Sunday, July 25, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 26 July - 1 August 2010

26 JULY - 1 AUGUST 2010


ARIES: He who lives by the river dies by the river. All that office talk around the water cooler would be much more exciting if it were held around a Slurpee machine.

TAURUS: Don't be afraid to ask for advice, or to ask for a cup of sugar. All of this pent-up rage and frustration is going to need an outlet, and Skee-ball might not suffice.

GEMINI: It might be time to put down some roots, or to put some root vegetables in your salad. This week you'll finally remember what happened that night you woke up in a farmer's field in Spokane with a girl named Daisy.

CANCER: If you ever plan to motor west, forget about it. Just fly to Cancun instead. Not everything needs ketchup.

LEO: If you're shopping for a car this week, check the hubcaps. And check if it's got that glowy light under the chassis. That's just rad. There are good corn flakes and evil corn flakes.

VIRGO: The rumours about you are true. Don't tell anyone. No octopus can predict which battles you'll win and lose this week.

LIBRA: You've got that certain something, baby, that make people want to call the cops. When a problem comes along, you may resort to other measures besides whipping it.

SCORPIO: Take up a new hobby this week, like spying on the hottie across the street with a telescope. Nobody else has shoes that nice.

SAGITTARIUS: Over the next twelve months, you might see big changes in your life, but it probably just means your vision is getting worse. Waterfowl look up to you.

CAPRICORN: The moon will be entering your second house this week, unless you've changed the locks. By this time next year, you'll be in clover. Hope you're not allergic.

AQUARIUS: Children should be seen and not smelt. They might start looking for weapons of mass destruction in your backyard. Stay calm.

PISCES: You might have to spend a little money this week. Life-sized posters of the Jonas Brothers are highly recommended. Celebrate your sobriety with a fine champagne or eight.


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Sunday, July 18, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 19 - 25 July 2010

19-25 JULY 2010


ARIES: Did I ever tell you you're my hero? I was probably drunk. Don't let a sex scandal interfere with your love life.

TAURUS: Arguments this week will end in tears, not to mention blood and sweat. If you feel that you've been spending too much time with the ghosts of your past, try to meet some of the ghosts of your neighbour's past instead.

GEMINI: People are going to size you up this week. Use a Thighmaster. The leaves in the trees are whispering to you and only you.

CANCER: Extra money is burning a hole in your pocket, which is going to hurt your legs considerably. Put on the charm for a new acquaintance this week, or if you can, put on a charm bracelet.

LEO: That holiday you've been dreaming of? It's going to rain. You'll never get a gold medal if you don't get cracking at that alchemy project.

VIRGO: He who pays the piper calls the tune, but he who pays the ferryman invokes Chris DeBurgh's wrath. You might find true love behind the liquor store.

LIBRA: A chance meeting with a stranger will set sparks flying. If you're not careful, a small brush fire may erupt. Unleash your inner werewolf this week.

SCORPIO: If you can't keep your life together, at least keep your shoelaces tied. Make sure that pressing obligation is not pressing on your lumbar region.

SAGITTARIUS: Your sex life will come crashing through the floor. It'll be tough to explain to the landlord. Ask yourself what Jesus would do. Or failing that, what Rumplestiltskin would do.

CAPRICORN: Thundercats are go, and you can be too. The stars are telling you to change your name. Consider “Tia”.

AQUARIUS: Stop blogging about your underarm deodorant. You might need to take a leap of faith this week, but please look before you leap.

PISCES: Shake up your social life a little bit. Spend some time with some wallabies. Just because you're a fish doesn't mean you have to be a wet fish.


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Sunday, July 11, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 12 - 18 July 2010

12-18 JULY 2010


ARIES: People who used to see you as Gargamel are starting to see you as Azrael instead. Someone close to you will show you the whey, even if they'll hide the curds from you.

TAURUS: The moon's been laughing at you. Can you blame it? Don't let anyone tell you that you're not worthy of a good manicure and facial.

GEMINI: While it takes two to tango, it takes a village to raise tangoing babies, like that one in the gif. Love is blind, which explains its fashoin sense.

CANCER: You could be a rainbow, if you didn't hate indigo so much. With any luck, you'll soon be making money hand over fist. You might also make some money with other hand gestures as well.

LEO: You're about to eat the Ramen noodles of love. People will continue to think your favourite colour is yellow when it is, in fact, navy blue.

VIRGO: Though your dreams of Broadway will never come to pass, you might get a chance on Narrow Way. This week, you'll find yourself swimming in huge oceans of gravy.

LIBRA: Geminis and Leos will laugh at you this week, but secretly they're just jealous of your awesome facial hair. The ties that bind are rarely bungee cords.

SCORPIO: What you can't observe with your heart, you may be able to suss out with your spleen. Happiness is just a grape juice stain away.

SAGITTARIUS: This week you'll be laughing all the way to the bank, which will annoy the other bus passengers. Believe in the power of acorns, and all will turn out okay.

CAPRICORN: Don't count your chickens in a Ford hatchback. You will discover that, while every rose does indeed have its thorn, there are a good many cowboys who do not, in fact, sing a sad, sad song.

AQUARIUS: You can't do the hokey-pokey if you're unwilling to shake your left foot all about. Salivating at the sound of a ringing bell might be cool for dogs, but it does nothing for your personal dating prospects.

PISCES: Don't be afraid of becoming the person you were always supposed to be, or of spiders either. Nothing lasts forever. Not even the grout on your bathroom tiles.


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Sunday, July 4, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 5 - 11 July 2010

5-11 JULY 2010


ARIES: While happiness is a warm gun, sadness is a warm beer. This week you will find yourself touching a complete stranger's heart. Or naughty bits.

TAURUS: Love is like a thick gelatinous stew: those things might possibly be okra. Loneliness will strike you this week, perhaps leaving a bruise.

GEMINI: This week, you may find your values severely tested. Sell them out at the drop of a hat. Don't attempt to do Mickey's monkey without express permission from Mickey.

CANCER: Your heart will whisper its deepest secrets to you this week. It's probably just talking nonsense. Humour it. You might have to suffer fools this week, but it's better than suffering succotash.

LEO: Your name will always be Gilgamesh to someone you love. If you look at life like a constant chain of struggles and hopes, your frineds will sneer at you behind your back.

VIRGO: Filibustering and gerrymandering are not just for politicians anymore. They're for aficionados of silly words from all walks of life. Hold the door open for someone this week. And next week, slam it in someone else's face.

LIBRA: Now is the time to clean out your closet, setting free any skeletons or gay people that might be in there. Go west, or more precisely go West North West.

SCORPIO: Don't aspire to be Wally if everyone sees you as the Beaver, no matter what you do. You know those wall calendars with pictures of unicorns in them? Aren't those cool?

SAGITTARIUS: Find your happiness this week. It might be stuck under the seat cushions. Metaphorically, your heart is like a Slap Chop and your genitals are like Cherry Garcia ice cream.

CAPRICORN: A weight will be lifted from your shoulders this week. Additionally, you will be beheaded. Explore new pasta shapes.

AQUARIUS: Your heart is like those pictures of nebulae and constellations you can find on NASA's website. Wednesday is a good day to eat brie.

PISCES: When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high and wear a raincoat, for God's sake. Work life might hold some exciting new prospects. But for some other person, not you.


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