relationship with calculus.

AQUARIUS: Play ping pong this week as if your life depended on it. Don't be afraid of giant marshmallow villians anymore.

PISCES: Metaphorically speaking, your future is like gum stuck to hot asphalt in the summer. Ignore Toucan Sam's advice and follow your spleen instead. It frequently knows.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 1 - 7 March 2010

2010-02-28T12:00:00.000-08:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

1 - 7 MARCH 2010

__________

ARIES: Now is the time to apply the valuable life lessons you learnt while watching “Jake and the Fatman” all those years ago. Remember that all that glitters, or stars in the movie “Glitter”, is not gold.

TAURUS: Remember not to look a gift horse in the mouth, as gift horses are prone to nasty cases of halitosis. It's time to sell your Betamax videos of Cheech & Chong.

GEMINI: Try not to worry too much about the little things in life, like the life-threatening disease you're about to contract. Concentrate instead on simple pleasures like sunsets and polka music. This is a good week to post pictures of yourself on 4chan. You will become famous.

CANCER: You've been waltzing though life, when you should be fox-trotting instead. If you can fold a sheet of paper into the shape of a swan, you can rule the world.

LEO: The colour of your eyes will determine the severity of tomorrow's rush-hour traffic. Get down on your knees, but remember to wear knee guards.

VIRGO: Ride a train bound for glory this week, and this week alone. Earn valuable money this week by putting teeth under your pillow.

LIBRA: While it's tempting to believe that you would do anything for love, convince yourself that you won't do that. Spandex is a gift from God. Cherish it.

SCORPIO: Your dreams of becoming president of a small island republic are becoming less and less realistic each day, unless you get a move-on. That smell wafting from your neighbours' doors isn't really goulash.

SAGITTARIUS: Follow the stars this week, except Zac Efron. Lead that poor, helpless lad. Your entire life to date will be judged by Simon Cowell and found lacking.

CAPRICORN: This week, you will be haunted by a crippling inability to decide whether to pronounce 'caramel' with two syllables or one. Your life is not all a bit TV show like 'The Truman Show'. Think about it – who would watch you?

AQUARIUS: Try to be a little bit more like Burt Reynolds this week. Trade in your costly addiction to crack cocaine for a cheaper, though more fat-filled, addiction to Cracker Jacks.

PISCES: See your life as a swing set or teeter-totter, not as a slide. Unless it's one of those tube-shaped slides; those are pretty cool. This is the week to start embalming things in Mason jars.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 22 - 28 February 2010

2010-02-21T12:00:00.000-08:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

22 - 28 FEBRUARY 2010

__________

ARIES: You will find a recipe for disaster while looking for a recipe for angel's food cake. Talk with a lisp this week.

TAURUS: Don't be fooled by a girl offering to hold a football for you to practise kicking, especially if that same girl otherwise offers psychiatric advice. Forego pants whenever possible.

GEMINI: Dreams of dancing microwave ovens might mean a visit from an old school bus driver. Discover a fun new food allergy.

CANCER: This week, Firefox will prevent your enemies from opening a pop-up window. Thank it. Get a tattoo of Ross Perot on your elbow.

LEO: Sacrifice a Virgo this week to the volcano gods. Catch wily rabbits by singing Wagner.

VIRGO: There's never been a Sesame Street character who knows your inner soul like Snuffleupagus. Live in the 1950s this week. Wear pearls at the dinner table.

LIBRA: This is a good week for love, in particular for love of dairy products. Use your sense of right and wrong this week to manipulate someone into evildoing on your behalf.

SCORPIO: The hospital is no place to show hospitality: try your living room instead. Start naming your friends after vegetables.

SAGITTARIUS: Click your heels together as much as you like but you'll never get to Kansas unless you drive there. Consider the relative dangers of the Blackberry and the acai berry.

CAPRICORN: Swearing like a sailor will make you seem sexier this week. You should socialise only with people who keep Chia pets.

AQUARIUS: Get more iron in your diet, ironing in your chores and irony in your sense of humour. Good fortune awaits you at the bottom of the Lucky Charms box.

PISCES: This week, you will discover a new way to wash your hands so early in the morning. If your dog begins speaking this week, follow its advice.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 15 - 21 February 2010

2010-02-14T12:00:00.000-08:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

15 - 21 FEBRUARY 2010

__________

ARIES: Baby bok choi holds all the answers. What at first seems like success will later turn out to be a crushing defeat that will make you a pariah for years to come.

TAURUS: Now is the time to realise your ambition to write a Broadway musical about the life of Mary Lou Retton. Go to the barber this week, but not for a bloodletting.

GEMINI: Seek your destiny in 80s new wave music. In most social circles, floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee is considered poor table manners.

CANCER: Love will keep you together, but in addition, love will tear you apart. It's complicated. Change your pet's name to Pablo.

LEO: Shoe polish is really, honestly only used to polish shoes. You will discover a new island in the Pacific Ocean and earn millions selling bird droppings and internet domain space to the world.

VIRGO: It's easier to admit defeat than it is to admit to sticking pencil lead up your nose when you were in grade two. Flee the flea market.

LIBRA: Now is the time to test whether or not eating apple seeds will really make an apple tree grow in your stomach. Spend some valuable time this week avoiding the police.

SCORPIO: It's time to start facing facts, instead of standing with your back to them. Avoid Libras like the plague this week.

SAGITTARIUS: If opportunity comes knocking, lock your door and pretend you're not home. Do unto others as you would have David Hasselhoff do unto you.

CAPRICORN: Invent a new language this week and use it to write epic love poems. Don't follow lederhosen or watch parking meters.

AQUARIUS: This week, you will be unlucky in love but lucky in Battleship. Dreams of cottage cheese could represent new personal fortunes, or a tendency to vote Republican.

PISCES: What you thought were close personal ties will turn out to be polyester and shrink in the wash. Waddle as much as possible.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 8 - 14 February 2010

2010-02-07T12:00:00.000-08:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

8 - 14 FEBRUARY 2010

__________

ARIES: Charity begins at home, and operators are standing by. This is not a good week to play Skee-ball naked.

TAURUS: This is a good week to seek out romance at the nearest Walmart. Keep your nose well away from the grindstone this week. All body parts, in fact.

GEMINI: Move to France this week. If you are already in France, move to Luxembourg. Use your body language to present your Ph. D. dissertation.

CANCER: Your biological clock is ticking, or perhaps that's a heart palpitation. Don't put off till tomorrow what you can put off till some time next month.

LEO: 'Hit on 16, stay on 17' is good advice for blackjack, but bad advice for the dating scene. Don't count your Starskys before they Hutch.

VIRGO: This is a good week to spend time avoiding relatives. Never, ever eat Weetabix again, so long as you live.

LIBRA: You will meet people with many different opinions. Be prepared to treat all of them with the same level of disdain. Practise saying “Lake Titicaca” without giggling.

SCORPIO: Hold someone you love hostage. The road to redemption is long and arduous, so redeem valuable coupons instead.

SAGITTARIUS: Invent a new lie for your Facebook status this week. Beatbox your way into your lover's heart.

CAPRICORN: Rely on your charm this week instead of your talent, knowledge or skills. People will appreciate it. Now is a good time to appear nude in an adult magazine.

AQUARIUS: Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain telling me just what a fool I've been. Or, alternately, get a proper job and be a productive member of society. Now is a good time to start waiting for Godot.

PISCES: Invest some money in real estate; divest your interests in imaginary estate. Donate unused luncheon meat to a worthy cause.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 1 - 7 February 2010

2010-01-31T12:00:00.000-08:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

1 - 7 FEBRUARY 2010

__________

ARIES: Don't mistake an inferiority complex for the mere fact of being inferior: call it inferiority simplex. Reveal your inner beauty to the world this week, but be on the lookout for police.

TAURUS: The powers that be will declare a holiday in your honour. Paint your walls with pictures of Charlie Chaplin that seem three-dimensional. Call it 'The Little Trompe L'Oeil'.

GEMINI: This week, your blood sugar level will go up, but your blood aspartame level will go down. You will soon realise that you should have listened to your mother more often.

CANCER: Chartreuse is your colour this week. Don't build mountains out of molehills, unless you have gargantuan moles to house.

LEO: This week, you will star in a movie with Orlando Bloom. Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and a bottle of Alka-Seltzer closest.

VIRGO: At the moment, all signs lead either to a disastrous calamity in your personal life or to the nearest highway. Check your GPS. Keep old contacts and traditions by sacrificing an animal to a long-forgotten deity.

LIBRA: You find yourself increasingly annoyed by the vapidity of modern music and long for the golden days, when a song could have an entire chorus built around the word 'lollipop' and the noise made when you pull your finger out of your mouth. Store acorns in a tree trunk.

SCORPIO: This week, you will enter a Mobius loop and repeat this week endlessly, like the movie “Groundhog Day”. Don't take the opportunity to test the effectiveness of the sneeze guard at the local salad bar.

SAGITTARIUS: Look before you reap what you sow. Combine your love of fishing and your love of geometry to become an isosceles angler.

CAPRICORN: This week, you will be arrested for attempting to corrupt a miner forty-niner and his daughter, Clementine. If you are thinking of selling your soul, consider the local flea market. Or hold a raffle.

AQUARIUS: This week, you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack. In polite company, you will be embarrassed to find that you have accidentally let slip a four letter word. The word will be 'plum'.

PISCES: This week, fight for your right to party. Your road is long with many a winding turn, as is your life line. Unfortunately, so is your spine. See a doctor.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 25 - 31 January 2010

2010-01-24T12:00:00.000-08:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

25 - 31 JANUARY 2010

__________

ARIES: You've got to get out there and live a liitle. Or, if possible, live the better part of a century. Petition to make Skee-Ball an Olympic sport.

TAURUS: You can never cook too much chili. This week, you will find Nemo, but you will lose Private Ryan.

GEMINI: You will recieve a message from a long-lost friend in semaphore. Hold the Belgians responsible for your misfortunes.

CANCER: Invite your neighbours over to play Othello. Or, if they prefer, to play “The Taming of the Shrew”. Beneath your thick-skinned exterior beats the heart of a kind, loving person. Beneath your floorboards as well.

LEO: You've got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, and know whether to fold them into the shape of a swan or a jumping frog. In choosing which muffin to purchase, remember that society values brains over bran.

VIRGO: History repeats itself: first as comedy, then as a direct-to-DVD action/thriller starring Jet Li. Play castanets. Non-stop.

LIBRA: This week, you will recieve an unexpected phone call from a mysterious stranger who will later turn out to be Sean 'Diddy' Combs. Now is a good time to cover your body with greasepaint and go to live in the jungle.

SCORPIO: Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of the party, especially Tom Cruise. Wear leotards and a cape.

SAGITTARIUS: The Lord regrets to inform you that, due to budgeting constraints, He will be unable to buy you a Mercedez Benz and recommends one of those new Tata Nanos in its place. An entire microscopic civilisation is living in your linen closet.

CAPRICORN: This week, you will read a horoscope telling you what you will do this week. Don't talk with your mouth full. If using sign language, don't talk with your hands full.

AQUARIUS: Your love line is longer than your entire hand, which makes buying gloves difficult. Consider writing your name entirely in lower case.

PISCES: While choosing a Garden of Eden costume to wear, you will be embarrassed to discover that what you require is not a fig leaf but a Fig Newton. Use seahorses to play water polo.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 18 - 24 January 2010

2010-01-17T12:00:00.000-08:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

18 - 24 JANUARY 2010

__________

ARIES: This week, you will invest in an upstart dot-com, as opposed to a dot-org or a dot-edu. Remember to twist again, like you did last summer.

TAURUS: Love is in the air, as is the H1N1 virus. Breate carefully. Look both ways before you cross your eyes.

GEMINI: Appreciating the 'Harry Potter' series is all well and good, but you should stop drawing a lightning bold on your forehead with magic marker. Put your fist through a wall or two this week.

CANCER: This week you will dive in the highest mountains and climb the deepest seas. Or something like that. Be proud of your ceiling fans.

LEO: Should you choose to travel through the desert on a horse, try giving it a name first. Better yet, take a camel. The Buddha has nothing on you, baby.

VIRGO: Don't be afraid to swim against the current this week. Unless you can't swim. Don't patch your elbows this week. For the love of God.

LIBRA: Gain valuable nutrition advice from a taxi driver this week. Invest in conical bras like the ones Madonna used to wear.

SCORPIO: Listen to your heart this week. This might require a stethoscope. You might be fond of Sex in the City, but it's worth trying it in the countryside too.

SAGITTARIUS: Break a bone or two this week. Just for fun. Remember that you have to crawl before you can walk. Especially if you've had too much to drink.

CAPRICORN: Pursue your dreams this week and buy a hatchback. Or, failing that, a hunchback. Eat buttered scones for tea.

AQUARIUS: Get reacquainted with a past love this week. Bring drill bits. Find your happiness in a remove village in Guatemala.

PISCES: Collect sunflower seeds. You never know when you'll find a rare one. People have been talking about you behind your back, calling you 'discussion-worthy'.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 11 - 17 January 2010

2010-01-10T12:00:00.000-08:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

11 - 17 JANUARY 2010

__________

ARIES: This week, a Roman emperor will give you thumbs up. However, he will only be trying to hitch a ride. Hoard goat cheese.

TAURUS: Watching “The Wizard of Oz”, you will be scandalised to discover that, despite the kids' rhyme, the ladies do in fact wear bras. Try keeping your face in a jar by the door.

GEMINI: This is a good week to find your true love in the maternity wing of the hospital. Always look on the bright side of fluorescent bulbs.

CANCER: Avoid the letter 'w' this week. Donate your housepet to a worthy cause.

LEO: You are a naturally cantakerous person, proud to have a vocabulary rich enough to know what words like 'cantankerous' mean. Wear padded shoulders.

VIRGO: This week, you will run with scissors. Model underwear in the comfort of your own living room.

LIBRA: Increasingly, you have been getting drunk on power. This week, try getting drunk on Tanqueray instead. Choose your friends like you'd choose your dish detergent.

SCORPIO: This week you will build an 828m tower, bringing your small country to the brink of bankruptcy in the process. Learn Chinese, or at least learn Chinese checkers.

SAGITTARIUS: Don't bite off more than you can chew, unless you have a friend willing to help you with the chewing. Spike the fountain of youth with vodka.

CAPRICORN: Remember to eat your vegetables. This week, a whirlwind romance will end in a whirlpool.

AQUARIUS: This week, you will buy new shoes. Try not to make your old shoes jealous. For God's sake, think of the Ukrainians.

PISCES: Sing a song of sixpence, plus VAT. Remember that life is like a cell phone: impossible to buy a replacement battery for, and obsolete before you've even figured out how to use it properly.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 4 - 10 January 2010

2010-01-03T12:00:00.000-08:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

4 - 10 JANUARY 2010

__________

ARIES: This week, you will be visited by a small, red creature with bad grammar and a tendency to go apoplectic with laughter. Animate finger puppets.

TAURUS: You've been putting the Vicks Vapo-Rub in the wrong place all these long years. Learn to play the ocarina this week.

GEMINI: A bird in the hand is worth two nasty cases of Asian bird flu. You will be reminded of the smell of oven cleaner from your childhood this week.

CANCER: You can't use your 'Wii Fit age' to avoid getting carded while buying beer. This week, you will consider joining the army. Do.

LEO: Mashed potatoes can be your friend. Shave a tonsure into the back of your head.

VIRGO: The love child you concieved on that New Years Eve all those years ago will return this week, demanding child support. Now is the time to invest in meat by-products.

LIBRA: This week, you will be subpoenaed by the RIAA for illegally downloading Jonas Brothers songs. Remember that the love you shave might be your own.

SCORPIO: This week is a good time to join a radical America-hating doomsday cult. You'll never find the answers you seek by aiming a telescope at your neighbour's bedroom window.

SAGITTARIUS: Take the bus and make an old lady's day by stealing her seat. Tell her you thought she was too young to give up your seat to. Then hit on her. This is a good week to invent a dance craze.

CAPRICORN: You will fall under the spiritual influence of Steven Seagal. Wear white gloves with only four fingers.

AQUARIUS: Wear spandex this week. Now is a good time to communicate with dolphins.

PISCES: This week, befriend a turtle. Remember to let he who is without sin and he who has a decent pitching arm cast the first stone.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your Week 28 December 2009 - 3 January 2010

2009-12-27T12:00:00.000-08:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

28 DECEMBER 2009 - 3 JANUARY 2010

__________

ARIES: This is a good week for hoarding rusted car parts. Life is nothing at all like a bowl of cherries. For starters, life is not ceramic. 2010 will eerily resemble 1998. Only with more vampires.

TAURUS: Imagine life like a game of Operation: not for the weak of heart or shaky of hand, and ultimately just a bunch of tiny pieces of white plastic and lame puns. Not everything tastes better with cranberries. Stop being such a wimp in 2010.

GEMINI: Put some Cap'n Crunch in your hair this week. Ignore any black men you might hear repeatedly screaming the name “Walt”. For you and your cousins, 2010 is the year of the pomegranate.

CANCER: Fireflies will communicate with you in Morse code. Don't drink anything yellow or crimson in colour this week. You will come to remember the upcoming year as “2010: the revenge of the goats.”

LEO: The ghost of Angela Lansbury will haunt you, solving crimes while you're trying to get some sleep. You'll need to have those trousers dry-cleaned by next Friday – trust me. Some guy named Brian will die a horrible flaming death in 2010.

VIRGO: This week, the Swiss authorities will turn you over to the Americans for an outstanding warrant for having relations with a minor decades ago. Don't buy the Sea Monkeys. Use the money to buy the X-ray specs instead. This year will rock your world.

LIBRA: Don't paint your body blue, whatever you do. Clone yourself this week. You'll be happy you did. 2010 will bring you many leotards.

SCORPIO: You feel as if your life is moving forward as if by design, whereas it's actually moving in a leftward direction. Remember: 'waterboarding' is not the fun beach activity its name implies. You will gain four pounds and a pet Pomeranian in the year 2010.

SAGITTARIUS: Wash your windows in three-part harmony. Your parents didn't really sell your pet dog to a farmer, though they did in fact sell your grandmother to one. You will be crowned leader of a small, forgotten country in 2010, but you will be deposed violently in 2011.

CAPRICORN: If you plane crashes in the Andes, eat your enemies first and your friends last. Stop putting so much salt in your socks. 2010 will bring you plenty of fun diseases.

AQUARIUS: This week, you'll be stumped on a six-letter word in the newspaper's crossword puzzle. The correct answer will be “bovine”. Please only use cinnamon where appropriate. In 2010, people will start calling you “Switchblade”.

PISCES: Celebrate your birthday this week. Confuse people. Yogourt might be good for your skin, but it's bad for your soul. You'll find your soul mate fossilised in a piece of granite in 2010.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 21 - 27 December 2009

2009-12-20T12:00:00.000-08:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

21 - 27 DECEMBER 2009

__________

ARIES: This week, you will hold your breath until you turn blue. Try playing matchmaker to two friends this week who smoke but don't have any lighters.

TAURUS: Hope, in addition to a goose, is the thing with feathers. Be careful how much riboflavin you consume.

GEMINI: Everyone can see that it's a toupee. Do not presume that friends shaking hands saying, “How do you do?” are really saying, “I love you.”

CANCER: Vacuuming your carpet will lead to new and unexpected ponderings on the nature of life. Consider donating your tonsils to the needy.

LEO: Tonight, you will recieve a visit from last night's tuna casserole. A kind stranger will cheat while playing Parcheesi. Call the police immediately.

VIRGO: Although love is a drug, it won't cure your hemorrhoids. Join in conversations with strangers on the bus today, randomly saying, “I'm sorry but I completely disagree.”

LIBRA: This is not a good week to consider purchasing the mortal remains of the Elephant Man. Become vegetarian in your dating habits.

SCORPIO: This week, you will recieve a mysterious package from a stranger. It will contain anthrax. If you receive a vision of Tom Cruise wearing stiletto heels, call your chiropractor.

SAGITTARIUS: This week, try to avoid confrontations with deposed military dictators. Seek your own personal truth in LOLcats.

CAPRICORN: Don't go chasing waterfalls. Please stick to chasing things that actually move: it's more exciting. May your life be as shiny as a mirror ball.

AQUARIUS: Those people aren't laughing with you; they're laughing at you. This week, be prepared to wax your eyebrows.

PISCES: Though you've often thought about giving it all away and moving to Tibet, it turns out that airplane tickets are really an arm and a leg. Compose an epic love poem this week.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 14 - 20 December 2009

2009-12-13T12:00:00.000-08:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

14 - 20 DECEMBER 2009

__________

ARIES: Keep on hoping that Debbie Gibson and Tiffany will launch a successful comeback. Hope is the only thing some of us have. Now is the time to buy broccoli; there's a great deal down at the supermarket.

TAURUS: Maybe vodka just isn't your drink. Just because Timex says they 'take a licking and keep on ticking' doesn't mean you have to moisten your wristwatch with your tongue.

GEMINI: This week, you will look absolutely fabulous in a nice little lamé number from Milan. The cross that you bear makes bears very cross.

CANCER: A stranger will speak to you only in haiku. Answer in iambic pentameter. Think about the impression your comedy stylings are leaving on young minds.

LEO: Your obsession with My Little Pony will go public, leading to your humiliation. If a homeless man asks you for change this week, quote Jean-Paul Sartre to him.

VIRGO: Looking at a world map, you will be shocked to discover that 'Hootenanny' is not actually a country in Asia. May your life be as crunchy as your peanut butter.

LIBRA: In keeping with a centuries old tradition, this week your neighbours will break into your house and burn all of your wooden furniture. Please respect their ancient ways. Your little lamb has fleece which is only as white as, say, goat's milk.

SCORPIO: Stand up this week and loudly exclaim, “Your honour, I object” at every given opportunity. Mr. Clean will clean your house, but who will clean your soul?

SAGITTARIUS: This week, you will be arrested for spying on your nation during the Cold War in the 1950s. Try to forget about all those sheep.

CAPRICORN: Don't let your pelvis dominate conversation. The ghost of the man you shot and left for dead all those years ago will return to haunt you this week.

AQUARIUS: Put all of your trust this week in things that look like walnuts. Red Bull gives your pantyliners wings.

PISCES: It's time to get rid of that chimp on your shoulder. Just because Michael Jackson used to grab his crotch on the stage doesn't mean you should too.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 7 - 13 December 2009

2009-12-06T12:00:00.000-08:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

7 - 13 DECEMBER 2009

__________

ARIES: This week, the world is your oyster. Meaning you're likely to contract septicemia from it. Consider donating your sister to charity.

TAURUS: This week, your parents will write embarrassing things on your Facebook wall. Stop talking about using your elbow grease and just wash your arms already.

GEMINI: This week, you'll be April fresh and clean as a whistle. Plus you'll be soft as a baby's bottom. Do a little dance, make a little love and get down tonight.

CANCER: Get your hair permed; your square roots are showing. Don't be taken in by all those discussions of the dangers of fast food: your weight gain is the will of God.

LEO: This week, avoid the letter 'k'. If you're looking for a change of pace, make a homemade “Plinko” board like on “The Price is Right”.

VIRGO: This week, you will experience nightmares involving Sarah Palin. Remember that dreams are only in your head. If you ever feel the urge to glue your hands to your feet, just think of your Uncle Leroy.

LIBRA: You will never be welcome at that bistro again. Stop comparing yourself to Herb Tarlek from WKRP in Cincinnati: nobody is convinced.

SCORPIO: There isn't enough corn in the world to keep a person like you happy. When times are rough, you can always take a small child hostage.

SAGITTARIUS: That thing that's following you? It's not your shadow. This week, you will decide to abandon the childhood nicknames you had for your various body parts.

CAPRICORN: This week, you will learn of the existence of the number '14'. That window of opportunity you've been searching for will be shattered by some punk kid with a baseball bat.

AQUARIUS: You've been dancing the 'robot' far too long. Try to integrate more steps into your dance moves. Don't drive trucks after 7:00 or speak to opossums.

PISCES: Not everyone who calls themselves “Dracula” really is. This week, you will discover entirely new ways to stop the itching.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 30 November - 6 December 2009

2009-11-29T12:00:00.000-08:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

30 NOVEMBER - 6 DECEMBER 2009

__________

ARIES: A fool and his monkey are soon parted.

TAURUS: This week, a cockroach in your apartment will wake up and discover it has turned into a tiny human. It will, however, get stuck in, and die in, a roach trap.

GEMINI: This week, you will be unable to believe it's not butter.

CANCER: Beware of the handshake that hides a snake. Especially a poisonous snake.

LEO: This week, you will be subjected to a house remix. You will suddenly find that you're a hit in Croatia.

VIRGO: You will discover that you are red-blue colourblind this week: this will leave you unable to discuss American politics.

LIBRA: You'll have to keep taking that ointment for the next two weeks.

SCORPIO: You will wake up one morning this week with a complete stranger in your bed. However, the complete stranger will be in the process of giving you an entirely unsexy blood transfusion.

SAGITTARIUS: This week, you will discover that you have a sixth finger on your left hand. This will explain years of difficulty with simple arithmetic.

CAPRICORN: Time to stop sleeping with a crowbar in your pyjamas.

AQUARIUS: You'll never find true love by Googling “true love”.

PISCES: 2.Your evil twin will wake from a 5-year coma this week, return to town and romance your partner.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 23 - 29 November 2009

2009-11-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

23 - 29 NOVEMBER 2009

__________

ARIES: This week, you will discover you have the ability to talk to animals; it's merely that they are unable to understand what you are saying.

TAURUS: Haven't you ever wondered why there's never a good plumber when you need one?

GEMINI: This week, your secret identity will be revealed – but only during a late-night infomercial featuring the Shamwow / Slap-Chop guy.

CANCER: You will get a visit from an old friend this week who will enquire why you don't have any young friends.

LEO: The best things in life have Velcro on them.

VIRGO: This week you will discover to your shock and dismay that people don't, in fact, wish their girlfriends were hot like you.

LIBRA: You and your microwave oven will have a falling-out.

SCORPIO: You will finally find that sock you lost four years ago. This will leave you weeping tears of joy.

SAGITTARIUS: This week, you will discover a previously-unknown planet circling a neighbouring star. You will be nominated for a Nobel Prize but will lose to Paris Hilton.

CAPRICORN: You will be bitten by a radioactive spider and develop a superpower, but the power will only allow you to be more successful at “Magic: the Gathering”.

AQUARIUS: This week, you will father a set of children with a woman with strange hair named Kate. This prediction holds regardless of your gender.

PISCES: If wishes were horses, they'd leave wish droppings all over the place.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 16 - 22 November 2009

2009-11-15T12:00:00.000-08:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

16 - 22 NOVEMBER 2009

__________

ARIES: There's no time like the present to perform long division.

TAURUS: Stop scattering your seed into the wind: the neighbours are starting to talk.

GEMINI: This week, you will learn that your teenage crush has gotten married. Your teenage crush is, of course, the star of TV's 'Punky Brewster'.

CANCER: “Lather, rinse, repeat” will become your new mantra.

LEO: Please stop trying to get people to refer to you and your partner by a name devised of the combination of the first syllables of both of your names; it'll never happen.

VIRGO: When a bald guy offers you a choice of numbered suitcases to open, don't choose 17.

LIBRA: That nice old lady with the blue hair is slowly poisoning you with hatred. And with arsenic.

SCORPIO: As the breadwinner of the family, you will this week discover that many other jobs actually give money as payment.

SAGITTARIUS: You will discover that being able to belch the whole alphabet carries less weight than it used to.

CAPRICORN: Ignore people who tell you to keep your hands to yourself; they're just jealous.

AQUARIUS: After years of deliberation, you will settle in the Pacific nation of Palau.

PISCES: Your enemies will attempt to crush you into a fine powder this week. They will only manage to crush you into pebble-sized pieces.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 9 - 15 November 2009

2009-11-08T12:00:00.000-08:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

9 - 15 NOVEMBER 2009

__________

ARIES: During a transatlantic discussion, variant usage of the word 'fanny' will cause you confusion this week. And some bruising as well.

TAURUS: Important truths about your life will be revealed to you in the form of a “Captcha” on an online form.

GEMINI: You will question your sexuality this week. Your sexuality will demand a lawyer.

CANCER: At 10:00 next Wednesday, the world will end, unless you personally do something to stop it. Figure out what.

LEO: Your taste in music will be ridiculed this week.

VIRGO: You will believe that you have been saved by Jesus; but in truth you will have been saved by Philip Haines of Schenectady, New York.

LIBRA: In a spelling contest, a child will spell 'potato' correctly, but you will advise her to spell it incorrectly. You will be ridiculed.

SCORPIO: Um, those weren't chocolate-covered almonds...

SAGITTARIUS: This week, you will hyphenate your surname.

CAPRICORN: When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high, and don't be afraid of the pneumonia that will inevitably result.

AQUARIUS: It bothers you when people fail to comment on your eyebrows.

PISCES: You will have plastic surgery in the next twelve months, but as a result everyone will think you are Lionel Richie.

__________

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 2 - 8 November 2009

2009-11-01T12:00:00.000-08:00

HOROSCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

2 - 8 NOVEMBER 2009

__________

ARIES: You will contract a deadly illness next week but will be miraculously cured of it 15 minutes later. You will be none the wiser.

TAURUS: You'll never overcome your reputation as a one-hit wonder.

GEMINI: It might help you to slip the police officer a $50, but don't tuck it into the waistband of his pants.

CANCER: A video of you will surface on TMZ.com and will become an internet meme.

LEO: Calling yourself 'the chiropractor of love' will get you nowhere on the dating scene.

VIRGO: This week, you will find yourself at work faced with the snap decision of where to vomit: do not choose the flowerpot in your boss's office.

LIBRA: Nobody wants to hear about your underwear.

SCORPIO: You will buy a small rodent this week and will name it “Cynthia”.

SAGITTARIUS: It might be funny to call out, “that's not a knife; this is a knife”, but airport security is not the place for it.

CAPRICORN: Ask not what you can do for your country but what you can do for your Uncle Carlos.

AQUARIUS: This week you will meet a dancing boy in a Chinese suit. Speak to him; steal his flute.

PISCES: Jesus will come to you like a thief in the night. And, ironically, a house burglar will come to you like a Messiah.

__________

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