Sunday, February 28, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 1 - 7 March 2010

1 - 7 MARCH 2010


ARIES: Now is the time to apply the valuable life lessons you learnt while watching “Jake and the Fatman” all those years ago. Remember that all that glitters, or stars in the movie “Glitter”, is not gold.

TAURUS: Remember not to look a gift horse in the mouth, as gift horses are prone to nasty cases of halitosis. It's time to sell your Betamax videos of Cheech & Chong.

GEMINI: Try not to worry too much about the little things in life, like the life-threatening disease you're about to contract. Concentrate instead on simple pleasures like sunsets and polka music. This is a good week to post pictures of yourself on 4chan. You will become famous.

CANCER: You've been waltzing though life, when you should be fox-trotting instead. If you can fold a sheet of paper into the shape of a swan, you can rule the world.

LEO: The colour of your eyes will determine the severity of tomorrow's rush-hour traffic. Get down on your knees, but remember to wear knee guards.

VIRGO: Ride a train bound for glory this week, and this week alone. Earn valuable money this week by putting teeth under your pillow.

LIBRA: While it's tempting to believe that you would do anything for love, convince yourself that you won't do that. Spandex is a gift from God. Cherish it.

SCORPIO: Your dreams of becoming president of a small island republic are becoming less and less realistic each day, unless you get a move-on. That smell wafting from your neighbours' doors isn't really goulash.

SAGITTARIUS: Follow the stars this week, except Zac Efron. Lead that poor, helpless lad. Your entire life to date will be judged by Simon Cowell and found lacking.

CAPRICORN: This week, you will be haunted by a crippling inability to decide whether to pronounce 'caramel' with two syllables or one. Your life is not all a bit TV show like 'The Truman Show'. Think about it – who would watch you?

AQUARIUS: Try to be a little bit more like Burt Reynolds this week. Trade in your costly addiction to crack cocaine for a cheaper, though more fat-filled, addiction to Cracker Jacks.

PISCES: See your life as a swing set or teeter-totter, not as a slide. Unless it's one of those tube-shaped slides; those are pretty cool. This is the week to start embalming things in Mason jars.


Sunday, February 21, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 22 - 28 February 2010

22 - 28 FEBRUARY 2010


ARIES: You will find a recipe for disaster while looking for a recipe for angel's food cake. Talk with a lisp this week.

TAURUS: Don't be fooled by a girl offering to hold a football for you to practise kicking, especially if that same girl otherwise offers psychiatric advice. Forego pants whenever possible.

GEMINI: Dreams of dancing microwave ovens might mean a visit from an old school bus driver. Discover a fun new food allergy.

CANCER: This week, Firefox will prevent your enemies from opening a pop-up window. Thank it. Get a tattoo of Ross Perot on your elbow.

LEO: Sacrifice a Virgo this week to the volcano gods. Catch wily rabbits by singing Wagner.

VIRGO: There's never been a Sesame Street character who knows your inner soul like Snuffleupagus. Live in the 1950s this week. Wear pearls at the dinner table.

LIBRA: This is a good week for love, in particular for love of dairy products. Use your sense of right and wrong this week to manipulate someone into evildoing on your behalf.

SCORPIO: The hospital is no place to show hospitality: try your living room instead. Start naming your friends after vegetables.

SAGITTARIUS: Click your heels together as much as you like but you'll never get to Kansas unless you drive there. Consider the relative dangers of the Blackberry and the acai berry.

CAPRICORN: Swearing like a sailor will make you seem sexier this week. You should socialise only with people who keep Chia pets.

AQUARIUS: Get more iron in your diet, ironing in your chores and irony in your sense of humour. Good fortune awaits you at the bottom of the Lucky Charms box.

PISCES: This week, you will discover a new way to wash your hands so early in the morning. If your dog begins speaking this week, follow its advice.


Sunday, February 14, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 15 - 21 February 2010

15 - 21 FEBRUARY 2010


ARIES: Baby bok choi holds all the answers. What at first seems like success will later turn out to be a crushing defeat that will make you a pariah for years to come.

TAURUS: Now is the time to realise your ambition to write a Broadway musical about the life of Mary Lou Retton. Go to the barber this week, but not for a bloodletting.

GEMINI: Seek your destiny in 80s new wave music. In most social circles, floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee is considered poor table manners.

CANCER: Love will keep you together, but in addition, love will tear you apart. It's complicated. Change your pet's name to Pablo.

LEO: Shoe polish is really, honestly only used to polish shoes. You will discover a new island in the Pacific Ocean and earn millions selling bird droppings and internet domain space to the world.

VIRGO: It's easier to admit defeat than it is to admit to sticking pencil lead up your nose when you were in grade two. Flee the flea market.

LIBRA: Now is the time to test whether or not eating apple seeds will really make an apple tree grow in your stomach. Spend some valuable time this week avoiding the police.

SCORPIO: It's time to start facing facts, instead of standing with your back to them. Avoid Libras like the plague this week.

SAGITTARIUS: If opportunity comes knocking, lock your door and pretend you're not home. Do unto others as you would have David Hasselhoff do unto you.

CAPRICORN: Invent a new language this week and use it to write epic love poems. Don't follow lederhosen or watch parking meters.

AQUARIUS: This week, you will be unlucky in love but lucky in Battleship. Dreams of cottage cheese could represent new personal fortunes, or a tendency to vote Republican.

PISCES: What you thought were close personal ties will turn out to be polyester and shrink in the wash. Waddle as much as possible.


Sunday, February 7, 2010

Horoscopes Monkey Trial: Your week 8 - 14 February 2010

8 - 14 FEBRUARY 2010


ARIES: Charity begins at home, and operators are standing by. This is not a good week to play Skee-ball naked.

TAURUS: This is a good week to seek out romance at the nearest Walmart. Keep your nose well away from the grindstone this week. All body parts, in fact.

GEMINI: Move to France this week. If you are already in France, move to Luxembourg. Use your body language to present your Ph. D. dissertation.

CANCER: Your biological clock is ticking, or perhaps that's a heart palpitation. Don't put off till tomorrow what you can put off till some time next month.

LEO: 'Hit on 16, stay on 17' is good advice for blackjack, but bad advice for the dating scene. Don't count your Starskys before they Hutch.

VIRGO: This is a good week to spend time avoiding relatives. Never, ever eat Weetabix again, so long as you live.

LIBRA: You will meet people with many different opinions. Be prepared to treat all of them with the same level of disdain. Practise saying “Lake Titicaca” without giggling.

SCORPIO: Hold someone you love hostage. The road to redemption is long and arduous, so redeem valuable coupons instead.

SAGITTARIUS: Invent a new lie for your Facebook status this week. Beatbox your way into your lover's heart.

CAPRICORN: Rely on your charm this week instead of your talent, knowledge or skills. People will appreciate it. Now is a good time to appear nude in an adult magazine.

AQUARIUS: Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain telling me just what a fool I've been. Or, alternately, get a proper job and be a productive member of society. Now is a good time to start waiting for Godot.

PISCES: Invest some money in real estate; divest your interests in imaginary estate. Donate unused luncheon meat to a worthy cause.